late moontree

Well that was love, and it's an ache I still remember...

2012-01-09T19:41:00.002-07:00

2011-12-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a year. The closer it gets, the more thoughts cross my mind, the more I miss so much. It's a strange and fucked up place to be... being in love with someone and generally, truly happy... and yet yearning. Wondering. Wishing. Hoping. Thinking, always thinking. Not a day goes by without thoughts entering my brains and making me wonder how it's been this long already.
I miss tea and sunshine couch visits. Listening to music and flopping around on the floor laughing like drunk monkeys. Cooking together, wandering the streets aimlessly together.

It's a new moon tomorrow and that usually makes me a lot more reflective... often a lot more broody.
Mostly, I just miss you.

Great new music

2011-08-24T08:49:00.001-06:00

Lovelovelove this song.

2011-07-22T19:53:00.000-06:00

6 months feels like a millions years and also yesterday. It's amazing how much has changed in that amount of time.

A walk by the river...

2011-07-07T00:43:00.002-06:00

... it couldn't have been more awesome.

just a song

2011-07-04T00:51:00.001-06:00

I love the line "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead". Also
"You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.
The world keeps spinning and I'm glad. I hope you never forget because I sure won't. Everything about this song means everything that I wish I could say.

Gateways

2011-06-26T21:21:00.000-06:00

Today I went for a run around my neighbourhood for over an hour. It was fabulous and I plan to do it often. It has been raining here for just about a month straight, and while that makes for some soggy (and mosquito-y) times, it also makes for a lush, green city that we normally are not accustomed to. Generally it is dry and half-brown here, so to have everything so fully green, so fully in bloom... well, it's incredible.
I moved into the house I'm in last September, so I haven't gotten to experience this house or this neighbourhood in the spring/summer yet... so far I am loving it. There is a LOT of grass to mow (and a LOT of sidewalk to shovel in the winter), but I also appreciate the vast amount of green and trees that surrounds me. A few people have told me that the street I live on reminds them of Vancouver and I have to agree... something about it really does have a Vancouver-ish feel to it.
Anyways, my run today opened my eyes to the immense beauty that abounds in my neighbourhood. I haven't explored the neighbourhood much until now, so I made a point of going down streets I've never been down. I wasn't disappointed. I can't wait to go on long, lazy, summer walks with my kids, and runs and skating adventures on my own in the quiet, delicious solitude of my own head. Just me and my feet and the sky and some music.

Skating is going okay... I am still not great at it but I am determined to continue to practice with the hopes that I'll eventually improve. I'm working on fitness and building up my stamina/endurance, and I think that will help a lot.

The rest of me... well the rest of me is okay too. I'm working on a lot of things, trying to make some headway with my head and my heart and where I'm at within all of it. I'm working hard at trying to work through a lot of the shit I've been holding onto for a very long time and I'm trying to be more upfront with where I'm *really* at instead of just putting on a brave face and slogging through. I had a tarot reading two weeks ago that was interesting for me... the gist of it was that I am surrounded by gateways, on the verge of changing and doing a lot of things. I definitely agree with that... I feel like with every passing day I inch closer to where I am wanting to be, in my body and in my mind and heart. It's a slow, slow process, and I realize more and more how afraid of myself I really am, but I'm trying. That's all one can really do, I guess. It's a long and winding road, but I'll get there.

2011-05-14T06:13:00.000-06:00

I wish I had found this song earlier. Although I can't fathom it right now, I can only hold hope that I will have this again. One day.
I'm trying, but it's hard for me.

dance dance
shuffle your feet with me
you throw your arms
around my hips
and i can barely tell
we're not alone

get close
i love to feel your hair
run through my cheeks
and around my neck
please don't let us
move offbeat

cause if you stop
i move
you walk away
my heart won't stay the same
so say
you will sway the night away

dance with me

2011-05-06T13:05:00.000-06:00

2011-04-21T20:32:00.000-06:00

It's been three months. I still think about you and miss you every day. And, I'm okay.

Some things are forever, even when they aren't. The sun and the moon and the stars in the sky are there, always and forever, even when you can't see them.

It's a TV on the Radio kind of month...

2011-04-12T09:38:00.000-06:00

2011-04-11T20:02:00.000-06:00

I'm all over the place lately. Ok, usually, but I'm feeling much more scattered and crazy than normal (for me). It seems that I am falling apart at the seams a bit. Understandable? Probably... but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. I generally pride myself at being adept at being open and honest with my feelings, while still being able to keep a safe distance from them, but lately they are surfacing all over the place. Creeping up and clubbing me in the head and heart when I least expect it.
I started my moon on Saturday and usually that is the end of my crazy emotional pre-moon stuff... but not this time. I feel like all I've done is cry and reflect. I am realizing more and more lately that I need to deal with the things that have happened over the last 2.5 years in some more concrete ways... release all the feelings I've just been "coping" with and try to let them go while honouring them for myself at the same time. I'm not totally sure how I'm going to do that right now, all I know is that I need to start working on healing myself emotionally. My heart has been blown apart a couple times in a couple ways in the last 2.5 years and I need to find some ways to start stitching it back together.
Sometimes, in order to move forward, you have to look back first.

Well this wasn't terrible to watch... ;)

2011-03-29T20:42:00.000-06:00

This popped up on my Facebook newsfeed (the music is Zeds Dead, a DJ that rocks my socks), but isn't necessarily appropriate for me to share on my wall... (warning: not safe for work or if you have kids running around).
Enjoy :)

Ode to 2011 NSFW from grayagent on Vimeo.

untitled.

2011-03-28T20:46:00.000-06:00

A short poem I wrote while at a birth last week (mama was happy as a clam alone in the dark in the shower).

blessed am i
keeper of sacred space
witness to miracles
honour, pleasure, reverence.
silent affirmations of strength and endurance
"breathe"
"you *are* doing it!"
"one at a time"
blessed am i
gratitude for such a beautiful gift of presence.

Skating, skating...

2011-03-28T20:41:00.000-06:00

I had my first rollerskating lesson on Sunday and it was *fucking AWESOME*. So awesome. Way better than I could have ever hoped it to be, actually. I am not an athletic girl, nor am I well-coordinated and I sort of assumed that learning this skill would be like any other sporty-skill for me... I would be exceedingly mediocre and that's about it. Instead, I surprised myself by picking up the skills we learned very quickly, and advancing far faster than I expected I would. By the end of the 45 minute lesson I was able to skate much faster and cross-over during corners (which is something that scared the crap out of me before)! I was relieved to find that there were several other adults in the class; there were probably 20-30 kids and 15-20 adults total. I ended up being right in the middle as far as skill-level was concerned... not great, but not the worst either! Woohoo! I stayed for another 50 minutes after the lesson and skated around and around and around during the open public skate. So fun. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and cannot wait to do it again. I have tentative plans to skate again on Wednesday night, but that hinges on whether or not the kids' dad returns from Thailand on time and is willing to stay late so I can go out. We shall see. If nothing else, I will definitely be skating again on Sunday.

I can't even express how excited I am about this. I really feel that I've finally fallen into something that I super love and could actually be good at! Skating around the roller rink on Sunday, I could actually imagine myself playing in a derby game which was pretty thrilling as well... I can't say I've ever felt this way about any sport. I can't wait to see where I can go from here.

Last week felt whirlwind and long and short at the same time. I ended up attending two births back to back... two babies born 17 hours apart from each other (for a total of two births attended from start to finish in 20 hours)! Whew! In my 10 years of doulaing I haven't attended two births so back-to-back... it was exhausting and awesome all rolled into one. I don't do much support work these days, but the times that I do get to dip my toes in, I enjoy immensely. Birth is a large chunk of my heart and it's good for me to stay in it, even though the on-call part is stressful and difficult for me in my single-momness. It's really good for me to be reminded that I *am* passionate about this still, and that I am still really, really good at it, even though I am not as involved as I would like to be. One day I will be a midwife, and it's good to reaffirm that reality for myself by attending doula births here and there.

Mercury is going retrograde once again this week and I find myself in a deeper mode of reflection and reassessment. I have been reminded a lot the last week that I need to strike some balance between grieving and distraction/moving forward. Perhaps this is just my own personal crazy-cycle, but it's rough riding the emotional rollercoaster of my heart. It seems like I am mostly okay for a while, and then out of nowhere I get thwacked with feeling very sad and lonely and filled with questions. As much as I can talk myself out of those emotions, it's hard not to get caught up in them, especially while driving or at night when I am left alone with my own thoughts and memories. I know that with time, it will get easier... it's just the ebb and the flow that I have a hard time syncing with. There is a finality and open-endedness that I struggle with, but have to accept nonetheless. I love hard, but I also hurt hard too. Oh feelings.

As always, one foot in front of the other.

Sunday music

2011-03-20T15:18:00.002-06:00

I've been waiting for this song to be released in North America for ages. So stoked to finally be able to find it. Love all of it... the lyrics, the tune... perfection.

Blow away
The remains from what was me
I can't hold on no more
'Cause there are maggots in the core

And you told me I should make my own choice
But when I tried to speak I had no voice
I was strong, I believed
Now it takes nothing to disintegrate me

So, wake me up and see that I'm alive
I'm alive, I'm alive
Lift me up and make me feel awake
I'm awake, I'm awake

Why did you show me all your skeletons and fears
When I was eating all the glitter in your tears?
I restrained
You fell free
You couldn't taste the salt that floated out of me

So now I'm blown away
Your premonition had the inside out of me
I was strong I believed
Now it takes nothing to disintegrate me

So wake me up and see that I'm alive
I'm alive, I'm alive
Lift me up and make me feel awake
I'm awake, I'm awake

Midweek rambling...

2011-03-16T14:25:00.000-06:00

The sky is screwing with me... the last few days have been gorgeous, balmy and sunny. Today it is grey and disgusting. The sky is all bright and hurts my brains... I don't know how to describe it better than the way the sky looks sounds bad in my head. Ha. I realized the other day that the sunny days are fucking with me just as much as the grey ones right now. I don't really know what to do about that other than to try and let it move through me. Seems like that's my mantra for most things... don't fight it, just roll with it. Way easier said than done. Some days I am successful at it, others I fall into myself and feel a bit like I'm drowning in my own feelings. That's life... sometimes you're up, and others you're down. It all evens out in the end I guess.

I'm in a place right now of major reevaluation of myself and my life. Trying to figure out where I want to go with things, how I plan to get there, making some simple goals to accomplish some things. As much as I was stoked on running, it fell apart after just two runs... I need to figure something out that doesn't inconvenience everyone around me. Too many children on my own and an overscheduled life (out of necessity, not by choice) is proving to be a stumbling block that I can't quite figure my way around. The unpredictable, bipolar weather that we have doesn't help... I feel as though it might be easier for me to actually go out and exercise without it costing me an arm and a leg in childcare if the sun would just shine and the ice would melt. I find myself dreaming about bike rides with my kids and running laps around a field while my kids play at a playground. Alas, that is a pipe dream right now because the reality is that it snows here til June. Not sure what my alternate plan will be until then, I have to keep thinking and working on possibilities.
Something that has surfaced recently is my desire to pursue rollerskating. Anyone who knows me in real life is probably laughing their ass off right now, because I'm the exact antithesis of graceful or coordinated. My skating skills leave everything to be desired and the rational part of my brain says "What the FUCK are you thinking even entertaining this??". BUT. I have always always been fascinated with rollerskating and roller derby and wished that I could try it out. I've always talked myself out of that by reminding myself that I am *not* athletic and generally suck at all sports because of my spastic nature when it comes to my own body control. I have always lumped myself in the category of "That's great for a lot of people, but you are not one of those people because you are too slow/large/incapable". I watched my first derby game last weekend, though, and have been bitten by the bug. My perception in my brain of what it might be was one that intimidated me, but the real thing ended up seeming much less intimidating than I anticipated. Now I can't stop thinking about learning to rollerskate better (technically I can stay upright, but that's about as far as my skills go...) and even entertain the idea of possibly trying out for derby once I get some actual skills that don't only involve attempting to not fall on my ass. I've made the decision to take some lessons and see where I can go with it. A friend has offered to help teach me, and I've put some feelers out for some used skates. I have idealistic visions of skating the pathways near my house and that possibility excites me a lot. Trying out for derby is maybe my end goal, but first I need to work on being able to move with wheels strapped to my feet... we'll see where I get from there lol

There was more I wanted to write, but my three year old just managed to dump 5lbs of goji berries all over the floor so it will have to wait. Life in the fast lane, I tell ya... never a dull moment.

Running with chickens

2011-03-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

So my kids have chickenpox. All three. At the same time. It's not really news around these parts as I know about 55 other children who have come down with it in the last month or so. I exposed them purposefully and am happy that we have it... it is good to get it over and done with. Can't say it's the funnest time I've had ever, but it's also not the worst either. This is probably the sickest my kids have ever been and they are being troopers for the most part (save for some excessive whining and clinging). Itchy, oozing spots, feverish heads and lots of movies and cuddles have defined most of this past week.

In other news, I have started running again!! I couldn't be more stoked about it. I used to think that I hated running, until several years ago when I was walking on the treadmill at the gym and just... felt compelled to run. So I did, and I loved it. I have had an on and off affair with running ever since. I say on and off because I'm not that great at being consistent about it... I run in the spring and summer months, into the fall until the snow flies... and then not again until the follow spring thaw. I'm not the biggest fan of treadmills, or any stationary exercise machines for that matter. I get bored quickly, even with a screen or music to distract me. I think I just need scenery that moves past me so I feel like I'm actually going *somewhere*, you know?
Anyways... I've taken up running again. And it's not spring yet (sadly, not anywhere NEAR there yet). Running on a treadmill, even! I've felt motivated lately to run and bike and just generally move my body, and hopefully shed some of the negative feelings I have about my body in the process. I've set a couple simple goals for myself... nothing fancy and nothing lofty because I know myself well enough to know that if I do that, I won't even try. I have a bad habit of getting frustrated easily because I'm not perfect at something the first time I try it, so I don't even try. Stupid eh? Alas, it's how I'm wired. I am feeling pretty determined to try to change that, and these are my first, wobbly, teetering steps.
1. No sugar. I have a terrible addiction to sugar and get into jags where I eat nothing BUT sugar. And then I turn into some hideous version of the girl from The Exorcist, complete with my head spinning around and green pea soup shooting out of my orifices. No pretty, to say the least. Sugar may taste good, but it makes me a psycho.
2. Run three times a week; Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. I am doing a Couch to 10K program (it's an app on my iPhone... yay iPhone!) and so far I like it. It feels attainable and reasonable for me right now.
3. Track my food. I know I eat better when I have to write down every single morsel I put into my face, so I'm back to writing it all down again.

