Turning over a new leaf

So if you read my blog, you know that I have an extreme love-hate relationship with my body and sugar. I am determined to change this, as things have deteriorated to a really really low level and there have been days recently where all I have eaten was packaged sugar garbage. Which, in turn, makes me feel like a disgusting sack of shit and so ashamed. I am not 300lbs yet, but if I keep going at this rate, I sure will be.
I've decided that, once and for all, I need to get ahold of this binge eating of mine before it tailspins out of control. I feel like I'm on the brink and I can either choose to turn around and go back and get healthy and start on a path of loving myself, or just continue on the self-destructive path that I've carved and make myself sick and fat and hate myself even more. I don't want to hide my eating anymore...not from my children and not from my partner. It feels so bad to do it and I hate that sneaky yucky feeling.

I know me, and I know that I am not one of these people who can be satisfied with just one piece of really good quality chocolate every day. I wish I was...I think it would make this whole process a heck of a lot easier for me. No, I am an all or nothing kinda gal. I can't eat just one piece...it has to be the entire bar. Or two or three. It shames me SO much to be posting this, especially knowing that people in my "real life" read this blog and will look at me and know this about me. But, I think it will be good for keeping myself accountable as well. I have to convince myself that the people who read and love me, will still read and still love me even after reading this.

All this started after reading a quote on another blog that went something to the effect of:
"Be the kind of woman you want your daughters to become"
Something clicked there for me. I don't want me daughters (or my son, for that matter) to loathe themselves the way I loathe myself. I want them to look at themselves and feel love and adoration...not disgust and disapppointment. I am tired of looking at myself every day, and instead of seeing a beautiful womanly body that has grown and nourished three perfect little human beings...I see nothing but all the things I hate about myself. My flabby soft belly, my fat thighs, the wiggly jiggly arms, my dimply butt. I need to fall in love with me...not the me I want to be, but the me that I am NOW. It's okay to want to improve on things, but I need to love the me I am now because that's who I am at this very moment in time. And I will probably never be a perfectly cut, gorgeously curvy size 5 woman...but I don't want to be either. I just want to break this cycle of self-hatred and embrace my body for what it is. I am a totally awesome woman on the inside and I need to feel that outside for myself as well.

Tomorrow is a new day, and with it brings a brand new perspective and a fresh start. Tomorrow is the start of a serious 6 week elimination diet of sugar and any other processed things that may have made their way into my body. Tomorrow I start feeding myself again the way I feed my children and the way I know I feel better eating. The goals will be small but attainable.
~Drink lots of water.
~Take my supplements.
~No sugar. Ignore that stupid voice at the back of your head that says you need it and makes you feel like you really do...you don't. You can say no and absolutely nothing bad will happen. The first week is the hardest, but after that it really does get SO much easier. Remind yourself EVERY DAY of this.
~Go outside everyday with my kids for at least 30 minutes. I have sort of hermited myself lately and it's bringin me down.


That's it for now. I am going to start a food diary that I will try my hardest to update everyday so it keeps me accountable. I'd love it if you all would keep me accountable too...check in with me, ask me point blank how it's going...make me be honest with you and myself.

Thanks for reading. <3