tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-256466562024-03-23T12:06:33.995-06:00late moontreeCrystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.comBlogger200125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-4047769542699450932015-01-17T12:16:00.000-07:002015-01-17T12:18:18.641-07:00four years, full circlelife is such a sweet, serendipitous thing sometimes.<br />
<br />
five years ago, you pressed your lips to mine and thus began a whirlwind of the deepest, most authentic love i could ever have imagined.<br />
four years ago, you said goodbye and both our hearts shattered into a million pieces. never before have i felt such a heartache, like my heart might just rot right out of my chest.<br />
three months ago, you claimed yourself as your own, with words and with space, and jumped into the deep end of the life you had been dreaming about in your mind's eye forever. <br />
and then... four days ago, your lips found mine again. i never thought i would get the opportunity to feel your breath on my skin again, to see you look at me with the softness that comes when your pupils dilate the way they do. <br />
it was always just what it was, what it needed to be. i hope it continues, in whatever way that means.<br />
i never stopped loving you with my whole heart. Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-80224879975200607842014-09-27T14:11:00.002-06:002014-09-27T14:25:10.376-06:00it would be so easy to fall right back into things with you. two days of contact and it feels like the beginning. i could fall in love with you again in a heartbeat... i don't think i ever fell "out".Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-17683243223743056742014-08-18T05:42:00.001-06:002014-09-27T14:15:27.354-06:00You’ll fall in love so many times that you’ll lose count and it’ll shake you.<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">
so, I've been lying awake since 2:30am... A combination of anxiety from being premenstrual, and anxiety from the upcoming week. It's going to be a busy week at work (a new coordinator, plus the intake of 20 new clients); but more than that... she is going to be contacting me today or tomorrow. And I can't shake the fear of having to face her and yet again tell her that it is over, and I am done. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Anyways. I was laying here sort of meditating on what I would say, justifying (to myself) in my head all the reasons why I feel the way I do, creating poetry in my mind with the heartbreak and freedom that this provides me. And then I came across this poem and it was exactly, perfectly what I needed to read. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">"Leave if your love hurts you.</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Leave if it is always more pain than it is joy.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Contrary to what they’ll tell you,</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Love does not make the world spin around.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">You can want someone, baby.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">You can want them until you’re raw.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">That kind of longing can turn you into water after a live wire has been thrown into it.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">It can turn you into the hand holding that wire,</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">But that doesn’t mean it’s right.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">It doesn’t mean you should stay.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Don’t hang round just because you’re scared that you’ll never feel that kind of electricity again.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">It’s not true, it never was.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">The thing is, you were made to be touched by hands,</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Attached to a body that finds itself at rest when it’s with you.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">That finds itself quietly trembling when you’re together.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Those hands need to come with gentle words and an honest mouth.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">A mouth that says your name in a way that sounds like the very definition of “falling.”</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">So don’t take less than that.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Don’t take half of that.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Above all, if it hurts, go.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">You’ll fall in love so many times that you’ll lose count and it’ll shake you.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Tiny vibrations like tectonic plates with every stranger who you looked into the eyes and made your body feel new.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Find a love that makes you feel new, and better.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Always like you’re moving and staying still at the exact same time.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Grow, expand, and if it hurts, leave.”</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">– Azra. T. “Lessons #2</span></div>