That's it for now. I want to incorporate yoga regularly in there, but that's more difficult for me as my alone (read: sans offspring) time is minimal at best. I bought a pass for a yoga studio that just opened right down the hill from me and intend to put that to use once I make the running part of my regular routine. I need to remind myself that I have to start small and build up, because that is how I will achieve better results that are also long-term. I often get into funks where I think that I'm not doing enough because I'm not doing every single thing I've ever wanted to do in my life. Baby steps, Crystal. One foot in front of the other. That's how you get through runs, and that's how you get through life.

This weekend I get my standard 34 hour break from the short people and for the first time in 7 weeks I'm really looking forward to it. I'm planning on running, crafting, visiting with some people, cleaning my house and doing some laundry. Pretty mundane in the eyes of some, perhaps, but just right for this girl.

Now, off to run. One foot in front of the other... because that's how I'm going to make my way through this.

Dear Today:

2011-02-24T18:31:00.002-07:00

Please go fuck yourself.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Me.

Hell in the hallway

2011-02-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine posted this as her Facebook status yesterday:
"Hanging out in between the no longer and the not yet. I heard once, 'yep, when one door closes another door opens, but it can be hell in the hallway'. This too shall pass...this too shall pass...this too shall pass..."

Yeah. That's pretty much me right now. Stuck in the in-between of what is no longer and what may come some day. I am trying hard not to let my life get to me but it's not been easy lately. I vacillate between being distracted and numb, to feel so sad and defeated. I try so hard and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I've spent most of my life putting everyone before me, taking care of people, spreading my love around where it is needed. And in so many ways I have had that love returned to me tenfold... I have been helped out physically, monetarily, emotionally, spiritually... I have been well taken care of the last two and a half years while I have struggled and tried to make it all work.

It's just that sometimes I wish that life would give me a break for a while. I'm not asking for a lot... I know that life is an ebb and a flow and that things will not always be easy, nor do I want them to be. Challenge is good... it forces you to grow and step outside of your own self-constructed comfort zones. I just feel like I've been challenged a LOT and I am tired. I'm tired of being the emotional black-hole. I'm tired of worrying about how I'm going to pay my rent, or how I'm going to keep my family safe. I'm tired of feeling like I can't ever relax because something always ends up changing or shifting and I have to be "on" to make sure everyone has a place to land. Now my job is on the line and I am scared. If it falls through I am scared of what will happen and how I will continue to "make it work" once more.

Mostly, I'm just tired. And lost. And feeling like I have no idea what I want. A friend of mine asked me where I saw myself when I was 40, and I have no clue. 12 years seems like an eternity right now, and really I feel like I can't even see into next week, nevermind next year and beyond. In my idealistic mind, I know what I want to do with myself, but with the way things are going, I have no idea how I will ever make that happen. Dream's and reality's worlds are so far apart that they can't even see each others' moons.

"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home."

I keep looking for that starlight but I'm scared that that light is supposed to be me, and I'm so lost I don't even know how to find myself anymore.

2011-02-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.
~Kahlil Gibran

2011-02-11T14:36:00.002-07:00

Sometimes the hurt is so deep, it's hard to overpass this feeling.
It's hard to hold onto the earth when the currents of life drag us under to the cold depths of reality.

You know that blur? That dizziness?
It's the world passing you by.
I won't beg you, I cannot ask you to take heed to my words.
I can only advise you to stop in the blur of life, see what you see. Actually take a moment to feel what you feel. Taste what you taste.
In the morning when you wake, and it feels like today is just another day, remember it's entirely new and you are not the same as you were yesterday.

We may walk the same steps , to the same places.
But we are different in some way.

Let every step you take, be towards something to make it easier to rise in the morning.
Let every wish you make, be something to better yourself and your life.

2011-02-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to figure out where to go with this blog, and with this life of mine. Everything has turned topsy-turvy once again and I am feeling lost, unsettled, unfocused, uninspired. I know I want to feel productive, useful, happy. I just have no idea how to get there or where to go from here. 2.5 years into the upheaval of life as I knew it and I feel like I am no farther ahead than I was when I began. I have grown into myself a lot, but I still feel such an sense of... something. Unsettled is the best way I can describe it. I feel like I am in a constant state of just coping, without ever really making any progress beyond that. Part of me would like to believe that some peace and calm are ahead for me, but I have been repeating that to myself for over two years now without much fruition. There have been periods where I have felt mostly okay... mostly like myself, filled with hope and love. The past year especially had me feeling like I was starting to hit my stride, that I was coming into a place in my heart that felt right and good. Life has shifted again though, as it does, and now I'm back in the stage of re-evaluating and taking inventory. Some days I'm okay... others less so. I am trying to be gentle with myself and give myself the time and space I need to navigate my way out of this place and into another. I'm not accomplishing much, but that's okay for now. Right now I just need to focus on my breath and my heart. The sun always rises again tomorrow, and no matter what, I will be okay.

2011-02-10T00:28:00.000-07:00

i love these song lyrics... the song itself is terrible, but the lyrics are perfect.

Words
Words and expressions
All these confessions
Of where we stand
How I see you
And you see me
Dedications of symmetry
Together we will be
forever.
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see it through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
There were no truer words than when spoken
Let that stand as it should
There was nothing left when broken
We grab anything when we fall
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see us through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
You will do what you do
I will do what I do
We will do what we do
Rearrange and see it through
Go where you think you want to go
Do everything you were sent here for
Fire at will if you hear that call
Touch your hand to the wall at night
Promises.
Words.

Long time...

2010-11-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling a lot like I want to get back to writing again lately... recently I've been inspired to actually ressurrect this blog. It has been pretty well 2 years since I last posted... over 2 years since I regularly posted here. So, SO many facets of my life have changed... I feel like, save for the children, nothing is the same as it once was. And I couldn't be happier, actually. Previously I was wont to share a lot on this blog, but I am feeling like I might use this forum for things other than my typical brain-dumps. I have been thinking a lot lately about creative writing again... specifically poetry, which is something I used to do all the time but got lost in the waves of the ocean of my life many years ago. So maybe that is what this blog will become... and maybe not. I have learned a lot of things about myself in the last 2 years, one of which is that I am not great when it comes to internet follow-through lol I am a "jag writer" more than I am a "daily blogger", partly because my life just isn't that fascinating!
Anyways... that's that for now. I'm curious if anyone is still out there reading this thing? Come out, come out, wherever you are...

Bear with me...

2009-01-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

I am in the midst of frantically trying to get half of an entire History course done in 5 days. I *think* I will be able to accomplish my goal, but in the meantime I will be sorely neglecting every other part of my life, including my blog (no big surprises there though, eh? lol). I really do plan on blogging more often, especially with more pictures, but just not this week!!

Resolutions

2008-12-28T22:09:00.003-07:00

The new year is coming and resolutions have been on my mind. I am generally not a big resolution maker, but I do try to hold my intentions for the new year in my mind and I thought I would put them out there for the heck of it.

I am feeling committed to taking better care of myself, both emotionally and physically. I have a membership to the YMCA and I will be using it on weekends to work out in their gym and also to do some yoga. I also want to start being better about taking my supplements, because I really do feel so much more alive and present when my body is getting all it needs. More water and less sugar are also on the agenda!

How about you? Any resolutions or healthy intentions that you are making?

A belated Happy Holidays

2008-12-28T21:57:00.002-07:00

I hope everyone had a beautiful, joy filled holiday season!
Ours was lovely, albeit a bit unconventional given the new family arrangement around these parts. The kids got spoiled with a ton of really great toys (mostly all wooden treasures!) and I got a few nice gifts as well. It has been a hard and emotional couple of months for me and the Solstice/Christmas season was especially bittersweet.

I am looking forward to the new year and a clean slate. 2008 has ended with a lot of emotion and while I know that 2009 will be just as tough in a lot of ways, I think it will also be a year of growth and self-realization for me. It will be my first full year as a single-parent, as Jesse has decided he is not going to move back to the house and does not want to pursue trying to heal our relationship anymore. It is sad, sad news for me, but I cannot do much more about it other than to respect his wishes and move forward. Nothing is really going to change for our children, as his plan is to still take them and spend time with them on weekends.

I am persevering with my schooling and apprenticeship despite my circumstances. It will be difficult as on-call work is unpredictable, but I am confident that I will be able to find a way to make it work. I am still attending clinic on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and it has been a great motivator for me, and I have learned a lot so far. One of the midwives says that she is considering letting me do her pap! ACK! I haven't done a pap yet, only watched, so that is scary scary for me! But who better to practice on than a midwife lol I will be hopefully attending births soon (all the December clients had their babies during the week and I am only able to attend births on weekends for now) as there are several women due in the coming month. I am so blessed to have women and their families welcoming me into their childbearing experiences...I can't even express how lucky I feel.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me but I do know that whatever happens, I am strong enough to get through this challenging time in my life. My children are loved, healthy and happy and I know that we will be okay.

Ch- ch-ch-changes...

2008-09-17T00:08:00.003-06:00

Ok, so I alluded to some big things in a post below, but never actually came back to clarify. Partly because I haven't been ready to type out the whole sordid story yet, and partly because I've just been too busy to sit down and type out the whole sordid story. And...partly because I suck at blogging...but you knew that already ;)

I'm not going to get into allll the gory details, but the long and short of it is that Jesse and I separated in August...he moved out into his own place in September. It was his choice and decision to do so, and it left me shocked and devastated, to say the least. I don't know what it going to happen to us, but we are working on it together and I am hopeful that we will reconcile. I am hanging in there in my newfound position of "single mama"...there are good days and there are rough days. My kids are doing well, though, and for that I am grateful.

On the up side, I am really enjoying doing some minor renos in the house without having to consult or compromise with Jesse about things. I got rid of half of my sectional couch, rearranged my entire living room, bought and built a wooden shelf at Ikea for my kitchen and bought some plants for said shelf! My house feels so open and fresh right now, it's really nice.

I've also started my preceptorship with the midwives! Last week was my first week and it was SO FUN! I got to take blood pressures, palpate bellies, determine the lie of the babies, measure fundal height and listen for heartbeats with both the Doppler and the fetoscope. It has been great for motivating me to persevere through my classes and get things submitted. I have set a goal for myself to finish Holistic Health and History of Midwifery by December 12, which is just over 6 weeks away. Eek!! So far I have met my goals of submitting the sections I intended to and it feels awesome to move forward again.

All in all, some big changes occurring around here. I'm trying to breathe, take it a day at a time and just roll with it. I know that good things are in store for me.

sweet mother of pearl...

2008-09-11T17:31:00.002-06:00

...i may just lose my mind. Today I discovered that me and all three kids have LICE. AGHHH!! So, if I don't blog for a little while, it's probably because I am picking nits, washing loads of laundry, vacuuming like crazy, picking more nits, slathering myself and the kids with TTO, picking more nits, doing more laundry, vacuuming some more...did I mention picking nits?

I am so waving my white flag right about now. This, on top of everything else that is going on with me and Jesse...I think I am full up on shitty things happening.

long time...

2008-08-29T00:02:00.003-06:00

Ack I am a terrible terrible blogger. SO sorry it has been so long!

Much has changed since I last blogged...big things are happening here. I don't really want to get into all of it right now, but suffice to say that our living situation is about to change dramatically and Jesse and I are about to embark on an interesting journey.

I'd love to say that I've been busy doing schoolwork instead of blogging...but sadly I cannot! I have been procrastinating like hell about schoolwork and it's starting to weigh heavily on my mind.
We've spent most of summer outdoors this year, and it has been fabulous. We've been hula-hooping, camping, sunbathing, enjoying the sun in all its summertime glory. It is getting cool again, already, and I am sad to see summer fade into fall.

I scored a huge 23 cubic foot freezer off Kijiji for free earlier this month, and have been diligently filling it with the summer's bounty. I have frozen a ton of fruit; 20lbs of blueberries, 40lbs of peaches, 15lbs of strawberries. I've also been trying my hand at canning. So far I have made dill pickles, dill carrots, pickled sweet beets, peaches in extra-light syrup, mixed berry jam. I plan on making a bunch of applesauce once apples come into season, and I am considering doing another type of jam, too. I need to freeze more stuff as well...some veggies. Not sure what, or when yet...but I plan on doing it at least! It has been a very fun experience so far...I kinda like being a food hoarder ;)

Nova starts school next week. Her first day is Sept 3, but she only goes for half of the usual time. She has a full 3 hour day on Friday the 5th. She asked for a blessingway, so we are having a blessingway here on Sunday afternoon. I am excited for it. I need to start making food for that, come to think of it! We will make a necklace with beads for her, as well as decorate a backpack with beautiful things. The backpack is a surprise to her, and she is going to flip when she sees it. I've asked everyone coming to bring a bead for the necklace, and then some other beautiful item to sew/glue/affix to the backpack. I think I will bring out her baby scrapbook and talk about Nova as a baby, how she has grown into this lovely 5 year olf person...things like that.

I need to get in touch with the midwives I'm preceptoring with...I'm supposed to start in a few weeks!! EEekk!! Exciting and terrifying all at once.

Jesse took the girls to the mountains camping on Tuesday. They just got back tonight. they had a blast and a half exploring Banff, Fairmont and Invermere. Faeryn was passed out cold when they got home this evening, and Nova talked my ear off for over an hour about all they did. I'm interested to see what Faeryn has to tell me tomorrow...there were things that Jes and Nova wouldn't tell me about their trip because Faeryn needed/wanted to tell me.

