A friend of mine posted this as her Facebook status yesterday:
"Hanging out in between the no longer and the not yet. I heard once, 'yep, when one door closes another door opens, but it can be hell in the hallway'. This too shall pass...this too shall pass...this too shall pass..."
Yeah. That's pretty much me right now. Stuck in the in-between of what is no longer and what may come some day. I am trying hard not to let my life get to me but it's not been easy lately. I vacillate between being distracted and numb, to feel so sad and defeated. I try so hard and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I've spent most of my life putting everyone before me, taking care of people, spreading my love around where it is needed. And in so many ways I have had that love returned to me tenfold... I have been helped out physically, monetarily, emotionally, spiritually... I have been well taken care of the last two and a half years while I have struggled and tried to make it all work.
It's just that sometimes I wish that life would give me a break for a while. I'm not asking for a lot... I know that life is an ebb and a flow and that things will not always be easy, nor do I want them to be. Challenge is good... it forces you to grow and step outside of your own self-constructed comfort zones. I just feel like I've been challenged a LOT and I am tired. I'm tired of being the emotional black-hole. I'm tired of worrying about how I'm going to pay my rent, or how I'm going to keep my family safe. I'm tired of feeling like I can't ever relax because something always ends up changing or shifting and I have to be "on" to make sure everyone has a place to land. Now my job is on the line and I am scared. If it falls through I am scared of what will happen and how I will continue to "make it work" once more.
Mostly, I'm just tired. And lost. And feeling like I have no idea what I want. A friend of mine asked me where I saw myself when I was 40, and I have no clue. 12 years seems like an eternity right now, and really I feel like I can't even see into next week, nevermind next year and beyond. In my idealistic mind, I know what I want to do with myself, but with the way things are going, I have no idea how I will ever make that happen. Dream's and reality's worlds are so far apart that they can't even see each others' moons.
"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home."
I keep looking for that starlight but I'm scared that that light is supposed to be me, and I'm so lost I don't even know how to find myself anymore.
1 comment:
Hang in there, and don't worry about 40. Heck, at 28 my guess of what 40 would look like was WAY off. And that's fine. Your 28 year old self really cannot know what your 40 year old self will want when 40, because you don't know the journey you'll undertake in-between.
No real words of wisdom here, just know you aren't alone and many of us have undergone similar journeys. The only way out of the headspace you're in now is through. Hugs!
I really wish I could travel back in time and show you how utterly different my life way at, say, 25.
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