I just watched my birth pic video that my friend and doula Tracey made for me and my heart is just *aching* to be pregnant again...just one more time. I know, I know...how crazy am I to be wanting to be pregnant and give birth again already, when I have a 7 week old baby sleeping in my bed at this very moment! Truth be told, another baby (especially another surprise pregnancy) would probably mean very bad things for my relationship with Jesse...but ohh...I can't help it. I am so sad to think that Indigo is my very last baby. When I was pregnant I had sort of come to a place in my heart that was okay with being done, but now I think I've changed my mind lol It all goes so quickly...it seems like only yesterday I was peeing on that stick, and now here I am with this ginormous 7 week old who is already growing far too quickly for my liking. Not to mention the 4 and 2 year old daughters sleeping in the room next to me! I can't believe that they are so grown up already! Nova would be going to preschool this year and kindergarten next year if we did the school thing. Faeryn is old enough to fall and smash her head open and need stitches! Where the heck did my chubby little babies go?!!
It's very hard for me to not resent Jesse for not wanting more babies. And I know that it's got to be hard on him in other ways...being the mostly sole bread winner and all.
But biology just doesn't work that way...it doesn't think logically like that, you know? In all honesty, even if I did have another baby I would probably pine for yet another, and another. I don't know if I will ever feel *done* like some women do. Everyone says you just know when you are done with having babies, but I don't know if it works that way for all women. I certainly feel like "holy fuck why would I want another one of these?!" on the days that are hard and frustrating and just plain exhausting. But in the moments of pure love and adoration and beautifulness...*sigh*.
I don't dare bring up this subject with Jesse, it would only end in me having my feelings hurt and him thinking I am just off my rocker lol Unless he loses his mind somewhere or something, I am done whether I like it or not. I'm trying to just be in the moment and enjoy Indigo's babyness and the girls' young years and not get caught up in what could or might have been. Too soon I will have teenagers and that will be a whole different world of freedom and worry.
But oh...just once more....
4 comments:
crystal, you could possibly be my longs lost sister... albeit a much funkier, cooler sister!
i HEAR you! i GET it! i don't know how women say they are done. i don't understand it. i mean, i have 4 kids, we homeschool, tiny house, dh doesn't make that much money, he is TOTALLY done and i'm overwhelmed every single day with them... but i want to be pregnant and have another birth and have a tiny new baby and...
i'm crying with you here. it's totally biology. it's fascinating, really. it's meant to be like this. why can't our partners feel this undeniable urge like we do. (sigh)
try, try, try to enjoy his babyhood and their little girlhood. i try to enjoy my 3 year old as she is my last, but it's hard.
Although I do not understand the feeling of being "done" I do understand that there comes a time when we as women need to figure out who we are besides a Mama.
I think it is the unknown that scares us the most...
and see, with me, when i get to the point of partnership and chillins, i figure me and my partner will just rock-paper-scissors for carrying the baby. or adopt. pregancy and all that DOES seem pretty incredible....i wish there was a way you could keep having babies and jesse and relationships and family would not have to suffer. if anyone could do it, i know it would be you, but all the same, i understand the feeling of wanting something that is more or less impossible....
it doesnt really leave you alone...
*hugs and kisses*
I understand, babe. My situation is a little different though. I really want another baby (or 2 or 3 more, lol) My fears come from going through another pregnancy and birth like the last one.
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