Ok, my eyes are starting to cross...time for bed for me. I promise I'll be back sooner than a month's time!

Etsy love

2008-07-08T23:43:00.002-06:00

Oh my. I have heard of Etsy before; friends have raved about the awesome stuff they can find on Etsy. I had never actually *been* to the site, though...until today.
A woman named Chelsea left a comment on my blog. I was browsing her blog and got to the end of the first page and she had posted some pictures of the the cutest hats I've ever seen.
Clickety-click and I was here:
Cite Fuzz

Oh my goodness what cute stuff. AND it's Canadian.
Loooook at these hats!!

I *must* have these for Indigo:

Reflections

2008-07-04T00:49:00.004-06:00

I've got my birth video playing on another tab and I've got the tingles and shivers remembering the intense, crazy night that happened 1 year ago. I have vivid, whole body memories of Indigo's birth...the intensity of the contractions and speed at which they came...the warm water of the pool that cradled my body between contractions...the feeling of his head still inside of me, still enclosed by a squeaky, squishy amniotic sac that had been his home for 40weeks...the sensation of my water breaking beneath my fingers...his head suddenly moving down past my wide open cervix...the sweet, searing burn that accompanied his arrival. His sticky, vernix covered body; warm, wet, wriggling in my arms. I've never had a baby so coated in vernix...he was covered! His ears were full of it too. I will never forget the way it felt to reach inside my body and feel his head, wiggling beneath my touch, worming his way slowly through my bones and out into the light.
His was the birth I had imagined myself having...it was healing and empowering and delicious. And crazy and intense and mindblowing ;) I felt like a million fucking dollars for days afterwards...I could have ran a 10K, I was so pumped! Homebirth is amazing.

This baby boy has taught me so much in the last year. I am so blessed and grateful that he chose me to be his mama. He truly completes our family.
Life is beautiful <3

2008-07-04T00:41:00.003-06:00

The Birth of Indigo Skye

When I wrote the story of my second daughter’s birth, I wrote it with the knowledge in my mind that she was probably my last child, but with the hope in my heart that I would have at least one more. Apparently that hope won out! I found myself pregnant in October of 2006 and was thrilled. My partner, Jesse, had a different reaction, one of fear and disbelief and he had a hard time throughout my pregnancy accepting that we were having another baby...our third in 4 years. My daughters, Nova and Faeryn, were 3 ½ years and 18 months old at the time.

My pregnancy progressed without a hitch, although I found myself worrying more about things than I had with my last two pregnancies. I chalked it up to the fact that I desperately wanted this baby and a homebirth and anything that felt like it was compromising that (like the very normal cramps in the early months) made me worry a bit. I felt like a bit of a headcase, being concerned about every little thing, and that felt silly because I’m a doula and I *knew* all this stuff, but I just chalked it up to me being a worrywart and tried to push it out of my mind.
As my belly grew, I found myself obsessively checking the baby’s position, ensuring that he or she was head down. This concern was not unfounded, however, as my second child was footling breech. Even though I had had a successful vaginal delivery with her, and I knew my chances of having another breech baby were slim, I couldn’t help but think about it often.

I continued to take doula clients and reveled in it, until about my 6th month when I attended two births that went sideways and I became disheartened. I started to question my desire to continue to be a doula and thoughts of beginning midwifery school began to surface, even though I hadn’t planned on beginning that journey until my children were much older. I rationalized with myself and listed off all the reasons why starting midwifery school was a crazy idea, but in the end I just couldn’t shake the feeling that NOW was the time to start. I applied to the Midwives College of Utah in January 2007 and was accepted in February, classes started in May. I also attended a birth (my last for this pregnancy) in May with my very own midwives and a wonderful woman that only solidified my resolve that now was the right time to begin my own midwifery journey.

Throughout my pregnancy I was asked the ever-popular question, “Do you know what you’re having?”. My answer to that question has always been “A baby”, with a cheeky grin on my face. I didn’t find out with my daughters and I didn’t want to find out with this pregnancy either, much to the dismay of those around us. With my daughters, I had a very clear feeling that they were girls. With this pregnancy, I really wanted to have another girl and so I told others that I thought the baby was a girl, but deep down I knew that I was having a boy. I had several very vivid dreams that the baby was a boy but for some reason I had a hard time accepting that. I look back on it now and wish that I hadn’t downplayed my feelings as much as I did but at the time I just couldn’t say it aloud. I felt that if I did, it would make it more real and I wasn’t ready for that reality yet. I had said once that I always felt that there was another baby girl out there, waiting for me, and I really did feel that way...so if I admitted that I thought this baby was a boy it would, in my mind, discount anything I had felt or said before.
Maybe this is why we had such a hard time picking a name for a boy. Maybe not. Either way, the weeks passed, my belly blossomed, we found a girl’s name we *loved* but could not come up with anything for a boy that we loved as much. I knew I wanted something nature based; tree names especially resonated with me, but Jesse and I couldn’t settle on any one name that really felt right. One name that I kept going back to was Indigo, but I kept crossing it off my mental list because I knew a woman with a son named Indigo and I had decided that I couldn’t use a name that I knew was already used by a friend. For reasons unknown to me, I never actually mentioned Indigo to Jesse. I’m not sure if it was a conscious oversight or an honest lapse in memory but I just never told him. As my 7th and 8th months passed, we decided to just let it be. We knew that a name would materialize at the perfect time if we needed it.

My due date was July 3rd, 2007. My previous births had both occurred before my due date, so I just assumed that that would be so for this birth as well. Silly me, I should have known better than to be cocky about anything pertaining to birth! June came and went and everything was ready for baby’s arrival. I had borrowed a fabulous birth pool called a La Bassine from a friend who had had a beautiful homebirth in it, and I was excited to have that energy surround me while I was in labour. My girls and I eagerly blew it up two weeks before my due date, sure that I would be using it “any day now”. My excitement and anticipation grew with each passing day. People started asking me if I was getting tired of being pregnant or tired of waiting, but my answer was always no. Unlike most women, I love the third trimester. I feel most like a true goddess when I am ripe and round with baby.
Much to my surprise, July 3rd came and went. I had been so sure that I would go in the week before my due date, because that is how it had played out with my daughters, but this wee soul inside me had other plans. I had an appointment the next day with my midwife, Jane. When I got there she asked me if I wanted to stir up some trouble and I decided to go for it. She placed her fingers inside me to rim my cervix a bit and her eyes grew wider and wider. “Oh my...oh MY!”, Jane exclaimed. I laughed and asked her what that was all about and she said that my cervix had just melted open to 4cm beneath her touch. Tonight would most likely be a birth day for me, but I tried not to get overly ramped up about it because I knew that sometimes third babies play labour games and make mamas wait. I went home with my girls and we spent the afternoon playing at the park across the street from our home.

A few hours later I ventured out with my girls again to a chiropractic appointment, where I told Dr Patti about the exciting news. I wasn’t yet feeling crampy or having any signs of labour, but I had a familiar buzzy feeling inside me that told me that labour was not far away. I brushed it off, however, and walked to Planet Organic with my daughters to pick up a couple things before heading home once more.

Around 6pm I started feeling crampy but I ignored the feelings, not wanting to get excited over something that might go away. I kept telling myself that third babies often played tricks and to just wait and see. I fed my daughters dinner and we waited for Daddy to come home. Jesse arrived around 7:30pm, in a truck that I didn’t recognize. I went outside to ask him about it and tell him that I thought tonight might be the night. He told me that the truck belonged to someone from work and that he was supposed to return it the next day. I urged him to return it that night because I was feeling more and more sure that the baby would be arriving tonight. Besides, his work is only a 25 minute drive from our home, it wouldn’t take him long to go there and back. And I wasn’t really in labour yet anyways. He ate some dinner and helped me get the girls to bed, then headed out again to do the truck switcharoo. I decided to call my midwives and other support people to give them a heads up that I thought things were moving along.

Left alone in the quiet of my house, I sat down at my computer and checked my email. I queued up a song on YouTube that a friend’s brother wrote and listened to it over and over and over again. The cramps had started to turn into contractions and I just rode with them...rolling gently on our big silver ball and listening to the beautiful melody of “She Never Knew (She Never Knew)”. My friend Becky popped up on MSN Messenger and I chatted with her briefly, aware of the growing strength and intensity of the feeling in my belly. She asked me how long my contractions were, and how far apart and I had no idea and no clock near me except for the YouTube timer, so I started timing my contractions against the YouTube clock, just for curiosity sake. In the space of about 15 minutes they went from 5 minutes apart and 60 seconds long to 2 minutes apart and 90 seconds long. I started feeling uncomfortable on the ball so I said goodbye to Becky and headed for my couch in the living room.

Once I settled on the couch on all fours, labour started progressing much faster than I had anticipated it would. Suddenly I was having to close my eyes and breathe heavily, rocking back and forth with each powerful contraction. I started to feel panicky, not because things were moving quickly or that I was feeling unsafe, but simply because I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I wanted Jesse’s strong, comforting arms embracing me and to hear the soft, encouraging whispers of the women I had invited to this sacred event. I called Jesse and began to bawl my eyes out, begging him to hurry home. I called my friend Jen, a new doula; my friend KC, a friend in the study group for my midwifery school; Tracy, a friend and fellow doula who had also been with me for Faeryn’s labour and birth; and, finally, my midwives. I was expecting Jane and Nadine to be there, but it was Sharyne who answered, so I knew that it would be Jane and Sharyne. I felt a little sad and disappointed about that, because I had really connected with Nadine throughout my pregnancy, but left it alone for the time being and went back to concentrating on the contractions one at a time, and trying not to cry because I was lonely.

In between contractions I suddenly realized that I hadn’t checked on Nova and Faeryn for a while, so I headed down the hall and found Nova missing from the bed that she and her sister shared. I looked in my room and found her there in my bed, eyes wide open. I whispered to her that I thought tonight was the night that the baby was going to come, and that if she wasn’t tired she could come out and hang out with me. I reminded her that I was going to make some noise and have to concentrate very hard, just like we had talked about. We watched birth videos and talked a lot about labour and birth throughout my pregnancy, so she knew what was happening. She followed me quietly to the living room and watched with wide-eyed wonder.
Jen arrived first, around 9:30pm, and found me on the floor of my living room, with a fan blowing on my back. I was on all fours and rocking back and forth, moaning. She knelt beside me and whispered hello and I barely got a “hi” out before another contraction came. Jane came next, then Jesse, then Sharyne. Tracy slipped in at some point but I’m not sure when...it couldn’t have been too far behind Jen according to my birth pictures! I told Jane that I was sad that Nadine wasn’t going to be there, so Jane paged Nadine and she came along for the birth as well. Now I had a full coven of females to support me and witness the birth of my third child.

I completely lost track of time at this point, everything melded into what felt like one long moment. I guess I was acting pretty serious labour-wise because all of a sudden Jane was asking me if I was pushing as she turned off the fan and started putting a plastic sheet underneath me. I howled and said I wanted the fan on, I was too hot, this was too fast, ohmygod it hurts! Jane asked me if I still wanted to birth in the water and I said YES! I was going to get my waterbirth come hell or high water. I heard Jesse running around, hooking up the hoses to the bathroom sink faucets, trying to get the tub filled up.
When the tub was half-way filled Jane told me I could get in and I hobbled to my room in the back of our home. I slid into the warm water and thought to myself “Ahhh...this is what I’ve been needing all along”. My back was aching but I pushed the thought of a posterior baby out of my head. I remember thinking that I was taking too long, that I should get out of my head, that I just needed to get down to business. It’s near impossible to doula yourself, but I sure tried. I struggled with staying grounded and focused and in the moment for quite a while before I allowed myself to just let go and surrender to the labour. Sometimes too much knowledge and experience in birth can be hard to overcome when it is you who is labouring.

I was vocal before I got into the tub, but became even more so after entering the warm, watery womb. Nova seemed unfazed by my vocalizations, but I ended up waking up Faeryn (who had slept right through all the rest of the commotion thus far) during a particularly intense contraction. She was fine until I had another doozy of a contraction, then she got a little scared, so Jen took her and Nova to their room to draw pictures for the new baby, with the promise of being called back when the baby’s birth was imminent.

Soon after, I started feeling the pressure to push. I pushed for a while but it didn’t feel right yet, so I stopped. Jane had Jesse move in front of me and just sit with me for a few contractions. After a few very strong contractions I felt the baby’s head move down a bit more and the urge to push overwhelmed me. My fingers probed my vagina and I could feel baby’s head and the bulging amniotic sac; slippery, smooth, firm and warm. I pushed again and kept my fingers there and could feel the baby’s head move more and more...turning, wriggling, navigating the bones of my pelvis. Suddenly I felt the bag burst and the head came right down and I exclaimed “My water broke!”. One push later the head was crowning. Oh the burning...I always forget about the burning part of crowning baby heads. I leaned back as the baby’s head rotated; Tracy got a stellar shot of the baby, face up in the water, head cradled in Jesse’s hands, body still inside mine. One more push and the head was out and only a few seconds after that (at 11:26pm) the baby’s hot, sticky body slid out of mine and into the water and Jesse’s hands. We brought the baby up to my chest and he let out one loud wail, as if to say “I’m here!”. Both my girls were instantly glued to the side of the tub and I held the baby’s legs apart to show Nova so she could announce the sex (something she really wanted to do, in addition to cutting the cord). Nova looked for a few seconds and then got shy, but everyone saw and it was confirmed that my dreams were accurate...it was definitely a boy!! An unnamed boy, at that! He was BIG, 9lbs 14oz to be exact, coated in vernix, with a huge 38cm head full of red hair. My girls both jumped into the tub for a hug and a kiss and a closer look at their new baby brother. Their sheer excitement and the love that flowed out of each person in the room that night was so thick it could have been palpated.

The next morning as I lay in bed nursing our newborn son, Jesse looked at me and said “What about Indigo River?”, to which I replied “What about Indigo Skye?”. We looked at our son, and then at each other and knew instantly that it was the perfect name, at the perfect time for our little boy.

