My body is on my mind a lot, even when I'm not pregnant. I have struggled with body image and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember, but pregnancy seems to bring out the ugliest parts of it for me because of the transformation your body makes when growing life inside you. I feel like I have had the hardest time with it all this time around for some reason, and I can't really pinpoint why. I have gained quicker this pregnancy than I did with my last two, and that is definetely part of it. The weight gain aspect is something I have a hard time dealing with, even though I *know* that it is just a part of the process. Cognitively I totally get what happens, why, etc etc, but the emotional side of me still thinks that it sucks. What it comes down to, really, is that I hate my body not pregnant, so when I start getting softer and rounder, it's even harder for me to love my body even though it is doing something amazing and beautiful. It's very easy for me to see the beauty of the process in someone else, just not within myself.
The negativity towards myself that I've felt with this pregnancy scares me a bit, though, because I feel like I can't see *any* positive in my body at all. I worry that if I don't change my tune now, that it will affect my labour and birth experience as well. I know it will, and I need to be as present and collected as I can be if I want to have a homebirth. I need to feel empowered and powerful and revel in my woman-ness because that is really what the whole thing is all about. Not only am I fulfilling my sole biological purpose in life...I am growing LIFE. I am giving birth to a new soul and bringing forth a new energy into the universe. And I want this baby to feel that, not negative shitty energy, you know?
Obviously I feel some guilt about feeling how I do. I know there are millions of women out there who would (and do!) pay thousands of dollars just to be in my position. Every pound, every stretchmark, every piece of saggy stretched out skin would be worth it in their eyes. I need to remember not to take for granted what comes easily to me. I am lucky that I can just get pregnant and not have to think about it or even try, I don't spend months and months agonizing over ovulatory days and peak mucous and waiting waiting waiting for that elusive line to come up on the test. I also need to keep in mind that whatever happens now can be worked on later. Some of my major fears regarding the weight gain is that I will get so stretched out and fat that I'll never be able to get back to a place where I like my body at all. Not a very realistic worry, seeing as most things about your body can be changed with hard work, exercise and whole foods. But for some reason my brain won't let go of that one. I feel like, in some senses, I have only had a taste of what being a "slim" girl is like and I like the way it makes me feel. I was the fat girl for most of my high school years, and then lost 50lbs and I have never felt better, nor have I ever liked my body more. I still focused on the things that I didn't like, but looking back there was a hell of a self-esteem boost for me in it as well. Shortly after I lost all that weight, just as I was starting to enjoy it, I got pregnant. And then 23 months later I got pregnant again. And then 27 months later I got pregnant again. Each time I've reached my prepregnancy size again I have gotten pregnant again. I guess that I worry that this third time won't be the charm because I've gotten lucky twice already.
I know. I'm a worry wart and I need to fucking chill out. Sometimes I feel really embarrassed about how much this actually consumes me, but I figure that it wouldn't dwell in my mind so much if it didn't need dealing with, so obviously I need to just deal with it. And, lucky you, you get to read all about it lol
I took some pics tonight but I forgot that I don't have my hardware installed on my computer because I had to have it totally restored after getting a virus and spyware on my computer a couple weeks ago. and I don't have the patience to install it all now, so now you'll have to wait.
Off to bed with me...
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