Midweek rambling...

The sky is screwing with me... the last few days have been gorgeous, balmy and sunny.  Today it is grey and disgusting.  The sky is all bright and hurts my brains... I don't know how to describe it better than the way the sky looks sounds bad in my head.  Ha.  I realized the other day that the sunny days are fucking with me just as much as the grey ones right now.  I don't really know what to do about that other than to try and let it move through me.  Seems like that's my mantra for most things... don't fight it, just roll with it.  Way easier said than done.  Some days I am successful at it, others I fall into myself and feel a bit like I'm drowning in my own feelings.  That's life... sometimes you're up, and others you're down.  It all evens out in the end I guess.

I'm in a place right now of major reevaluation of myself and my life.  Trying to figure out where I want to go with things, how I plan to get there, making some simple goals to accomplish some things.  As much as I was stoked on running, it fell apart after just two runs... I need to figure something out that doesn't inconvenience everyone around me.  Too many children on my own and an overscheduled life (out of necessity, not by choice) is proving to be a stumbling block that I can't quite figure my way around.  The unpredictable, bipolar weather that we have doesn't help... I feel as though it might be easier for me to actually go out and exercise without it costing me an arm and a leg in childcare if the sun would just shine and the ice would melt.  I find myself dreaming about bike rides with my kids and running laps around a field while my kids play at a playground.  Alas, that is a pipe dream right now because the reality is that it snows here til June.  Not sure what my alternate plan will be until then, I have to keep thinking and working on possibilities.
Something that has surfaced recently is my desire to pursue rollerskating.  Anyone who knows me in real life is probably laughing their ass off right now, because I'm the exact antithesis of graceful or coordinated.  My skating skills leave everything to be desired and the rational part of my brain says "What the FUCK are you thinking even entertaining this??".  BUT.  I have always always been fascinated with rollerskating and roller derby and wished that I could try it out.  I've always talked myself out of that by reminding myself that I am *not* athletic and generally suck at all sports because of my spastic nature when it comes to my own body control.  I have always lumped myself in the category of "That's great for a lot of people, but you are not one of those people because you are too slow/large/incapable".  I watched my first derby game last weekend, though, and have been bitten by the bug.  My perception in my brain of what it might be was one that intimidated me, but the real thing ended up seeming much less intimidating than I anticipated.  Now I can't stop thinking about learning to rollerskate better (technically I can stay upright, but that's about as far as my skills go...) and even entertain the idea of possibly trying out for derby once I get some actual skills that don't only involve attempting to not fall on my ass.  I've made the decision to take some lessons and see where I can go with it.  A friend has offered to help teach me, and I've put some feelers out for some used skates.  I have idealistic visions of skating the pathways near my house and that possibility excites me a lot.  Trying out for derby is maybe my end goal, but first I need to work on being able to move with wheels strapped to my feet... we'll see where I get from there lol

There was more I wanted to write, but my three year old just managed to dump 5lbs of goji berries all over the floor so it will have to wait.  Life in the fast lane, I tell ya... never a dull moment.