**This is a montage that my friend/doula Tracey put together for me. There are a couple short clips of me labouring, but nothing gory or loud!**

2008-07-04T00:32:00.002-06:00

It has been beautiful here the last little while...i am *so* thankful for the sunshine!! I seriously thought i was going to go crazy at the beginning of June when it rained and rained and rained...and rained some more. We've been outside as much as possible lately, soaking up the rays and enjoying the outdoors. Too bad we're being eaten alive by mosquitoes! Aggh they are bad this year.

Only 14 more days till South Country Fair!! I lovelovelove this festival. It has become the highlight of our summer, even though we've only been to two so far. We missed the last two years in a row, but we have definite plans to go this year and I am so stoked! This article describes perfectly how I feel about SCF. I.cannot.wait.!

We're also planning on taking a 2 week camping trip through BC! We're going to go to the Robson Valley Music Festival in Dunster, BC for a few days, then camp down to Nelson/Winlaw area and stay for a while longer! My friend R, is due with her second baby right around the time we will be there and we are hoping that baby chooses his/her arrival date around then! We've never done a long camping trip like this before and I am anxiously and exitedly anticipating it all at once.

My brother moved into our basement suite last month and it has been wonderful to have him so far. I have become friends with his girlfriend and I can't even express how much I *love* her! I am happy to be able to get to know her better, and to have my brother around again. It's nice for my children to be able to forge a relationship with thier Uncle Allan. My girls adore his gf and think he's such a cool uncle, with his ability to shove a needle through his septum (he has a hole from an old piercing) and fully sleeve tattoos (amongst others!).

Twelve hours from now and one year ago...I had a brand new 9lb14oz baby boy in my arms. Wow. This year has flown by. Much has changed, and much has stayed the same.

It is late and I didn't accomplish anything that I set out to tonight. I wanted to spend a couple hours on my Holistic Health assignments, but Nova decided she wasn't tired and was up farting around until 11pm! Agghh. Indigo had a nap at 7:30pm for an hour :-/ and was up until 10:45. And now I am tired and should probably hit the sack so I'm not exhausted tomorrow morning when my lovely children will inevitably get me up at the ass crack of dawn despite the late night they had. So much for schoolwork.

You must watch this video!

2008-07-01T21:26:00.002-06:00

This is amazing and so touching...watch it! You won't regret it :)

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Bittersweet symphony

2008-06-23T23:30:00.004-06:00

My baby boy is growing up so fast. Yesterday he started saying "Ba-ba" (bye-bye) and waving. SO cute.
Today he took his first 5 steps towards me! I can't believe that in a few short weeks he is going to be walking around everywhere. What a bittersweet time...it is so exciting to see him grow and develop his beautiful, shining personality; but in the other hand it is SO sad for me to see my sweet little chub turn into a little boy before my eyes. He is my last baby and it is going tooo fast.
In 10 days it will be Indigo's first birthday. Wow...what a year it has been. It is almost surreal to think that a year ago today I was ripe with an almost 10lb baby boy, who was soon to make his debut. It doesn't seem possible, even! And now, here before my eyes, I have this spunky, gorgeous, chubby happy 30lb almost-one-year-old who is starting to talk and walk. Life is beautiful and mysterious and wonderous.
I finally wrote Indigo's birth story last week...it took me almost a full year to do it. That's a record for me, I had both Nova and Faeryn's done within a month or two of their births. I avoided Indigo's for a long while, I'm not entirely sure why. Part of it was procrastination, and part was maybe not wanting to accept that in writing his birth story, it would close a chapter of my life forever. No more pregnancies, labours, births or stories to write. None of my own, at least. And that, is definetely the bittersweet symphony for me. Looking forward, looking back...the days are long but the years sure fly by.

Some pics

2008-05-25T20:52:00.003-06:00

Because my kids are adorable and I can't help myself...

Randomness (because it's what I do best!)

2008-05-25T20:31:00.003-06:00

~ It has been raining for a week and we are all going a little stir crazy. Tomorrow's forecast calls for...rain! Oy. Luckily, Tuesday and Wednesday are supposed to be gorgeous so I am definetely planning on hauling myself and the kids outside to enjoy the lovely weather before it starts raining again on Thursday and Friday. Ugh! i love the rain, but this is a bit much!

~ School is going well for me. I have four classes this semester and I'm really determined to finish them all by September. I've started on English already and my goal this week is to do some research on the history of midwifery. I can't start much on the other two until I get my textbooks from Amazon.ca. They've apparently shipped the books, so now I just wait!

~ We had our food coop sort today. As chaotic and crazy as it is, I really love it as well. There's something about organized chaos that is just deliciously satisfying...especially when you get to take home a bunch of yummy natural and organic foods at the end of it :)

~ I've decided that you're not truly a mother until you've been puked on AND shit on in the same day. This morning Indigo decided to refund all the breastmilk I had so lovingly nursed into him and he yakked all down my back, butt and legs, with a finale of *splash!* onto the floor. Then tonight, I had him on my lap diaperless (not uncommon around here at all), and out of nowhere he squirted liquid poo all over my legs. Niiiice.

~ We're looking into buying an iMac! Jesse's mom can get a discount through some promo that is being offered to her work, so we're checking it out. Our hp pavilion laptop is starting to show signs of biting the dust :-/ It's exciting, but scary too...it means I have to re-learn how to use a computer all over again! I haven't used an Apple computer since junior high.

~ I really need to post more pictures to this blog, eh? Damn my Virgoan tendancies...I have it in my head that I *have* to post process all the pics I take first before blogging them. I really should fire that bitch...lol

~ I started running again recently, but I totally fell off the wagon. I signed up for a Running Room Learn to Run clinic but I've missed the last three runs due to illness, forgetting and conflict of schedule. Now I think I'm too far behind stamina-wise, but I really should just suck it up, go and take extra walk breaks. A friend is moving back to Calgary in July and is giving me her double jogger...how awesome is that?! That means that I could potentially run with Faery and Indigo in the jogger and Nova on her bike or something this summer. Now *that* would rule.

I love this Sesame Street clip...

2008-05-16T21:46:00.002-06:00

Wow am I ever lame

2008-05-06T20:58:00.002-06:00

I just read my last blog on May 1 and realized I already wrote about my preceptorship stuff. Hahahahhahaha...apparently my memory is that of a gnat!!! Sorry for the de ja vue-ness everyone!

Randomness

2008-05-06T20:37:00.002-06:00

Nova got her ears pierced today! She started asking at about 3.5yo and I told her that she needed to start taking more responsibility for her body first, then we would revisit the idea. When I asked her a few weeks ago about what she wanted for her birthday, she immediately asked if she could get her ears pierced and I said yes. I booked an appointment at Tribal Expression and away we went. We had talked extensively about what it would be like, what would happen, how it might feel etc, so she was pretty prepared for it all. I was prepared to leave with just one ear pierced, though, as I wasn't sure how she was going to feel about the actual pain part of it once it happened.
Well, apparently my girl is tough shit! She didn't even flinch when the needle went in! Her eyes got a little wider but other than that she didn't show any outward sign that it bothered her. She chose blue hoops and is SO thrilled with her new earrings. My baby is five AND she has holes in her ears...*sob* Where did my little 25lb 7 month old chunky redhaired cutie go??

I am kicking ass at school right now and feel really proud of myself for it. I completed Midwife's Assistant last week and I have been quickly completing sections in Medical Terminology. One more section left and then the final and I am done! Woowoo!! I am trying to really motor through stuff as I have 4 courses that need to be finished this semester - History of Midwifery, Holistic Health, Health Skills Lab and Writing for Midwives. I am trying not to be intimidated by the work load and just keep my head down and keep moving forward. The more I complete, the more motivated I am to keep completing assignments. I hope I can keep up this momentum because it sure feels great!

In other exciting school news, I met with my midwives two weeks ago to talk about preceptorship. They are completely willing to take me on after the summer and I am SO thrilled!!! I have a deep respect and love for these two women, and not just because they were my midwives with my pregnancy with Indigo (one of them was also my midwife when I was pregnant with Faery). They are amazing, wholistic, down-to-earth midwives and their philosophy is so in-line with how I envision myself practicing. I will start in September doing one clinic day a week observing prenatal appointments, and I'll be on-call to attend and observe births on weekends. That's all I can hack right now as Indigo is still a bit young to just dump off at a moments notice. I will work up to that as he gets older and more independant of me. I am so excited about this preceptorship and I think it has been very helpful in motivating me to keep going with my courses. It makes me feel like I will actually be a midwife at the end of all this school!

A couple of you have asked me how the sugar battle goes, so I thought i'd update about that too. I totally fell off the wagon quite a while back and have been struggling with getting back on ever since. I've decided to do an elimination diet starting tomorrow...no sugar, wheat or dairy. We are wheat-free and mostly dairy-free in the house already, but I am bad for having both of those things in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I think that they both contribute to my sugar problem and I know that most people are better off without them as front-line players in their diet anyways, so I am going to axe them out. The focus is on nurturing myself more and taking care of myself in a more meaningful way. I have realized that I abuse myself with food and I don't want to do that anymore. I deserve to treat myself and my body like the goddess harbouring temple that it is, and once I make it over the cravings hump I will be okay. I just need to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary. I am dreading the crankyness and cravings, but I just have to get through it day by day and it will get easier as the sun rises each day.

I have a kajillion pictures to share, I'll have to come back and do that another time. They all need resizing and postprocessing first. And i think this post is long enough as it is!! If you made it this far, congratulations :)
Peace~

Holy crap it's been a while...

2008-05-01T02:21:00.003-06:00

Geez, I really suck at this blog thing! I swear every day I *think* about blogging but somehow the hours slip away and I run out of time (or forget lol).

I have kicked ass with school this week...I have written three papers for school in the last three days!! A homebirth safety paper on Monday, a waterbirth research paper on Tuesday, and a book report tonight. 1 and a half sections left and then I am donedonedone this class!! Woohoo baby! It feels amazing to complete and submit assignments and work towards the goal.

Speaking of The Goal...I had breakfast with my midwives last Friday and I start my preceptorship with them in September! I am so stoked about this. I'll be attending one clinic day per week and be on-call for births on the weekends, to start. As Indigo gets older and I can be more flexible, I will do more. Did I mention that I'm stoked?! It makes me feel like I really will be a midwife one day, now...makes it more real or something.

Anyways, time for bed for me...it's 2:30am eep! Tomorrow is a big day...

April 10 1:26am...

2008-04-10T01:26:00.004-06:00

At this very moment three years ago, I was in labour with my spunky, hilarious, kamikaze, beautiful Faeryn. I had woken up around 1am with a tingle in my back...not a contraction, just this *feeling* and I knew that it was the beginning of my labour.
You can read Faeryn's entire birth story here.

I can't believe that she's three. I know that I say this every year about each of my children, but I really mean it!! How can it be three years since she came out of my feet and butt first and forever changed my world? How is that possible? I will admit that Faeryn is a very challenging kid...and I have been told more than once by more that one person that Faeryn is awesome but that "I'm glad I don't have to parent her" lol She keeps me on my toes constantly, is always getting into *something* or eating something or causing some sort of ruckus. She loves to sing, has the best imagination and comes out with some of the most hilarious anecdotes that I've ever heard. She is a firey Aries ram and I don't think I could adore or love her more than I already do. I am so blessed that she chose me as her mama and that I have the honour and priveledge of guiding on her life path.

Faery...I love you all the way to my heart and back again, baby. xxxooo

Some pics to share:

15 hours before she was born

Hours old

14 months

22 months

Last month (almost 3)

One more...too cute to not share!

Please read this article about Champtix/Chantix

2008-03-31T01:21:00.004-06:00

Chantix is the American name for the smoking cessation drug that is called Champtix in Canada. I have heard good things about this drug, until recently when a friend who has been taking it began have very scary hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. Upon some research, she discovered that suicidal thoughts, paranoia, hallucinations, vomiting, and vivid scary dreams are all side effects of the drug. Another friend posted a link to this article about one man's experience with Chantix/Champtix.
Please read it if you are taking it or are considering taking it (or know someone who is!). I am appalled, outraged, and horrified that the FDA would even consider allowing a drug like this one to stay on the market with side effects like this. And people think I am crazy to stay as far away from Western quick-fix drugs like this...

Monday smile :)

2008-03-31T00:03:00.001-06:00

more smiles :)

2008-03-31T00:00:00.001-06:00

One last post...

2008-03-22T00:27:00.002-06:00

I hit "Publish Post" before I was done lol

Meant to mention also that my freaking van got broken into last night! AGH! Jerks. They took a baggie with $150 of donations for a flowering bush that I was collecting for a doula friend/mama I know who gave birth to a stillborn baby 6 weeks ago :( I am so pissed at myself for putting it in my glovebox (I didn't want to forget it...was going to order something today with it) and pissed that someone decided to pick my van out of all the other vehicles that park on my street. I hope the assholes who took it get bit in the ass by the karma bug because that money was for a flowering bush in memory of a dead baby, as well as the tags that were in the baggie with the money that contained words of love and condolence for the baby and her family. Do people not have anything better to do than fuck other people over?? Seriously. It wasn't that long ago that I was one of those punk kids roaming the streets late at night, but I never stole from people. And from a van with THREE freaking carseats in it, for fuck sakes. Oy. I am sad for the loss of the tags mostly...the money can be replaced. But the tags were from several other women who had written words of love, support and shared sadness at the passing of this baby. Those can't be recovered. They can be re-written, of course...but it's just not the same.
*sigh* What the hell has happened to this city.

Spring

2008-03-22T00:03:00.002-06:00

I am so ready for spring!! Even though it was technically the first day of spring yesterday, spring doesn't actually arrive in Calgary until late May. Last year we had snow on May 23! Regardless, it has been warm and spring-like the last few weeks and for that I am grateful. I cannot wait for long days spent outside playing in parks and basking in the beautiful sunshine...breathing in the earth, the scent of the grass, feeling the ground beneath me beat with the lifeblood of summer.

