I had my first rollerskating lesson on Sunday and it was *fucking AWESOME*. So awesome. Way better than I could have ever hoped it to be, actually. I am not an athletic girl, nor am I well-coordinated and I sort of assumed that learning this skill would be like any other sporty-skill for me... I would be exceedingly mediocre and that's about it. Instead, I surprised myself by picking up the skills we learned very quickly, and advancing far faster than I expected I would. By the end of the 45 minute lesson I was able to skate much faster and cross-over during corners (which is something that scared the crap out of me before)! I was relieved to find that there were several other adults in the class; there were probably 20-30 kids and 15-20 adults total. I ended up being right in the middle as far as skill-level was concerned... not great, but not the worst either! Woohoo! I stayed for another 50 minutes after the lesson and skated around and around and around during the open public skate. So fun. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and cannot wait to do it again. I have tentative plans to skate again on Wednesday night, but that hinges on whether or not the kids' dad returns from Thailand on time and is willing to stay late so I can go out. We shall see. If nothing else, I will definitely be skating again on Sunday.
I can't even express how excited I am about this. I really feel that I've finally fallen into something that I super love and could actually be good at! Skating around the roller rink on Sunday, I could actually imagine myself playing in a derby game which was pretty thrilling as well... I can't say I've ever felt this way about any sport. I can't wait to see where I can go from here.
Last week felt whirlwind and long and short at the same time. I ended up attending two births back to back... two babies born 17 hours apart from each other (for a total of two births attended from start to finish in 20 hours)! Whew! In my 10 years of doulaing I haven't attended two births so back-to-back... it was exhausting and awesome all rolled into one. I don't do much support work these days, but the times that I do get to dip my toes in, I enjoy immensely. Birth is a large chunk of my heart and it's good for me to stay in it, even though the on-call part is stressful and difficult for me in my single-momness. It's really good for me to be reminded that I *am* passionate about this still, and that I am still really, really good at it, even though I am not as involved as I would like to be. One day I will be a midwife, and it's good to reaffirm that reality for myself by attending doula births here and there.
Mercury is going retrograde once again this week and I find myself in a deeper mode of reflection and reassessment. I have been reminded a lot the last week that I need to strike some balance between grieving and distraction/moving forward. Perhaps this is just my own personal crazy-cycle, but it's rough riding the emotional rollercoaster of my heart. It seems like I am mostly okay for a while, and then out of nowhere I get thwacked with feeling very sad and lonely and filled with questions. As much as I can talk myself out of those emotions, it's hard not to get caught up in them, especially while driving or at night when I am left alone with my own thoughts and memories. I know that with time, it will get easier... it's just the ebb and the flow that I have a hard time syncing with. There is a finality and open-endedness that I struggle with, but have to accept nonetheless. I love hard, but I also hurt hard too. Oh feelings.
As always, one foot in front of the other.
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