</div>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-84961274789078881082014-06-20T22:02:00.001-06:002014-06-20T22:04:19.951-06:00One yearThe storm tonight is epic. Amazing pink storm sky, then lightning and the skies opened up and poured down.<div>I'm on my deck, smoking and listening and being totally rocked to the core, but in all the right ways.<br><div>It's like the earth is remembering.</div></div>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-3066436702399058922014-05-25T14:34:00.001-06:002014-05-25T14:34:17.672-06:00all love is unrequited~It's been months since we've gotten to hang out. And then today, you show up unannounced just because you were driving by. <div>You ask me about my plans for the basement and while I flail my arms around explaining, I turn around and see you looking at me with such intensity and admiration and pure sweetness. And my heart swells a little bit. <br><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Even though I know that window of time has passed, my insides still lurch a little at the lingering smell of you on my shirt. </span></div></div>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-74521497380456705272014-03-31T06:05:00.001-06:002014-03-31T06:10:56.761-06:00<div>Loving someone with depression has never made me feel more inept or completely useless. And deciding to leave that person has never filled me with more guilt. There is so much out there that talks about never giving up on someone you love who is struggling with mental illness, on being there for them "no matter what". But what happens if you do that and they still remain stuck in their black hole, what happens if you yourself are being abused and mistreated and no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how much you try, they still treat you like shit? What happens when you finally decide "enough". I can't be treated this way anymore, I can't let my children be treated this way anymore. And you walk away. And then, only then, they see the light. After you say "you can't be an asshole and still be a part of my life", then they decide that that's enough to snap out of it, to choose to act differently, to do the work you've been fucking begging them to try to do with you for so long. </div><div>And they beg you for another chance. They do everything to try to show you how they've changed. And you're skeptical and scared and wonder if you've just done the exact thing that all those articles and TED talks and endless elephant journal entries implore you not to do to someone who is plagued with mental illness. Did I give up? Did I commit the ultimate selfish act and walk away from someone when what they needed most was someone to stick around? Would the change have happened if it were not for that line being drawn, without "enough is enough"? Where is that line of enablement, when does it change from love and support into just supporting someone to stay stuck in their dark cycle? Can "enough" also be someone's catalyst for change, can it be a gift as much as a tragic loss? </div><div><br></div><div>When we were in the throes of falling in love, I said to you "I'm willing to do the work". And you swore that you were too, but I knew you didn't really know what that meant. I had loved and had my heart broken a few times already, you had only thought you had, but you didn't really know what that meant yet. You couldn't. I knew early that I would be a lesson, that I was going to be the person to teach you some profound things and open your heart. I'm not trying to be pompous or narcissistic by saying that... I just had this feeling that it was going to be beautiful and that it was going to hurt. And I fucking did it anyways. I don't know why. I'm a sucker for love, and apparently also for pain. I'm a sucker for the romantic notion of commitment and love. </div><div>And so I stayed. And I loved you as hard as I could, even though things got messy and complicated and dark pretty fast. Even though I saw clearly how depressed you were becoming, even though you were mean to me and even worse to my children. Even though people questioned me, and I knew better than to shrug off the concerns of the ones who knew me and cared for me the most. I made excuses, I had an answer for every "why?". I ignored my own inner voice that said "why are you allowing it to be like this? Why are you accepting this?". By staying silent and avoiding the conflict, I permitted it, even though I knew I shouldn't. </div><div>I wanted so badly for you to the "the one". I wanted to be able to see you through the dark fucking spiral and come out the other side. </div><div>And then the waters rose and the foundation became saturated with more than just river and sludge. The flood washed away far more than just things. You reacted with anger, which was useless. I spat back to shut up, just get down to work. And you did, for that week. You sucked it up and chose for a brief moment to see the disaster with eyes of awe and gratitude and worked your ass off with the rest of our community to make things dry and whole again. I wondered, in that week, if maybe *this* was the catalyst. </div><div>It wasn't. You became impatient and fearful and weary and mean. The controlling bullshit came out even more strongly, you were angry about things we had no control over, like the construction of a house we were so lucky to be able to stay in in the first place while we waited for things to dry. And you left. I felt relief. And abandoned. Like so many times before. </div><div>Then you said you were done. And you disappeared. And when you came back you claimed you had seen the light. I was skeptical. Rightfully so. And it wasn't long before I was asking you to go again, to give me space so I could hear my own thoughts and listen to my heart. </div><div>You scared me that night. It was the first time I felt that scared that you might hurt me, and not in the ways you had a million times before. </div><div><br></div><div>It came to a head and I said I was done. And again, you vanished with hardly a trace. Without closure or considering its impact on the ones left behind. </div><div><br></div><div>It has been 7 months of roller coaster. Of me doubting my decision, flowing back to you in tiny, guarded waves, only to retract again. Recoil. People telling me to let it go, to keep moving forward. Everyone but you; you beg me to come back. In my heart of hearts I know it's over, that I am done and no amount of growth or personal enlightenment can reverse that.