This weekend is bathroom renovation weekend! Jesse and a good friend of ours are re-tiling the bathtub areas in both our main upstairs bathroom and the basement suite bathroom. Today consisted of a lot of tile removal (holy crap was that LOUD), re-plumbing, replacing mouldy/mildewy (not sure which) drywall behind the tiles and applying some new tiles to the downstairs bathroom. Tomorrow brings more tiling and then grouting! I was kind of pissed that Jesse and his friend picked this weekend to do the reno, but now I am kind of happy that it ended up this weekend. Surprisingly, Jesse has both today and Monday off (his work usually does not observe holidays other than Easter and federal stat holidays) so this is kind of a perfect weekend to be doing this. Four whole days to make sure the job is done and done right. Today it meant that I ended up occupying 5 children aged 5 and under, one of whom is severely mentally handicapped, but it wasn't so bad. I am currently drowning my residual stress in several bottles of Corona ;) Tomorrow we will hang out for part of the morning, then me and my kids are headed to a birthday party in the afternoon which should be a nice change of scenery. Hopefully by the time we return home all the re-tiling will be finished! I am excited to see how it looks when all is said and done. All this home reno business is a pain in the ass, but also really fun and exciting too.

Speaking of Coronas...man do I have a need for some drinking and DANCING lately. I cannot believe how much I am dying to just drink and dance the night away. I don't do it often, but every few months or so I just NEED to dance it off. I don't really get why, as I am quite happy in my "mom" life for the most part...but I guess sometimes I just need to act like a 25 year old and get my dance and drink on. My best girl is coming down from Edmonton in 2 weeks and I have every intention of stealing her for a night, leaving Jesse with the kids and a bunch of pumped milk (already in the freezer!) and dancing my ass off.

My resolution to not eat sugar today totally failed...I ended up with a lot of chocolate in me...dammit. Today was a bad choice for starting, honestly...I forgot that I was going to have my three plus two more (who are parented *very* differently and are full of sugar and piss and vinegar most of the time). Stress got the best of me and I caved and bought some chocolate and scarfed it back. Gah. I WILL do better tomorrow.

thud

2008-03-20T22:25:00.002-06:00

...that would be the sound of my ass falling off the "healthy eating, no sugar" wagon. ARGH! why is this so difficult for me?! It's pathetic and frustrating.
Tomorrow, tomorrow...new start again. I slipped back into my old ways gradually over the last week or so. Bad bad bad. It started with me ending my focus on eating a protein-rich breakfast and ends with me eating ice cream for breakfast this morning. Yuck!
I post fat pics of myself on a board I go to and I was thoroughly disgusted looking at my naked self like that. The camera certainly doesn't lie. I know I am not in the worst shape ever, but I certainly can do better! And, moreover, I want to stop this cycle of binging/deprivation/binging and self-hatred. I have hated my body since I was a young kid and I don't want to feel that way towards myself anymore.

Tomorrow...no sugar, more outside movement, more water. I can do it.

2008-03-18T01:45:00.001-06:00

This Body of Mine by Angela Allyn

This body of mine is not the body I really wanted.
This skinshell is not the stuff of dreams
But it does the job.
Three other people have lived here
A House they were renting
While their own place was built
And we are still having
“Ownership Issues.”
Squatters forget they don’t own the place.

This body never got to be the body I envisioned—
Always more than I liked and less than I wanted
It would have been good to have been 5’8 with smaller breasts
That wouldn’t bounce then sag when I ran.
And the great bowl of my pelvis assured I would never have
A boyish dancer’s body.

But in the end, the shell moves forward
Attempting to overcome any functional flaws.
The lack of a deep plié, a dearth of turn-out,
Completely pitiful extensions, and too long of a waist to grace a leotard—
How I manage to have a decade-long career as a professional dancer
With this jalopy of a carcass is a bloody miracle.

So I point my wagon down the long road of aging
Where the parts begin to fail.
My scars are chapter headings as questionable pieces are removed
For further study.
So far, none of my cellular improvisations has proved dangerous,
But it does put you on the lookout for unruly growth.

And I watch time passing in my structure
In my skin.

schoolschoolschoolschoolschool

2008-03-18T01:08:00.002-06:00

I don't know what has clicked for me this week, but I have been kicking ass with my schoolwork. I've finished 4 sections plus half of a fifth section in Midwife's Assistant since Friday! And I've almost completed the prenatal terminology section in Medical Terminology. It feels awesome to be back in the swing of things after having stagnated for several weeks.

Eating today was horrible! I have slipped out of my resolve a bit lately and I need to jump back on the bandwagon!

I got another email from a former client who is pregnant with her second baby. She's due in June and I think I will probably take her because I just.can't.resist :P I have a soft spot for former clients, what can I say lol

Oh oh...little man is rustling, gotta run for now...

this child will be the death of me

2008-03-14T18:38:00.002-06:00

in 10 minutes today faeryn managed to completely flood our bathroom with all the water in the bathtub (that she had been bathing in) and then while I was cleaning that up she decided to climb the counter, reach the top shelf of the kitchen cupboards and eat a bunch of fish oils. AHHHH!!! Calgon take me away!

Saskatchewan announces funded midwifery!

2008-03-13T00:57:00.001-06:00

http://gov.sk.ca/news?newsId=0a2b462a-c02c-4f62-a3f7-cf0848c0b1b3

Now if only Alberta would get on the bandwagon...

Still got it :)

2008-03-09T00:28:00.002-07:00

I had the pleasure and honour of attending the birth of a beautiful baby girl this afternoon :) The mama had a 3 hour labour once things got going and she did so amazing! I was a little nervous as this is the first doula birth I've done since Indigo was born 8 months ago and I was worrying that I had lost my touch. Of course I was worrying needlessly and all went smoothly.

I did not do so well in the eating department today...forgot to eat breakfast and then got called to the birth at 2pm so I ate a protein bar and a Lunchables turkey/cheese/cracker thing from a convenience store just to get some food into me so I wouldn't crap out at the birth. After the birth I ate a Vel bar (that sesame/nut/fruit bar) and some dried apricots. On my way home I got starving, of course, and ended up stopping at A&W for a teen burger. Oh ya, good choice there huh *roll eyes*. My justification was/is that I had not eaten enough calories that day so I was making up for them in one small burger lol Oh well. Tomorrow is another day!

Been a few days...

2008-03-06T21:28:00.002-07:00

I have been busy the last few days and nights and haven't gotten the chance to come and update. I had a piece of paper where I was faithfully writing down what I had eaten, but said piece of paper has been eaten by my house or something...I cannot find it for the life of me! I slacked off a bit on eating lots and probably didn't eat enough in the past 3 days or so, but I have been very very good to myself and have stayed away from sweets and junk. I am proud and I feel really good about it. The hell-week-sugar-detox is over and I am not feeling like a slave to sugar anymore...that was the whole point of this so I am very glad I persevered.
Today's noshing:
Breakfast - Morning Medley hot cereal (rolled oats, rye flakes, barley flakes, flax seeds and sunflower seeds...SO yummy. 1.5kg bag at Costco for $8...yeah baby!) made with almond milk and topped with frozen raspberries. YUM! A 1/2 cup serving of this oatmeal has 9g of protein in it, and that's when it's just made with water. I've discovered that lots and lots of water (at least 2-3 big glasses) and protein in the morning are very important for me. The addition of those two things seems to make it a better day for me mood-wise. (I am so rolling my eyes at myself, too...I've known all this stuff for ages and given this advice to friends and relatives. Way to take your own advice there, Crystal lol)
Lunch - a romaine heart with a few Lundberg seaweed rice chips crumbled in and some caesar dressing. (Damn you Michelle...you've ruined me for life haha)
Afternoon snack - a Vel fruit and nut bar. Yes yes they are still technically processed food...but it's freakin seeds and nuts with a few raisins and apricots so they aren't all evil! Good fast protien that I can eat with one hand. all natural with no junk either, and very tasty! Again, good old Costco...a box of 24 cost me $14.
Dinner - sweet basil italian sausages served on spelt buns with mixed greens on the side.

I meant to make a lentil-kale-brown rice casserole for dinner, but the day got away from me and I wasnt prepared for it so we'll have it tomorrow for dinner.

I bought some diapers today! Squee! Yes, I am fully aware that I am *so* pathetic. Heh. I had been using the bumGenius 2.0 diapers at nighttime and out of the house with Indigo (they keep him dry and absorb more so he's not sitting in a wet fitted and I'm not changing him every 20 minutes) but my chunkalicious little boy started to pop the velcro tabs open with his rolls! Subsequently, I woke up in a pee puddle more than once recently and I decided I really hate that. Ick. Nothing like waking up to being pissed on. Lovely. So I sold them to a friend whose sister is having a baby, and today I bought myself 12 FuzziBunz pocket diapers. I had them with both Nova and Faeryn and loved them so I know there won't be any issues this time around as well. I got 4 white, 2 baby blue , 2 sage green, 2 butter yellow and 2 lavender . They are sitting all warm and fluffy in my dryer right now!
In other poop and pee news, ECing is going pretty well with Indigo. I have gotten fairly adept at catching pees and if I am on the ball and home all day I can go the entire day without using a single diaper! There are definetely misses and sometimes pee gets on the carpet (or me!), but for the most part it is not so bad. He's so funny...somehow he's associated the "pss" sound to mean STOP PEEING if he's not sitting on his little potty...that sure is a handy feature! I can't count how many times I have been sitting and he's started to pee and all i have to do is exclaim "oh!! pss!!" and he stops until I set him down on the potty. Works for me!

I really need to get cracking on the schoolwork...I have three courses that need to be finished by May 1 and one of them I haven't even started yet! Eek! It is feeling very overwhelming at the moment but I know that once I just get started it won't be so bad. I feel like I havent had time for school much in the last few weeks. Between the doula association dramatics (oy vey), family, house obligations, being on call for a client due on the 16th and a very needy friend who just left an abusive relationship, I feel like I am stretched awfully thin! This week can't possibly be more full than last week so I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Really, i just need to sit down and crack the books, but sometimes even that is hard to get motivated to do!

I got an invitation to a very good childhood friend's wedding yesterday. I am actually the maid of honour (am I a matron by default by having kids even if I'm not married?) and I really need to find an appropriate dress. Agh! I am so not a dress person. the colours I have to work with are butter yellow, lilac purple or spring green. nice. And by nice I mean SHIT. So not only do I need to find a dress that I like, is flattering to my body shape and easy to nurse in, I have to find one in Easter egg colours. Seeing as how I am such a girlie-girl and loooove dresses, I'm sure I will have no trouble at all finding something within that criteria (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?).

2008-03-06T21:27:00.002-07:00

http://theshapeofamother.com/2008/03/i-am-a-mother-anonymous.php

I absolutely love this entry in the SOAM today. Love it. One day I will get the guts and the gumption to submit pictures and something inspirational and self-loving too. I'm workin' on it...

For Kasey

2008-03-01T21:20:00.001-07:00

In memory of Kasey Heger, the beautiful little girl of my friend Kelly who was taken from us far too soon.

Quite possibly the world's stupidest question

2008-03-01T00:48:00.002-07:00

(click to read -->)

Excuse me while I go bang my head against the wall...

2008-02-29T20:58:00.002-07:00

Today was absolutely lovely. It was mild out and it was SO nice to get outside and breathe in the fresh air and sunshine. Weather like this makes me yearn for spring and summertime. We will surely get more snow before it is officially spring (and there's always the possibility of having snow even after it is "officially" spring) but it sure was nice to play "faux spring" for a while this afternoon.

I am feeling really really good today. I don't know if it's from being outside all day, or from me not eating garbage, or because I have been taking my supplements and drinking more water, or something else (probably a combination of everything), but I feel really positive and calm and happy today.

What I ate today:

Breakfast - applesauce and a half-eaten apple a la Faeryn
Mid-morning snack - uhhhh...shit I forget. I ate something though!
Lunch - leftover curried veggies and brown rice
Afternoon snack - apple, veggies and hummous
Dinner - romaine hearts with caesar dressing and rice chips, homemade brown rice pudding (sweetened with a little maple syrup and some raisins)

Every day this no-sugar thing gets easier. Today I didn't crave anything, actually, which is nice. It's just more uphill from here...once I hit that 7 day mark it will be even more easy to deal with and the longer I stay away, the less I am inclined to eat junk at all. Such a simple simple concept, but following through is hard sometimes. I am feeling proud of myself today, and that may seem pathetic to some people, but I don't care. Small victories and all that, you know?

Alfie Kohn last night was great. I have read his book "Unconditional Parenting" and seen the DVD, but it was refreshing to be there watching him in person. It was also a very timely lecture for me...my girls have been awfully challenging lately and this week has been particularily hard. Lots of sibling warfare going on and I tend to get sucked into the emotional aspect and react emotionally instead of staying slightly detached and being a calm, rational thinker. It was good for me to sit and listen to Alfie reaffirm for me *why* I don't want to scream, yell, do time-outs and generally disrespect my children by banishing them "because I said so". It's good to step outside of my own head for a while and listen to someone else reiterate all the things I *know* but might not be using, you know what I mean?

One week from today marks me and Jesse's SEVENTH anniversary. 7 years. Holy crapola. In some ways I can't believe it's been that long, and in others I definetely feel it. Hehe. It's weird to think that we've been together for so long, but even weirder to think that we have so many more years ahead of us. Long term relationships are a trip.

It's 9:30pm...I really should clean up my kitchen and living room. Both rooms look like they vomited all over themselves. G'night!

2008-02-29T10:29:00.003-07:00

I was lame and fell asleep on the couch last night after I went to see Alfie Kohn speak, so I didn't get around to posting. I only have a second, but I want to post what I ate yesterday before I forget lol

Breakfast - two bowls of millet rice oatbran with almond milk
Mid-morning snack - my beautiful friend Michelle made me a snack of manna bread with coconut butter, havarti cheese slices and blackberries. You're too sweet, M :)
Lunch - veggies with hummous
Afternoon snack (see?! I'm trying to make an effort to eat more!) - Hippie Bar, half eaten apple of Faeryn's
Dinner - Coconut curried veggies (kale, carrots, potatoes, onions, cauliflower, garlic) served over brown rice
I was starving when I got home from Alfie Kohn so I chopped up a romaine lettuce heart and ate that with a bit of caesar dressing and some rice chips sprinkled in.

