Gah, I hate this time of year. Seems like from Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day we are bombarded non-stop with sugary junk. Ads, store displays, more ads. I have been really noticing lately how much junk is advertised in our everyday lives. Everywhere you turn you can see some sort of ad for "Tim Horton's this" or "Nestle chocolate that" and everything in between. No wonder obesity is becoming such an issue in western society, when all of our senses and everyday lives are surrounded by food and messages about it.
I'm realizing more and more that food, especially sugary food, is a way that I cope with stress. I have been eating like shit the last few days, and I have been super stressed out. Jesse's crappy reaction to this baby, coupled with my anticipation of having to tell my mother (and, subsequently, her reaction to the news) have been really making me feel completely stressed out. It's almost as if it's subconcious, though, because I don't necessarily *feel* like a huge ball of emotional stress...yet quite often I will notice that my neck and shoulder muscles are so sore from unconciously tensing them up. And the eating. I find myself physically and verbally reminding myself that sugar is NOT going to solve this problem, nor is it going to help the situation or how I feel about myself after I finish eating whatever it is I'm craving. It's all a process. I think it's good that I am at least recognizing these signals and cues within myself instead of just totally ignoring them and shrugging them off.
It snowed here yesterday, quite suddenly, and it is FREEZING out. My house sucks in the winter...it's pretty drafty (or I find it drafty, at least!) and the mornings are the worst. I need to hire someone to run around in my house to get the warm air circulating before I get out of my nice, cozy bed! Oh wait, I don't need to hire anyone, I have two kids! Hmmm...I wonder if they would go for that...LOL
Speaking of mornings...they are so funny these days. Nova has been sleeping late, but Faeryn has been waking me early because she's "hunnnnnry" (hungry). Every mornign is the same, she gets out of our bed, goes to check to see if Jesse is in the kitchen (he never is, he leaves at 5am to go to work) and then comes back and stands beside the bed and yells "Mommy!! MoooooommmmmYYYYYY! Get up! I'm hunnnnnnry! I'm wet! I pooped! Get up!" It's really cute and funny. Also not so cute and funny when all I want to do at 7:30am is sleep some more! She used to stand there and talk to me and coax me to get up for about 10 minutes before I actually hauled my ass outta bed...but her patience must be waning with me because now if I don't get my butt in gear in about 2 minutes she gets louder and louder until I do. LOL
Ah, kids. Such wonderful, frustrating, contradictory, inspiring, beautiful people! I can't imagine my life without them, now. Although, sometimes at 7:30am in the morning, it'd be nice...;)
Ok, it's 1:45am...I have a client due ANY day now...and I have to get up at 7:30am! i best be hauling my butt to bed so I can get it out of that same bed in a timely fashion for my 18 month old ;)
nighty night!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Oops, forgot...I was tagged...
My girl Chantal tagged me...sorry babe I can't figure out how to do that linky thing that you did with yours lol
5 truths
1. I am ridiculously insecure. I am a great actress and I come off as quite confident to most people, but deep down I hate a lot of things about myself and really struggle with trying to work through those issues. I have come miles since high school, but I still have a loooong way to go.
2. I don't wear underwear. EVER. I haven't worn ginch at all for at least 3 years, with the exception of 6 weeks each time I have had a baby to accomodate for the whole postpartum bleeding thing.
3. I have my clitoral hood pierced vertically with a barbell. Definetely worth that pinch!! ;)
4. Sometimes I want to start smoking again SO badly. Gross, eh??? I actually bought a pack of smokes a few weeks ago (before I knew I was pregnant, of course) and smoked a few then gave the rest of the pack away. I quit 4 years ago but I still crave a cigarette on a pretty regular basis; especially if I see someone driving and smoking. Or if it's a clear night and I am sitting on my balconey. When I was a teenager I used to sit on my roof just outside my bedroom window and smoke and write poetry. I miss that so much.
5. My hair is getting long (past my shoulders now! It hasn't been that long since I chopped off my ass-length hair 5.5 years ago) and I want to get it cut but I have no idea what I want to do with it!! Suggestions are always welcome lol :)
I tag PAM
5 truths
1. I am ridiculously insecure. I am a great actress and I come off as quite confident to most people, but deep down I hate a lot of things about myself and really struggle with trying to work through those issues. I have come miles since high school, but I still have a loooong way to go.
2. I don't wear underwear. EVER. I haven't worn ginch at all for at least 3 years, with the exception of 6 weeks each time I have had a baby to accomodate for the whole postpartum bleeding thing.
