No sugar tonight in my coffee...no sugar tonight in my tea...

Ok, well not tonight, but tomorrow. It just didn't sound right, I couldn't change the actual song LOL!

I have a serious sugar addiction and it is going to ruin my life if I don't do something about it NOW. I am teetering on the edge of binge eating disorder and it scares the hell out of me. And it's weird that I'm saying this here, for the first time to anyone and everyone who reads my blog...but I haven't figured out a way to say it in person to someone. How do you go about that, exactly? "Hey man, yeah things have been busy here too...by the way I think I might have an eating disorder." Um no.
Alarm bells are going off all over my body saying that this sugar thing is BAD. Yeast has colonized in my intestines and is manifesting itself as a yeast infection in my breasts. Yes, still...I have been dealing with this for over a year. The symptoms are not as severe as they were at one point, but they're still there. My kidneys hurt a lot of the time, I feel like my teeth might rot out of my head (and I don't actually know, that's just me being totally pessimistic. I am scared to go to the dentist, though.). I'm tired, volatile, cranky and MEAN. And I'm tired of being such a bitch...I want to see joy in my life again instead of always focusing on the negative.
So, I am having a "Farewell Sugar" lame ass farewell tonight by eating a bunch of junky sugary crap and then that is that. I am going totally junk free for the next month AT LEAST. It seems like it will be impossible, even though I know it isn't since I've done it before. It's just sugar...no matter how loudly the cravings yell, I don't *actually* need it in my body to survive. The first week is the worst and then it gets much better after that. I half started today by making sure I drank a full 2 litres of water today. I am just drinking the last of that 2 litres now. I have said I was going to do this a million times and never did. This time, I am. I'm publicly shaming and calling myself out to keep me accountable, so I stop hiding.
Blah, there it is. It feels terrible...filled with self disgust and shame. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's not me or how I want to live my life.
I am jumping into this with my eyes and heart wide open. Free fall into the trust in the universe and the people in my life. Trust is hard for me, so is letting go.
I know that in some ways, I'm maybe making a bigger deal about it than it really is...but that's how it feels to me, I guess. It feels enormous, insurmountable.
But it's not, and I know that. I just gotta do it and hang in there.

Breathing, listening, big gulp. Eyes and heart open. clicking publish before I chicken out.