Alfie Kohn was awesome and I have lots to say but we are off to Prince's Island Park/Eau Claire this afternoon to play in the lovely mild (and muddy!) weather. My kids are going to get so dirty...we had a big dump of snow yesterday that promptly melted into slushy goodness.

2008-02-27T23:44:00.002-07:00

It was a good day today. No headaches, so hooray for that. We went over to a good friend's house today and spent the day playing, which also included a walk through the 12 Mile Coulee natural park and a play at a playground! I drank lots of water today too. I forget how good I feel when I drink lots of water. Such simple things make such a huge difference.

What I ate:
breakfast - Millet Rice Oatbran with almond milk and sliced banana
mid-morning snack - Clif Peanut Toffee Buzz protien bar
lunch - hummous and veggies, a handful of rice chips
dinner - banana almond oatmeal with flax and sunflower seeds (apparently I'm having a banana-almond kinda day lol)
snack - a few slices of cheese, a couple slices of pickled beets (mmmmm)

I am fully aware that the protien bar today and the Skookum seed bar yesterday do have some sugar in them (brown rice syrup and evaporated cane juice), but it's a hell of a lot better than chocolate bars and ice cream. I am a big believer that natural sugars like brown rice syrup and other unrefined sugars are metabolized and utilized a lot more efficiently than refined white sugars. I should see if I can't make some sort of protien-y, seed bar for myself. I know I can, it just means finding a recipe and tweaking it...you know, in my spare time and all ;)

I really need to get cracking back at the books...I seem to have taken a hiatus the last few weeks with the exception of finishing a section in medical terminology. This May I will have been enrolled at MCU for 1 year and I should really have more to show for it than just Biology! Lucky for me, a good friend's Major Map is almost the same as mine and we're kind of working together on things. It sure makes this distance thing a lot easier, knowing that i'm not all alone or sooo behind everyone else I know doing the same program.

Last week we had an interview at the school that Nova may be going to next year. We had originally intended to unschool, but Nova feels very strongly about going to school and having that experience (and has told me as much in similar terms) so we decided to apply to the Calgary Waldorf School. I love the classroom and the philosophy and they seemed to love us. Now we just have to wait to hear. I have no idea what I will do if we don't get accepted, but I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes.

All three of my kids have gotten up now...I guess that's my cue to go to bed.

Linky dinky doo

2008-02-26T23:44:00.003-07:00

Today went well for me. I managed to stay away from garbage sugars, take my supps, drink water and go outside with my kids! Woowoo for me :)
What I ate today:

No breakfast (I really intended on it but we got busy and I forgot!)
Mid-morning snack - a Skookum Bar
Lunch - almond butter and banana sandwich on spelt bread
Dinner - leftover Chicken Cacciatore and brown rice

Looking at this list, I realize that this is probably not enough food for a woman who is nursing two children full time. Hm. I'll have to work on that part, I guess. Good old me...from one extreme to the other. *sigh* I am starving at the moment so I think I may grab a handful of rice chips and eat a bit of the stellar onion dip that I made a couple days ago for a blessingway I held.

I have a killer headache tonight, but that is to be expected from the lack of sugar. Damn addictions. No amount of water, lavender or peppermint is getting rid of it either.

I went down to a friend's store today to buy a couple wet bags for my diaper bag. Up until now I have always just used old plastic grocery bags, but I am trying to cut plastic grocery bags out of my life completely and this was the last step. I also got a really cute pair of Baby Legs for Indigo. A friend had gotten me an orange pair despite my insistence that $18 is too much for leggings for a baby, but I have to admit that I love them. They're great for kickin' around the house in a diaper when you need something on their legs but don't want to screw around with taking pants on and off for diaper changes. I've recently started EC with Indigo so the Baby Legs come in extra handy with him having a nakey butt a lot of the time!

Why the hell am I doing EC, you ask? Well, 5 years ago I bought 24 Mother-ease fitted diapers and tie dyed them. I have had others in my stash over the years, but the ME dipes stayed as my tried and true workhorse dipes. They are now on their last legs, having been used for 5 years straight and by three kids. They are literally see-through in spots and I don't wanna buy more diapers! Ok, correction...I would love to buy more diapers but cannot justify the money. Indigo is my last baby (*sob!*) and I just can't see spending more money on diapers (or switching to disposables) once these diapers start tearing. So, to reduce the wear and tear on the diapers and hopefully prolong their life until Indigo learns to use the potty full time, we shall EC! I've been doing it for about 3 weeks now and it's actually not hard at all. I am getting pretty good at catching pees and poops...the key is paying attention ;)

That's it for tonight...I am hungry and if I'm going to eat something it has to be now before any children wake up and need snuggling! I think this is the linkyest post I've ever posted...yay me! lol

Turning over a new leaf

2008-02-25T23:13:00.002-07:00

So if you read my blog, you know that I have an extreme love-hate relationship with my body and sugar. I am determined to change this, as things have deteriorated to a really really low level and there have been days recently where all I have eaten was packaged sugar garbage. Which, in turn, makes me feel like a disgusting sack of shit and so ashamed. I am not 300lbs yet, but if I keep going at this rate, I sure will be.
I've decided that, once and for all, I need to get ahold of this binge eating of mine before it tailspins out of control. I feel like I'm on the brink and I can either choose to turn around and go back and get healthy and start on a path of loving myself, or just continue on the self-destructive path that I've carved and make myself sick and fat and hate myself even more. I don't want to hide my eating anymore...not from my children and not from my partner. It feels so bad to do it and I hate that sneaky yucky feeling.

I know me, and I know that I am not one of these people who can be satisfied with just one piece of really good quality chocolate every day. I wish I was...I think it would make this whole process a heck of a lot easier for me. No, I am an all or nothing kinda gal. I can't eat just one piece...it has to be the entire bar. Or two or three. It shames me SO much to be posting this, especially knowing that people in my "real life" read this blog and will look at me and know this about me. But, I think it will be good for keeping myself accountable as well. I have to convince myself that the people who read and love me, will still read and still love me even after reading this.

All this started after reading a quote on another blog that went something to the effect of:
"Be the kind of woman you want your daughters to become"
Something clicked there for me. I don't want me daughters (or my son, for that matter) to loathe themselves the way I loathe myself. I want them to look at themselves and feel love and adoration...not disgust and disapppointment. I am tired of looking at myself every day, and instead of seeing a beautiful womanly body that has grown and nourished three perfect little human beings...I see nothing but all the things I hate about myself. My flabby soft belly, my fat thighs, the wiggly jiggly arms, my dimply butt. I need to fall in love with me...not the me I want to be, but the me that I am NOW. It's okay to want to improve on things, but I need to love the me I am now because that's who I am at this very moment in time. And I will probably never be a perfectly cut, gorgeously curvy size 5 woman...but I don't want to be either. I just want to break this cycle of self-hatred and embrace my body for what it is. I am a totally awesome woman on the inside and I need to feel that outside for myself as well.

Tomorrow is a new day, and with it brings a brand new perspective and a fresh start. Tomorrow is the start of a serious 6 week elimination diet of sugar and any other processed things that may have made their way into my body. Tomorrow I start feeding myself again the way I feed my children and the way I know I feel better eating. The goals will be small but attainable.
~Drink lots of water.
~Take my supplements.
~No sugar. Ignore that stupid voice at the back of your head that says you need it and makes you feel like you really do...you don't. You can say no and absolutely nothing bad will happen. The first week is the hardest, but after that it really does get SO much easier. Remind yourself EVERY DAY of this.
~Go outside everyday with my kids for at least 30 minutes. I have sort of hermited myself lately and it's bringin me down.

That's it for now. I am going to start a food diary that I will try my hardest to update everyday so it keeps me accountable. I'd love it if you all would keep me accountable too...check in with me, ask me point blank how it's going...make me be honest with you and myself.

Thanks for reading. <3

Yes, I know...I suck at blogging...

2008-02-25T22:56:00.002-07:00

What can I say...I really suck at this blogging business. I get on a roll for a while, but I always end up leaving it at the end of my "To Do" list. I think about blogging an awful lot, but actually sitting down and writing is a whole other story. So sorry to all you readers out there in BlogLand...I'm sure this is probably why I have very little traffic on my lil old blog!

Life is chaotic and beautiful all at once around here. My kids are growing like weeds...in a few short months I will have 5 and 3 year old daughters! Indigo is now 7.5 months old and is pulling up on EVERYTHING. His favourite thing to do is to stand behind me while I am standing at the counter making dinner and pull himself up on my pants. Only problem is that usually my pants fall down in the process of him standing up! He's got two teeth and has just started solids (he had a very brief stint about a month and a half ago but he decided quickly that it wasn't as good as he thought it looked lol). He had spinach tonight for the first time and LOVED it. Hooray for babies who love green food :)

Midwifery school is going well...slowly as per usual but well! I got my final mark for that damn Biology course a couple weeks ago and I got an A-!! I am very very proud of that considering the hell of a time I had with that course. I got 100% on my final exam!! Woowoo for me!! I'm working on three courses at the moment; Medical tTerminology, History of Midwifery and Midwife's Assistant. All three need to be completed by May so I need to get my ass in gear and keep working through the coursework. I have changed my Major Map (timeline of my courses) twice already because I have fallen behind and I am determined to not get any further behind! I want to stick closely to my Major Map so I can just get this done already.

In shocking news...we bought a van. OMG you say. You?! You bought a van?? Yes, unfortunately we did. And I hate to say it, but I love it. I always said I would *never* own a van, no matter how big a family I had, but alas...convenience and practicality overrules ego. We would be fine with my little Saturn were it not for CAMPING. Camping is impossible with such a small car and so many people crammed into it. So, I joined the Minivan Mafia. We bought a 2008 Nissan Quest and it really is pretty funky. It drives like a car, which I really like, and it sure is shiny and purdy! And the space...holy crap. It definetely took some getting used to...it was really weird having all my kids so spread out in the van when I was so used to having them sardined together in the back of my Saturn.

So...anyone wanna buy a great Saturn? ;) I am sad to see my first brand-new car go, but we definetely do not need three vehicles. Jesse has his work truck, I have the van. We had the Kidney Foundation come and pick up the shitbeater Suburban beast of a truck (finally!!! wooowoooooooo!!!!)(Jesse was sad to see that piece of shit go, but I don't miss it one little bit! Can you tell? haha)

In other news...well I guess I don't have any other news right now. None that I can think of at least. Wow, ain't I just the most interesting gal you know?

Earth Hour 2008

2008-02-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

http://www.earthhour.org/

Sign up to become a part of a global movement to conserve energy and make the world a better place :) Over 18 000 people have signed up to date.

You turn off your power for one hour on March 29, 2008 at 8pm and create some change!

The Story of the Zoops

2008-01-19T16:57:00.001-07:00

This is a breastfeeding parable done by the same woman who draws Hathor the Cow Goddess.

Renovation HELL

2008-01-12T10:05:00.001-07:00

So, we started quasi-renoing our place last spring. (side note: why the hell do I feel the need to start all these big ass projects when I am pregnant?! House renos, midwifery school...I am completely nuts) We ripped out our fireplace and had one of Jesse's work associates come over to tape and mud. Well, apparently halfway through the guy decided that he didn't want to do it anymore and he just stopped coming over, stopped returning our calls. He left ALL his mudding tools here. Weird. Ok, so we had a half mudded, half sanded drywall wall for several months. We don;t know anyone else who does drywall mudding, so we decided to just put that on hold and get started on replacing our disgusting tri coloured carpet (baby blue, baby pink and this awful grey/purply colour...ewww!). We went with a company that we'd heard really good things about from some other friends who had used them. I liked them because they were totally okay with pre-ordering the carpet and unrolling it in their warehouse to off-gas so that the carpet wouldn't do the bulk of it's off-gassing in my house. Well, that was a big shitshow too...the day that they were supposed to start they said to expect for them to be there at 9am.
They didn't show up until 3pm. The next day they were supposed to show up at 9am, and they did a little better and showed up at 10:30am. The guy who had come in to do our estimate said that it would take two days for them to do the carpet, one day to rip it all up, and one day to install. So I, with three kids ages 4, 2 and 5 weeks at the time, planned to have our entire family out of the house for those two days. Well, lo and behold, it took them a third day AND then they tell me that they somehow mismeasured and they didn't have enough carpet.
AAGGHH!!! It took 3 weeks for them to order the extra carpet and come to put it in. And the install job leaves something to be desired. We complained and they came back to fix what they could, but the biggest problem is the way they did a cut in the hallway...you can totally see the line and there's nothing they can do about it.
*sigh*
So, fastforward to the Christmas holidays. Jesse has an aquaintance that he did a basement reno on for a mutual friend. We asked this guy (we'll call him S) to come over and give us an estimate for painting most of the interior walls and finishing the fireplace spot. S said that he would give us a great deal ($2200 for 7 rooms plus ceilings, fixing the fireplace spot, filling all holes) and that he would come and do it while we were away in Kelowna for Christmas. Great! Not only do I get to go away and come home to a freshly painted home in the beautiful colours we chose, but I don't have to deal with ANY of it because I won't be here for the work.
Fuck was I wrong.
We came home to the house fully painted, it was great. It was also 10pm and we had just gotten home from one of the worst Christmases EVER so we weren't really paying attention to the details. We paid him and said thank you and he went on his merry way. The next morning we started looking around and the list of problems just got longer and longer. Not only did he not paint the ceilings in two of the rooms, but he snapped off one of the legs on our entertainment stand, he broke our computer desk, there are chunks of roller in the living room wall, he didn't fill half of the holes, and the paint job in our room was shoddy at best. He didn't take off any of the faceplates for the lightswitches or plugs so you can see where he cut around them, and, this is the best part...
HE PAINTED AROUND OUR BED.
I don't know what the hell compelled him to do that...who the fuck paints around the bed???? Our bed is on a plywood box platform, so it's not like it's big and cumbersome or anything. We almost missed that little detail too...we only found it the day we had him coming back to fix some of the other things. Jes was moving stuff around preparing for S to come back and when he moved our bed there it was; a big blue bed-shaped spot where S hadn't painted at all. Fucker. Who the hell cuts around a bed??? SEriously?! Geesh.
What's sick is this guy is a professional painter and he's doing a job over at the Glenbow Museum right now. The poor suckers at the Glenbow. Oy.
We're still not finished with this guy, either...he has made and cancelled 3 appointments to come over and finish the ceilings and painting over the fill holes. He's supposed to come on Sunday at 10am, but I'll believe it when I see his face on my doorstep.