</div><div> </div><div>It's too late.</div><div><br></div><div>But still, I wonder, is this right? Am I running away instead of "doing the work"? Where is the line? When does it change from being committed to standing up for yourself and saying "not like this". Am I doing exactly what I judge others of doing when things get "too hard"? </div><div>And I wonder if I am giving up on the only person who might want me, and this family, in all its messy, chaotic glory. I'm not that young anymore, and it's not like the baggage I come with is exactly desirable to most. 3 plus a coparent and all of the complication that it comes with is so many. Gayness on top of it all feels like too much frosting on an already sickeningly sweet cake. Must I be all the cliches all in one? Single, working, so many children, lesbian. Am I pushing away the only person who might want to even attempt to take this whole circus on? </div><div>And do I become "that ex", the one who couldn't deal with it, the one who walked away when shit got too hard. </div><div>Where is the line between commitment and abuse? </div><div><br></div><div>You say that you have changed. You've romanticized, once again, the life that we could have had. The kids. The love. It's easy to do that when you've been kept at an arms length, when all you have is hindsight and 20/20 vision and a sad bowl filled with regret and desperation. </div><div><br></div><div>I wonder if I've failed in all of this. I see how I could have done things differently, and how it could have been different. But maybe that, too, is just hindsight and romanticism. Maybe it had to be like this, because this was the way it meant to play out, the way it had unfold so we both could grow and learn and see with different eyes. </div><div><br></div><div>It's no secret that I'm a sucker for love. Likely that is my own brokenness showing. My own fear of being alone, of being continually abandoned by the ones to whom I give my heart. A self-fulfilling prophecy on a repeating loop. </div><div>I am afraid that I don't know what the right thing to do is. That I let you go and you evaporate from my life and go on to live and love beautifully while I watch from the sidelines, alone and in chaos. </div><div><br></div><div>I wanted you to be the one. And even though you're not, I'm still afraid to let you go. What if I've got it all wrong? What if I've got it all right? </div><div>I've never felt more ready and unprepared at the same time. </div><div><br></div><div>I wanted you to be the one~</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggO-wvo5DqOQMO7XY3ztZVBN0RhqUXqf82Vb0XSDtwf7VnKmN46HOMKU7vgQkrqOAkDXmv1ig0V-0GevMLnA-4A7vro6AZu-JTPtmWVXRuTSBr7xZOKB-LzlwiCsGkaKhnV0_E/s640/blogger-image-1983648282.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggO-wvo5DqOQMO7XY3ztZVBN0RhqUXqf82Vb0XSDtwf7VnKmN46HOMKU7vgQkrqOAkDXmv1ig0V-0GevMLnA-4A7vro6AZu-JTPtmWVXRuTSBr7xZOKB-LzlwiCsGkaKhnV0_E/s640/blogger-image-1983648282.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-85009913105196466882013-10-12T17:31:00.001-06:002013-10-12T17:31:58.871-06:00This. This is perfect.<a href="http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/10/can-we-be-lovers-not-have-sex/">http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/10/can-we-be-lovers-not-have-sex/</a><br />
<br />
<br />
I don't think I've ever read something that so perfectly describes why I am a hugger, a lover, a toucher... someone who has close, intimate relationships with people I care about without having sex with them. I have struggled in the past with explaining this, especially to my most recent ex. Partly I think that society teaches and preaches that touch is sexual, and if you're touching people, you must want sex from them. I think touch can be intimate without being sexual. I think people can be close, physically and emotionally, without it being an affair or untoward (as long as all people involved are on the same page, of course, and it's not hurting someone). THIS is what polyamory can be (without all the silly stereotypes) and why I think it works for me. <br />
<br />
I want a life of a million lovers and sex has absolutely nothing to do with it. Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-5039228371829566182013-01-29T20:44:00.004-07:002013-01-29T20:44:50.490-07:00Two years. Sometimes... often... when I am alone at night listening to music, my heart still gets that deep ache. I don't think this will ever go away. <br />
<br />Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-52501081107670231572012-08-04T17:53:00.002-06:002012-08-04T17:54:25.455-06:00candida and other adventuresAlmost 4 weeks ago I began the candida cleanse once again... a bit of d<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;">éjà vu as this was not my first time doing this cleanse. I embarked on this journey once before years ago when my middle child was an infant. This time the motivation was two-fold: symptoms and to acquire better habits. It's crazy restrictive, this cleanse, and it forces you to look at food in a very different way. No sugar, no fruit, no dairy, no grains, no vinegar, nothing fermented, nothing starchy. Basically if it's delicious, you shouldn't eat it lol A whole lot of protein, water and vegetables, especially greens. And a not-too-unpleasant drink each morning concocted of water, psyllium husk, bentonite clay and coconut oil with calendula extract. </em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;"><br /></em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;">In 25 days I have lost 16lbs and gained so much more than I ever expected. I didn't realize that it would help me see myself and my life with new eyes again, nor that it would remind me why I chose to continue eating this way for years to come after I did it the first time. I didn't realize that it would show me to look at food again in a whole new light, and help break me of my bad habits of eating out of boredom and sadness. I didn't expect it to feel this amazing, or re-teach me about food as nourishment in the most down-to-earth and meaningful sense. It has reawakened my passion for whole foods and re-inspired me to let myself reconnect with my passionate, creative side that I think even I didn't realize was so far gone until now. </em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;"><br /></em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;">I'm fairly certain I'm have not become one of those food-assholes that I roll my eyes at. You know the ones; people whose lives have been so changed by a food revolution that it's all they can talk about and the answer to every ailment. I promise I will not become "That Food-Nazi Evangelist"... I am not a fan of those people and don't ever think that any one way of eating/being is for every person.</em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;"><br /></em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;">I do know, however, that it has changed the way I look at my life in lots of ways. Today especially I am feeling overflowingly grateful for all the beauty that I have in my life at the moment, even though it's also messy, chaotic, overwhelming and time consuming. </em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;"><br /></em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;">I didn't realize just how much of a release this would all be. And I didn't realize how much I really needed to let go of some things. </em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;"><br /></em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;">I suppose that's the whole point of a cleanse, though, isn't it? Either way, I'll take it. </em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><em style="font-style: normal;">The light shows up in the strangest places. </em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; line-height: 16px;"><em style="color: black; font-style: normal;"><br /></em></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; line-height: 16px;"><em style="color: black; font-style: normal;"><br /></em></span></span>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-55431400493198516242012-08-01T22:43:00.001-06:002012-08-01T22:43:29.466-06:00<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/psmOqOvIzPI" width="420"></iframe>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-6529001151818038462012-01-09T19:41:00.002-07:002012-01-09T19:41:30.075-07:00Well that was love, and it's an ache I still remember...<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/d9NF2edxy-M" width="560"></iframe>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-23500844266283243602011-12-20T16:28:00.000-07:002011-12-20T16:28:49.063-07:00It's been almost a year. The closer it gets, the more thoughts cross my mind, the more I miss so much. It's a strange and fucked up place to be... being in love with someone and generally, truly happy... and yet yearning. Wondering. Wishing. Hoping. Thinking, always thinking. Not a day goes by without thoughts entering my brains and making me wonder how it's been this long already. <br />
I miss tea and sunshine couch visits. Listening to music and flopping around on the floor laughing like drunk monkeys. Cooking together, wandering the streets aimlessly together. <br />
<br />
It's a new moon tomorrow and that usually makes me a lot more reflective... often a lot more broody. <br />
Mostly, I just miss you. Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-31916455562478172672011-08-24T08:49:00.001-06:002011-08-24T08:49:51.098-06:00Great new musicLovelovelove this song. <br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="345" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/am6rArVPip8" width="560"></iframe>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-65351626790803887832011-07-22T19:53:00.000-06:002011-07-22T19:53:03.662-06:006 months feels like a millions years and also yesterday. It's amazing how much has changed in that amount of time.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-73983260627090014192011-07-07T00:43:00.002-06:002011-07-07T00:43:42.962-06:00A walk by the river...... it couldn't have been more awesome.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-4803639954693509812011-07-04T00:51:00.001-06:002011-07-04T00:53:09.735-06:00just a song<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/NAc83CF8Ejk?rel=0" width="640"></iframe><br />
<br />
I love the line "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead". Also<br />
"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10px; line-height: 20px;">You'd know how the time flies.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10px; line-height: 20px;">Only yesterday was the time of our lives.<br style="clear: left;" />We were born and raised in a summery haze.<br style="clear: left;" />Bound by the surprise of our glory days.</span><br />
The world keeps spinning and I'm glad. I hope you never forget because I sure won't. Everything about this song means everything that I wish I could say.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-67091502840822460912011-06-26T21:21:00.000-06:002011-06-26T21:21:43.480-06:00GatewaysToday I went for a run around my neighbourhood for over an hour. It was fabulous and I plan to do it often. It has been raining here for just about a month straight, and while that makes for some soggy (and mosquito-y) times, it also makes for a lush, green city that we normally are not accustomed to. Generally it is dry and half-brown here, so to have everything so fully green, so fully in bloom... well, it's incredible. <br />