Wheee! Now all we have left is replace ALL the windows in the house, replace the lino in the kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room, get new baseboards and trim installed, replace the frames to the doors and closets, replace the doors. I'm missing something but I can't remember what at the moment.
Shoot me now. What the frack were we thinking????

Japanese Toilet Training for Kids (English Subtitled)

2008-01-09T01:22:00.001-07:00

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree...

2007-12-22T01:20:00.000-07:00

We are headed to Kelowna tomorrow until the 28th so we decided not to get a tree this year. Instead, we made our own! It's amazing what some green bristol board, construction paper, tape, markers and hemp string can do ;)
This a tradition we have carried out a couple times now. It started one year when Jesse and I were really really broke and couldn't afford a tree until the 23rd of December. FYI, tree lots are non-existant on the 23rd! We were so heartbroken, especially since we have another tradition of having close friends over on Christmas Eve to decorate and share in the seasonal love. We decided to construct our own and each friend drew an ornament to tape to the tree. I still think it's the coolest damn thing ever, and I was so happy to share this tradition with my kids.

Dontcha just love the chorus of ponies revelling in the beauty at the base of the tree?!

Texture board

2007-12-22T00:53:00.000-07:00

I made this texture board for my friend's 4.5 year old daughter. She has Septo-Optic Dysplasia(SOD) and along with SOD goes autism and sensory integration dysfunction(SID). Tactile boards like this help people with SID to process and integrate sensory experiences. This little girl has stolen my heart in a big way and I cried for half the time I made this board (out of love, not sadness!) I am so proud of how it turned out and I can't wait to give it to her! It was so easy to make. I took an old table leaf we had kickin' around and used WeldBond Glue to glue on carpet samples, a tile, a fleece square, polished rocks, tassles, rubber shelf liner, and strings of beads (the bead strings got screwed on). The carpet samples, polished rocks and fleece all cost me nothing. The tile was $0.29, the shelf liner was $6.97 (for the whole roll...I only used a little of it), the beads were $9.98 for two 12oz tubs and the tassles were $3. Oh, and the shoelace I used for the beads was $2.88. So the entire thing, with tax, cost me $24.51! It took me 1.5 hours from start to finish.

picture post!

2007-12-16T01:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted pics in quite a while and I thought it was high time I did. Most of these are SOOC (straight out of the camera) so please excuse any blurriness or off-colourness. I'm too lazy tonight to do post-processing.
And, I know that I am a little biased...but DAMN my kids are adorable! Hehehe!

Just a rambly update post

2007-12-13T19:06:00.001-07:00

The weather has been so beautiful here lately, which is a welcome change after the freezing cold weather we had in November. I can't even express how happy I am to be able to take my kids outside to run around. I'm sure my tenant who lives in the basement is equally happy that I can take my kids outside to run and jump and be orangutans.
We went to the Zoo on Tuesday with a couple friends from our homeschooling group and it was SO lovely. We didn't actually see any animals, though...we spent all our time playing on this big hay pile and in a maze that they have set up for ZooLights. Oh well, that's the beauty of passes to the zoo!

I am *thisclose* to being finished Biology100!!!!! Holy fuck I can't wait. I will soon be done with this course and I'll never have to do it ever again! Woowoo! My final exam is on Sunday. I took my midterm about 3 weeks ago but it still hasn't been graded. The paranoid side of me is scared that it got lost in the mail on it's way to Utah...I think I might die if that's the case. I have no idea what my school will even do if it gets lost....guess I should check that out.

My goal to get Midwives Assistant and Medical Terminology finished by the end of December was a pretty lofty one...I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen. I'm still going to try, but I think that a goal of finishing them by the end of January might be more feasible. That puts me slightly off-track of my major map, but c'est la vie. Full time school with 3 kids, a gibbled partner and life in general is just a little bit (ok a LOT) insane lol

Speaking of thisclose...I'm almost done my Christmas shopping. I have a couple more people to get small things for, but other than that I am done like dinner. hooray for that! We're going to have a Yule/Solstice celebration on the 21st before we leave on the 22nd to Kelowna. I am so happy Jesse finally agreed to do that...he wanted to cart all our family gifts to Kelowna to open on Christmas Day, then cart them back home. Uh, no thank you!

I suppose I should get off the net, put this boy sleeping in my arms to bed and crack the books...

Crunch Master 4000

2007-12-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun little quiz that's right up my alley. I scored 195...apparently that makes me crunchier than Grape Nuts. LOL

How Crunchy Are You?

What'd you score?

G

2007-12-11T01:29:00.000-07:00

G is for gardening. I wish I was better at gardening...I mostly suck at it, though. I am really good at keeping people alive, but plants are another story. I have this lofty dream of one day having a beautiful, bountiful organic garden full of delicious vegetables. Before I attain that, I think I need to be able to keep a cactus alive first.

G is for glasses. I've worn glasses since I was 8...thanks to my father for passing along his shitty eyesight lol I don't wear my glasses often anymore, I prefer my contacts because my glasses make my eyes all small looking.

G is for Gramma. My Gramma passed away 7 years ago and I miss her so. She was a bit overbearing and a bit delusional (she liked to embellish the truth sometimes) but she was so loving and accepting and absolutely wonderful. I miss her immensely and wish that she could see me now and meet my children. I know she would love them so much. Some of my fondest memories as a child are of baking raisin scones from scratch with her.

G is for goodnight! It's 1:36am...time for bed!

F

2007-12-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

F is for Faeryn, my middle child! Her name means "from the faeries". She is my spit-fire, spunky, lovey-dovey kamikaze kid. My favourite word of hers right now is "toefood" (for tofu lol)...there is something hilarious about that word to me! Faeryn has taught me SO much about myself as a mother and as a woman, starting with my pregnancy with her and her birth. I am so in love with this kid. She tries my patience to the max and makes me crazy most days, but I wouldn't trade her for the world.

F is for Facebook. I don't think I mentioned it here, but I caved a couple months ago and actually signed up for the damn thing. I'm definetely not a facecrack addict like some people I know, but it has been interesting to catch up with people I haven't seen in many years!!

F is for f-stop. What a photography dork I am hehe! I love taking pictures and I love playing with my camera...I have learned SO much about full manual photography since getting my digi last year. My favourite f-stop on my cam (a Canon Rebel XTi) is 8.0.

F is for ferris wheel. I love the ferris wheel at carnivals. It's about the only ride I will go on. I'm a ride-wimp, what can I say?!

E

2007-12-04T00:21:00.000-07:00

E is for eggplant, a veggie I learned to love. Many years ago I attempted making some dish with eggplant and it was nothing short of revolting. I decided that the eggplant deserved a do-over and I can now make a killer ratatouille. Yum :)

E is for eggs. One of my favourite things to eat. Eggs benedict...droooooooooool. It is not uncommon for me to be spotted eating fresh herb salad greens with a couple hardboiled eggs cut up over top, topped with balsamic vinegrette. I have been known to eat this as breakfast, lunch or dinner!

E is for El Paso...I hope to go there to catch babies sometime in the next year or so!

D

2007-12-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

D is for daughters. I always wanted to have daughters of my own and I have been blessed with two beautiful, spunky, amazing daughters. They light up my life and make me want to be a better woman.

D is for doula. I've been a doula for 6 years! It all started when my friend C got pregnant. She asked me to be her labour coach since she was alone. Her mom teased me sometimes that I should be a doula because she had a friend who had been a doula. Then, when C went into labour, her nurses told me that I was really good at labour support and that I should look into becoming a doula. The last straw was while watching the Breakfast Show on TV. They had the local doula group on talking about doulas and I decided that it had knocked three times so I *had* to check it out. I called the TV station and got the contact info for the women doing the interview and the rest, as they say, is history :)

D is for daisies, my favourite flower! Gerbera daisies are my absolute fave, but any daisy will do, really. I love the simplicity of the plain old white petal'd, yellow centred daisies. I especially love that they grow all up and down the alley behind my house...beauty amongst the garbage bins.

This was eerily accurate...

2007-11-23T23:11:00.001-07:00

You Are Pumpkin Pie

You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality.
You're able to relate to many types of people with many different tastes.
But you're by no means generic or ordinary.
In fact, you're one of the most original people around.

Those who like you are looking for something (someone!) special.
You tend confuse people when they first meet you. You're not as complicated as you seem.
Even though you have a lot of spice and flavor to you, you're never overpowering.
You are a calm and comforting force in people's lives.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

2007-11-23T23:06:00.000-07:00

This is, quite possibly, the best commercial I have ever seen.
Human Hourglass

(The French at the end reads:
"Every 10 seconds, someone in the world dies of AIDS.
Protect yourself.")

Is this a little weird or is it just me?

2007-11-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

How does the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in NYC not give small children nightmares?? It looks like the balloons are descending upon the crowds, preparing to devour them whole!
Looook at the expression on Sponge Bob...eyes bugging out of his head at the mere thought of the tasty snacks he is about to ingest.

And the people in this picture! They look like they are fleeing for their lives

There was a Shrek balloon too that was equally frightening. I mean, I get the "wow look at that huge cartoon character balloon! Isn't it cool how we waste all this money on something so superfluous?! Mine's bigger than yours, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah". But to have them belly down like that, and so close to the spectators...it just looks so wrong.

C

2007-11-18T00:48:00.001-07:00

C is for Crystal-Anne, my full name. My parents had "first baby long name syndrome" lol The only people who call me Crystal-Anne are my mother, her husband, my brother and my aunties. Everyone else knows me as Crystal, and I like that just fine.

C is for Calgary. I have lived in Calgary my entire life. Heck, I've lived in the same 2 kilometres of the same neighbourhood my entire life. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I think that it's sad. I love it because I get to take my kids to the playgrounds that *I* played in as a child. Sad because I wonder sometimes if I missing out by staying in such housing homeostasis my whole life.

C is for co-sleeping. We have always co-slept with our kids. I was given a crib when I was pregnant with Nova but it only ever got used by my best friend's son when he was here and needed a nap. I love co-sleeping...I love having my babies so close to me and the ease of nighttime nursing that goes hand in hand with co-sleeping. Co-sleeping with babies...love it. Co-sleeping with 2 and 4 year olds who sleep sideways and hog the blankets...not so much hehe

Late Halloween pics

2007-11-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

The girls wouldn't let me take pictures of them in their non-Halloween garb (they ended up dressing up with their friend's dress up clothes for their first trick-or-treating ever lol) but Indigo isn't old enough to evade my camera yet...so....
This is the outfit that each of my three has worn on their first Halloween. I can barely stand the cuteness!!!!

C is for crazy...

2007-10-28T22:51:00.001-06:00

Crazy busy, that is! Heh, actually this is not the next installment of the alphabetical encyclopedia of me, I just wanted to check in and let you know that I'm just really really busy right now but will come back to actually post with pictures very soon!! Jesse had his surgery on Friday morning and it went well, but adjusting to being mama to 3 AND having a completely dependent partner is making my life awfully full at the moment. I think it would be easier if he just wasn't here at all, I find it frustrating at times to be juggling doing everything while he sits on the couch. Obviously that's the best thing for him to be doing right now, but it's just a strange thing to get used to. I guess I've been spoiled with having a very involved, helpful partner so I'm just having to readjust a bit!

Anyways, I already know what i'm doing for C but I want to take pictures so it will have to wait :)

B

2007-10-22T01:07:00.000-06:00

B is for butterflies. We raised Painted Lady butterflies last month, it was SO cool! I did this as a kid in elementary school so I felt very nostalgic about it, but it was so cool to have my kids experience it and to experience it through their eyes with my memories (if that makes sense lol).

B is for breastfeeding. I have been breastfeeding for 4 years 5 months and 21 days! Right now I am nursing both Faeryn and Indigo...Nova weaned when she was 3 1/2. I really truly love it...sure it has its moments, but I love it all the way to my heart and back again. (That, by the way, is a really cute little phrase that Nova started saying to me when she was two...now it's our special family "I love you"). Indigo loves to nurse and often he tries to fit his finger or thumb in too!

B is for books. I love reading and I love books. So does Jesse. Two booklovers in a house means TOO MANY BOOKS! We have three bookcases packed full of books...one entirely of children's books! This is whittled down for us, too...we used to have a ton more but finally bit the buller and donated a bunch recently.

B is for birth. I have always had a fascination with pregnancy and birth...I remember playing "Labour" as a kid and pushing a baby out on my friend's driveway when I was 6 or 7. hehehehe I am passionate about birth and I cannot wait to be a midwife!

Top 10 Disgusting Things Faeryn Eats

2007-10-13T10:06:00.001-06:00

(I got this idea from my friend who writes mooglyblog. Wow I'm just a total idea stealer lately eh?)

10. Playdough

9. Crayons

8. Marker tips

7. Pencil crayons

6. Cardboard

5. Floss

4. Toilet paper

3. Toothpaste

2. Anything off the floor, even if it's not edible

1. Emptied Vitamin E capsules from the garbage

I'm not sure if this kid is deficient in something or what, but she seriously mouths pretty much everything. It's nastacularly gross.

A is for...

2007-10-13T10:01:00.000-06:00

A is for Allan, my brother. He and I have always had an interesting relationship...I know a lot about him and we have a strong connection, but we don't talk to each other often. I know so much about him that my mother does not. We have always covered for each other ;) He lives in BC now and I miss him a lot.

A is for apples! I have a bajillion organic apples sitting in bags on my kitchen floor at the moment. I am planning on making a buttload of applesauce today and canning it. This is the beginning of my Christmas gift making. Woowoo!

A is for attachment parenting. Something I feel quite strongly about and have practiced with all three of my children. I really do feel like it's the best way to parent for me. I love the breastfeeding, the co-sleeping, the babywearing...I love it all :)

A is for absence. Absence of pictures! I had been putting off posting this first chapter of posts because I wanted to take pictures and post them alongside, but I got impatient and decided to screw it and post anyways. I will try to come back and post pics later ;)

Encyclopedia of me :)

2007-10-11T22:49:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I was inspired by my friend Sebrina (who was inspired by another blogger!) to do an alphabet encyclopedia of myself, my interests etc. I will go through each letter of the alphabet (in sequence ;) ) and listdescribe a couple of things about myself. Hopefully this is a way for me to be better at blogging more often!!
Play along if you like (and let me know about it by commenting so I can follow yours too!)

Reason #152 of Why I Love Jesse

2007-10-09T01:07:00.000-06:00

He cries at commercials :) We were watching some show last night and he got all weepy to this commercial.

Reading Inspires Kids

Shhh don't tell him I told you ;) lol

As a side note...how the !@#$! do I embed YouTube stuff??? Their embed urls aren't complete and whenever I try to do their "post this to a blog" option it never shows. Anyone?

A mother's canvas

2007-10-02T23:11:00.000-06:00

I frequently read The Shape of a Mother and just generally love the site. If you've never seen it before, check it out, it really is an amazing and beautiful way to honour our changed mothers bodies.
Anyways, this was posted today on the site and it really struck a chord with me. What a wonderful way to describe and celebrate the marks of growing life inside your body.
http://theshapeofamother.com/2007/10/my-canvas-anonymous.php

The 100th post

2007-10-02T22:49:00.000-06:00

I know I know...I'm crappy at posting to my blog. I'm sure any of you who read this (*does* anyone read it????) have figured that out already.
I could give you a million excuses...I have three kids, I just had a baby, my two year old climbs things when unsupervised, my floors needed washing, I have laundry to fold, schoolwork...but those are just that...excuses.
In truth, I am a procrastinator. I have very good intentions to do so many things, but a lot of those things don't get done. I'm also a list-maker, which actually helps me to deal with my procrastinatory parts...when I don't procrastinate about making the list. LOL!

Life is full around here, but I still feel as though I don't accomplish enough. Jesse has been off work for 2 months now after injuring his ankle at work. He had an MRI a couple weeks ago where they discovered that he has torn most of the ligaments in his ankle completely and needs to have surgery to repair them. Whee! Having him home has been a blessing and a burden to me. A blessing because we are basically getting the parental leave that we had wanted him to take initially after Indigo was born (we had decided against it because the EI would have only been 59% of his regular wage which was not enough for us to live on). The girls are getting SO much daddy time and it is so beautiful to watch my kids relationship with their daddy bloom like spring flowers. And, of course, it has been nice for me because I get to spend a lot more time with him and he helps out where he can (ie: watching said climbing two year old so I can make dinner without finding her scaling the bookcases after chopping the onions for stirfry!). The first month was pretty hard on me because our entire routine was totally thrown off having Jes home so much...everything that was predictable became completely unpredictable and for a while, the man was driving me nuts being in "my" space all the time. It was an interesting adjustment to go from having him gone from 5am to 7pm M-F to having him home 24/7. Recently I've come around to it and have actually started enjoying it. I have decided, however, that I need to start getting up with the kids every morning again instead of alternating sleeping in with Jes because I am starting to feel some anxiety and stress about what isn't getting done around here that should be. Sleeping until 10am some days is great, but then my entire day is thrown off and feels a lot shorter because I've lost 3 hours!

The children are great and growing like weeds. Nova is almost 4.5 and is very excited that she is probably starting school next fall. Yes...I did say the "S" word. I had a small emotional breakdown last month and decided that I have too much on my plate, so I've decided that we are probably going to try out kindergarten at the Calgary Waldorf School next September. I have a friend whose daughter goes there and she has nothing but good things to say about it and it feels right for now (when I don't dwell on it too much, that is....lol). I'm still waffling about it, but Nova is quite excited so I am going to swallow my unschooly ideals and let my baby have this experience. I keep having to remind myself that this is NOT a permenant decision and that I can change my mind if I decide it's not working for our family.
Faeryn is 2.5 and still my spit-fire kamikaze child. She incurred yet another head injury the other day by falling off the couch backwards and bouncing her head off the corner of the coffee table. Lovely. Thankfully she didn't need stitches this time. But damn, how head wounds bleed!! It's a good thing I'm not afraid of blood!
Indigo is 3 months old already! *sob!* My boy has now passed the 16lb mark (he was 16lbs 6oz a couple weeks ago when we weighed him out of curiosity at study group) and is just growing toooo fast. He is the cuddliest, smiliest little sweetheart I ever did lay my eyes upon and I just love him to bits. AND he has decided that sleeping through the night is a good idea! Holy crap! Who knew that an exclusively breastfed, non-CIO'd 3 month old would actually sleep through the night. Amazing. And lucky me ;) Now if only his sisters would catch the hint....

School is...well school isn't anything right now. I finished my coursework for Bio but have been totally avoiding studying for my midterm and final exams. I am ashamed to admit this! The thought of memorizing all that stuff is SO daunting to me and I am psyching myself out and making myself think that I can't possibly do it. Obviously if I would just buckle down and DO it I could, but that is apparently easier said than done. I honestly feel like I don't even know where to start, and I am kicking myself for going about this course all the wrong way. I should have been memorizing and studying the entire time, but instead I decided to do all the coursework out of the book and then go back and memorize. Stupid stupid idea in hindsight (I guess that's why they say that hindsight is 20/20 eh?). My goal for this week was to get my proctor form sent to my proctor because I somehow lost my other one, so I think I will go do that now so as not to procrastinate any further.
Otherwise, I have activated both the Midwives Assistant course and the Medical Terminology course, so I need to get cracking on those. I think the MA needs to get done first since it has no tests and will therefore not interfere with my memorizing all things Biology.

Anyways, that's life around here lately. And, be proud of me...I'm posting BEFORE midnight! Who'da thunk?! LOL

This is what a quarter of a century looks like...

2007-09-19T00:47:00.001-06:00

Truer words were never spoken

2007-09-14T22:49:00.001-06:00

A friend of mine posted this to me today. I cannot express how much I needed to read these words and really take them to heart.

ON PARENTING
from Anna Quindlen, Columnist and Author:

All my babies are grown now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously,go to bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once poured over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, have all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories. What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught, and the well-meaning relations --what they taught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2. When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China . Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the, "Remember-When- Mom-Did Hall of Fame." The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did you get wrong?". (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.

2007-09-14T01:30:00.001-06:00

So much to write about but it's 1:30am so I will just leave you with a teaser picture for now :)

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-09-07T05:12:00.000-06:00

As of 5:12am today I have officially FINISHED the coursework for my Biology class!!!!!!!!!!! I have been working on this shit for many hours...since about 11pm. I only had 3 more assignments to submit and I thought they would be quick because there weren't many questions but some of them were *really* specific and required loooong answers (like, describe in detail the development, anatomy and behaviour of the developing fetus from conception to birth at the end of each month of development).
I am so fucking excited!!!!!!!!!! Michelle don't beat me LOL I am so going to bed right now. Thank god Jesse is not working tomorrow (he's off still with his bum ankle).
good night(/morning)!
fucking WOOT. I am so stoked. Now to do study like hell for my midterm AND the final...

Changed my comment settings

2007-08-25T10:42:00.000-06:00

Now all you anon commenters can either choose to come out of the woodwork, or not comment at all. I hate anon comments! Show your face dammit lol

Holy boobiejuice batman!

2007-08-22T23:44:00.000-06:00

I took Indigo for his last checkup with my midwife today. At 7 weeks old he weighs...

15lbs!!! And he measures 25 inches tall! Holy crap!! 5lbs gained in 7 weeks! Hooray for breastmilk lol
Loooooooook at these cheeks!! Oh I am just so in love with this little boy...

In other news...
My friend Pam and her kids were here Monday and Tuesday visiting from Seattle before heading out to Ontario for a month to see family and attend a couple of weddings. We took a day trip out to Drumheller to the Royal Tyrrell Museum and had a really fun (albeit long and exhausting!) day. Stupidly I forgot to check my camera battery levels and my camera died after taking only two pictures. Argh! The two pics I got are pretty cool though. They have this bubble wall at the end of a dark hallway, and beside it it talks about the possibility of airpockets being the source of the beginning of life and how it is still one of the biggest questions in paleontology. So these are mine and Pam's kids checking out the wall:

I had my cousin over last weekend for dinner. She's the one who was due 5 days after me with her first baby. She ended up going 10 days past her due date and had her baby girl 2 weeks and 1 day after Indigo was born. We were really tickled at the size differences between Indigo and her baby girl (who was 7lbs 13oz at birth). I get a real kick out of these pictures!! Her daughter is about 9lbs and 4 weeks old in these pictures, and Indigo is about 15lbs and 6 weeks old.

And lastly...a couple of really cute pictures of my little sweethearts :) Can I just say that it is some feat to get an in-focus picture of all three at once?! These aren't dead-on focussed either, but better than nothing!

Oh Nova, my sweet little helper. She just loves her little brother. And she changes diapers!! The other day I was in the bathroom and I could hear Indigo waking up from a nap...next thing I know Nova is handing me a wet diaper and telling me that she changed Indigo all by herself!!

And then, of course, we must not forget the obligatory naked cheeser face pic of Faeryn lol I swear she wears clothes sometimes!!

Not a great picture as far as focus is concerned, but I love it nonetheless...ah sweet sibling love

Just once more

2007-08-22T00:57:00.000-06:00

I just watched my birth pic video that my friend and doula Tracey made for me and my heart is just *aching* to be pregnant again...just one more time. I know, I know...how crazy am I to be wanting to be pregnant and give birth again already, when I have a 7 week old baby sleeping in my bed at this very moment! Truth be told, another baby (especially another surprise pregnancy) would probably mean very bad things for my relationship with Jesse...but ohh...I can't help it. I am so sad to think that Indigo is my very last baby. When I was pregnant I had sort of come to a place in my heart that was okay with being done, but now I think I've changed my mind lol It all goes so quickly...it seems like only yesterday I was peeing on that stick, and now here I am with this ginormous 7 week old who is already growing far too quickly for my liking. Not to mention the 4 and 2 year old daughters sleeping in the room next to me! I can't believe that they are so grown up already! Nova would be going to preschool this year and kindergarten next year if we did the school thing. Faeryn is old enough to fall and smash her head open and need stitches! Where the heck did my chubby little babies go?!!
It's very hard for me to not resent Jesse for not wanting more babies. And I know that it's got to be hard on him in other ways...being the mostly sole bread winner and all.
But biology just doesn't work that way...it doesn't think logically like that, you know? In all honesty, even if I did have another baby I would probably pine for yet another, and another. I don't know if I will ever feel *done* like some women do. Everyone says you just know when you are done with having babies, but I don't know if it works that way for all women. I certainly feel like "holy fuck why would I want another one of these?!" on the days that are hard and frustrating and just plain exhausting. But in the moments of pure love and adoration and beautifulness...*sigh*.
I don't dare bring up this subject with Jesse, it would only end in me having my feelings hurt and him thinking I am just off my rocker lol Unless he loses his mind somewhere or something, I am done whether I like it or not. I'm trying to just be in the moment and enjoy Indigo's babyness and the girls' young years and not get caught up in what could or might have been. Too soon I will have teenagers and that will be a whole different world of freedom and worry.
But oh...just once more....

A first for Faeryn

2007-08-16T22:19:00.000-06:00

Stitches!

She and Nova were playing on our deck today and she fell headfirst into a brick ledge that juts out about a foot from the window. Poor baby :( She was soooo brave but she did NOT like having the doctor sew her head up and I ended up holding her in my lap and restraining her to finish the job. That was fucking awful. Awful! It was so hard not to bawl my face off watching my poor baby be so upset and knowing that I had to make her do it anyways because it was what was best at the time.

She's totally fine now, btw...happy as a clam and quite proud to show off her stitches lol I always knew she'd be the first of my kids to get stitches....

picture post!

2007-08-16T01:00:00.001-06:00

edited to add: oh balls...the pics are too big. fuck it, i am not going back and redoing them all!

late moontree

Well that was love, and it's an ache I still remember...

Great new music

A walk by the river...

just a song

Gateways

It's a TV on the Radio kind of month...

Well this wasn't terrible to watch... ;)

untitled.

Skating, skating...

Sunday music

Midweek rambling...

Running with chickens

Dear Today:

Hell in the hallway

Long time...

Bear with me...

Resolutions

A belated Happy Holidays

Ch- ch-ch-changes...

sweet mother of pearl...

long time...

Etsy love

Reflections

You must watch this video!

Bittersweet symphony

Some pics

Randomness (because it's what I do best!)

I love this Sesame Street clip...

Wow am I ever lame

Randomness

Holy crap it's been a while...

April 10 1:26am...

Please read this article about Champtix/Chantix

Monday smile :)

more smiles :)

One last post...

Spring

*thud*

schoolschoolschoolschoolschool

this child will be the death of me

Saskatchewan announces funded midwifery!

Still got it :)

Been a few days...

For Kasey

Quite possibly the world's stupidest question

Linky dinky doo

Turning over a new leaf

Yes, I know...I suck at blogging...

Earth Hour 2008

The Story of the Zoops

Renovation HELL

Japanese Toilet Training for Kids (English Subtitled)

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree...

Texture board

picture post!

Just a rambly update post

Crunch Master 4000

G

F

E

D

This was eerily accurate...

Is this a little weird or is it just me?

C

Late Halloween pics

C is for crazy...

B

Top 10 Disgusting Things Faeryn Eats

A is for...

Encyclopedia of me :)

Reason #152 of Why I Love Jesse

A mother's canvas

The 100th post

This is what a quarter of a century looks like...

Truer words were never spoken

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Changed my comment settings

Holy boobiejuice batman!

Just once more

thud