I moved into the house I'm in last September, so I haven't gotten to experience this house or this neighbourhood in the spring/summer yet... so far I am loving it. There is a LOT of grass to mow (and a LOT of sidewalk to shovel in the winter), but I also appreciate the vast amount of green and trees that surrounds me. A few people have told me that the street I live on reminds them of Vancouver and I have to agree... something about it really does have a Vancouver-ish feel to it. <br />
Anyways, my run today opened my eyes to the immense beauty that abounds in my neighbourhood. I haven't explored the neighbourhood much until now, so I made a point of going down streets I've never been down. I wasn't disappointed. I can't wait to go on long, lazy, summer walks with my kids, and runs and skating adventures on my own in the quiet, delicious solitude of my own head. Just me and my feet and the sky and some music. <br />
<br />
Skating is going okay... I am still not great at it but I am determined to continue to practice with the hopes that I'll eventually improve. I'm working on fitness and building up my stamina/endurance, and I think that will help a lot. <br />
<br />
The rest of me... well the rest of me is okay too. I'm working on a lot of things, trying to make some headway with my head and my heart and where I'm at within all of it. I'm working hard at trying to work through a lot of the shit I've been holding onto for a very long time and I'm trying to be more upfront with where I'm *really* at instead of just putting on a brave face and slogging through. I had a tarot reading two weeks ago that was interesting for me... the gist of it was that I am surrounded by gateways, on the verge of changing and doing a lot of things. I definitely agree with that... I feel like with every passing day I inch closer to where I am wanting to be, in my body and in my mind and heart. It's a slow, slow process, and I realize more and more how afraid of myself I really am, but I'm trying. That's all one can really do, I guess. It's a long and winding road, but I'll get there. Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-21513109075020891862011-05-14T06:13:00.000-06:002011-05-14T06:13:24.572-06:00I wish I had found this song earlier. Although I can't fathom it right now, I can only hold hope that I will have this again. One day. <br />
I'm trying, but it's hard for me.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/UCToKMzu060?rel=0" width="480"></iframe><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #212121; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 18px;">dance dance<br />
shuffle your feet with me<br />
you throw your arms<br />
around my hips<br />
and i can barely tell<br />
we're not alone<br />
<br />
<br />
get close<br />
i love to feel your hair<br />
run through my cheeks<br />
and around my neck<br />
please don't let us<br />
move offbeat<br />
<br />
<br />
cause if you stop<br />
i move<br />
you walk away<br />
my heart won't stay the same<br />
so say<br />
you will sway the night away<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
dance with me</span>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-91022529829947413122011-05-06T13:05:00.000-06:002011-05-06T13:05:56.092-06:00<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/1-S4R3bNZ-8?fs=1" allowfullscreen="" width="425" frameborder="0" height="344"></iframe>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-33311914594259240192011-04-21T20:32:00.000-06:002011-04-21T20:32:24.877-06:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRazdcX33CMVX9OrmYbbKM0N1tMoGw3ZFC61b89VtVCe7j6pWOakV2aLEehXXPCsNXg7ZdYmwPSpUIfQvsooGXo2Q7gZcwxKYHiF4u7Cs8bkWUaRidWK-n6t3p9Avi4gkosXFx/s1600/postsecret_postcard_lasttime_20110307145107069.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRazdcX33CMVX9OrmYbbKM0N1tMoGw3ZFC61b89VtVCe7j6pWOakV2aLEehXXPCsNXg7ZdYmwPSpUIfQvsooGXo2Q7gZcwxKYHiF4u7Cs8bkWUaRidWK-n6t3p9Avi4gkosXFx/s320/postsecret_postcard_lasttime_20110307145107069.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
It's been three months. I still think about you and miss you every day. And, I'm okay.<br />
<br />
Some things are forever, even when they aren't. The sun and the moon and the stars in the sky are there, always and forever, even when you can't see them.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-50414530341825877422011-04-12T09:38:00.000-06:002011-04-12T09:38:58.894-06:00It's a TV on the Radio kind of month...<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/dXLpXu9T7j0" title="YouTube video player" width="640"></iframe>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-56305339328703448402011-04-11T20:02:00.000-06:002011-04-11T20:02:50.081-06:00I'm all over the place lately. Ok, usually, but I'm feeling much more scattered and crazy than normal (for me). It seems that I am falling apart at the seams a bit. Understandable? Probably... but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. I generally pride myself at being adept at being open and honest with my feelings, while still being able to keep a safe distance from them, but lately they are surfacing all over the place. Creeping up and clubbing me in the head and heart when I least expect it.<br />
I started my moon on Saturday and usually that is the end of my crazy emotional pre-moon stuff... but not this time. I feel like all I've done is cry and reflect. I am realizing more and more lately that I need to deal with the things that have happened over the last 2.5 years in some more concrete ways... release all the feelings I've just been "coping" with and try to let them go while honouring them for myself at the same time. I'm not totally sure how I'm going to do that right now, all I know is that I need to start working on healing myself emotionally. My heart has been blown apart a couple times in a couple ways in the last 2.5 years and I need to find some ways to start stitching it back together. <br />
Sometimes, in order to move forward, you have to look back first.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-48179662927898017842011-03-29T20:42:00.000-06:002011-03-29T20:42:38.070-06:00Well this wasn't terrible to watch... ;)This popped up on my Facebook newsfeed (the music is Zeds Dead, a DJ that rocks my socks), but isn't necessarily appropriate for me to share on my wall... (warning: not safe for work or if you have kids running around).<br />
Enjoy :)<br />
<br />
<iframe frameborder="0" height="225" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/20260130" width="400"></iframe><br />
<a href="http://vimeo.com/20260130">Ode to 2011 NSFW</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/grayagent">grayagent</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-23884750302280679282011-03-28T20:46:00.000-06:002011-03-28T20:46:08.729-06:00untitled.A short poem I wrote while at a birth last week (mama was happy as a clam alone in the dark in the shower).<br />
<br />
<i>blessed am i</i><br />
<i>keeper of sacred space</i><br />
<i>witness to miracles</i><br />
<i>honour, pleasure, reverence.</i><br />
<i>silent affirmations of strength and endurance</i><br />
<i>"breathe"</i><br />
<i>"you *are* doing it!"</i><br />
<i>"one at a time"</i><br />
<i>blessed am i</i><br />
<i>gratitude for such a beautiful gift of presence. </i>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25646656.post-73957284213961702542011-03-28T20:41:00.000-06:002011-03-28T20:41:01.304-06:00Skating, skating...I had my first rollerskating lesson on Sunday and it was *fucking AWESOME*. So awesome. Way better than I could have ever hoped it to be, actually. I am not an athletic girl, nor am I well-coordinated and I sort of assumed that learning this skill would be like any other sporty-skill for me... I would be exceedingly mediocre and that's about it. Instead, I surprised myself by picking up the skills we learned very quickly, and advancing far faster than I expected I would. By the end of the 45 minute lesson I was able to skate much faster and cross-over during corners (which is something that scared the crap out of me before)! I was relieved to find that there were several other adults in the class; there were probably 20-30 kids and 15-20 adults total. I ended up being right in the middle as far as skill-level was concerned... not great, but not the worst either! Woohoo! I stayed for another 50 minutes after the lesson and skated around and around and around during the open public skate. So fun. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and cannot wait to do it again. I have tentative plans to skate again on Wednesday night, but that hinges on whether or not the kids' dad returns from Thailand on time and is willing to stay late so I can go out. We shall see. If nothing else, I will definitely be skating again on Sunday. <br />
<br />
I can't even express how excited I am about this. I really feel that I've finally fallen into something that I super love and could actually be good at! Skating around the roller rink on Sunday, I could actually imagine myself playing in a derby game which was pretty thrilling as well... I can't say I've ever felt this way about any sport. I can't wait to see where I can go from here. <br />
<br />
Last week felt whirlwind and long and short at the same time. I ended up attending two births back to back... two babies born 17 hours apart from each other (for a total of two births attended from start to finish in 20 hours)! Whew! In my 10 years of doulaing I haven't attended two births so back-to-back... it was exhausting and awesome all rolled into one. I don't do much support work these days, but the times that I do get to dip my toes in, I enjoy immensely. Birth is a large chunk of my heart and it's good for me to stay in it, even though the on-call part is stressful and difficult for me in my single-momness. It's really good for me to be reminded that I *am* passionate about this still, and that I am still really, really good at it, even though I am not as involved as I would like to be. One day I will be a midwife, and it's good to reaffirm that reality for myself by attending doula births here and there. <br />
<br />
Mercury is going retrograde once again this week and I find myself in a deeper mode of reflection and reassessment. I have been reminded a lot the last week that I need to strike some balance between grieving and distraction/moving forward. Perhaps this is just my own personal crazy-cycle, but it's rough riding the emotional rollercoaster of my heart. It seems like I am mostly okay for a while, and then out of nowhere I get thwacked with feeling very sad and lonely and filled with questions. As much as I can talk myself out of those emotions, it's hard not to get caught up in them, especially while driving or at night when I am left alone with my own thoughts and memories. I know that with time, it will get easier... it's just the ebb and the flow that I have a hard time syncing with. There is a finality and open-endedness that I struggle with, but have to accept nonetheless. I love hard, but I also hurt hard too. Oh feelings. <br />
<br />
As always, one foot in front of the other.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14524328551160862630noreply@blogger.com0