3. I have my clitoral hood pierced vertically with a barbell. Definetely worth that pinch!! ;)
4. Sometimes I want to start smoking again SO badly. Gross, eh??? I actually bought a pack of smokes a few weeks ago (before I knew I was pregnant, of course) and smoked a few then gave the rest of the pack away. I quit 4 years ago but I still crave a cigarette on a pretty regular basis; especially if I see someone driving and smoking. Or if it's a clear night and I am sitting on my balconey. When I was a teenager I used to sit on my roof just outside my bedroom window and smoke and write poetry. I miss that so much.
5. My hair is getting long (past my shoulders now! It hasn't been that long since I chopped off my ass-length hair 5.5 years ago) and I want to get it cut but I have no idea what I want to do with it!! Suggestions are always welcome lol :)
I tag PAM
Fall back
Don't forget, daylight savings time is in effect tonight!! At 2am turn your clock back one hour :) I totally almost forgot until now, so I thought I would post a reminder for anyone else who does daylight savings and might have forgotten. Enjoy the extra hour of sleep!!
Life is crazy here right now...I have told most of you already but I am pregnant :O Leanne, if you're reading this, I'm sorry you have to find out this way!! You haven't been online lately and I can't hold my damn tongue any longer LOL I'm very newly pregnant right now...4 weeks and a few days, which puts me due in early July. Whoa...crazy...I am going to be a mother of three.
I am excited, I have always felt that there was another baby waiting for our family, but Jesse is not so happy. He was really really upset when I first told him, but every day he gets more used to the idea and less dramatic about it. Nova is freaking THRILLED, she told Jesse this morning that she gets to be a big sister again :) She has already called first dibs on holding the baby hehehehe!
So, that's mostly what's on my mind these days...no puking...yet lol Some nausea, mostly at night or if I'm not drinking enough water. I find it ironic that I am pregnant yet again at the same time as one of my closest friends, K, who is due in January. We do everything together, apparently lol Only, this time, our babies will be 6 months apart (Nova and her son are 3 months apart) and it will be her giving birth first.
I can't believe I'm pregnant again! Ok, it was inevitable, as this tends to happen when you aren't using some form of birth control, but still! Crazy. I want the weeks to fly by (especially the next 8!) but go slowly too, if that makes sense. This will likely be my last baby unless hell freezes over. I want to savour every second of this pregnancy, but I also can't wait to meet this beautiful new person.
Life is crazy here right now...I have told most of you already but I am pregnant :O Leanne, if you're reading this, I'm sorry you have to find out this way!! You haven't been online lately and I can't hold my damn tongue any longer LOL I'm very newly pregnant right now...4 weeks and a few days, which puts me due in early July. Whoa...crazy...I am going to be a mother of three.
I am excited, I have always felt that there was another baby waiting for our family, but Jesse is not so happy. He was really really upset when I first told him, but every day he gets more used to the idea and less dramatic about it. Nova is freaking THRILLED, she told Jesse this morning that she gets to be a big sister again :) She has already called first dibs on holding the baby hehehehe!
So, that's mostly what's on my mind these days...no puking...yet lol Some nausea, mostly at night or if I'm not drinking enough water. I find it ironic that I am pregnant yet again at the same time as one of my closest friends, K, who is due in January. We do everything together, apparently lol Only, this time, our babies will be 6 months apart (Nova and her son are 3 months apart) and it will be her giving birth first.
I can't believe I'm pregnant again! Ok, it was inevitable, as this tends to happen when you aren't using some form of birth control, but still! Crazy. I want the weeks to fly by (especially the next 8!) but go slowly too, if that makes sense. This will likely be my last baby unless hell freezes over. I want to savour every second of this pregnancy, but I also can't wait to meet this beautiful new person.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
A video to share...
Please watch this video and take it to heart, especially if you have littles. This is so so important.
(PS If anyone knows what/whose song this is, please tell me!)
Mmmmmm
This is the best freaking yogurt EVER. Especially the lemon one. If you can get it, I highly recommend it.
http://www.liberte.qc.ca/en/page.ch2?uid=Méditterranée
Yum. That is all. :D
http://www.liberte.qc.ca/en/page.ch2?uid=Méditterranée
Yum. That is all. :D
Friday, October 20, 2006
Birth
These are pictures I have taken at births over the past 5 years. They are pictures of pictures, so some of the quality sucks (sorry!)...taking pics of pics in plastic is hard when you need to use the flash because it's dark! LOL I have written and/or verbal permission from all the women to use these pictures. These are pictures that are in my portfolio that I show to prospective doula clients at our initial consultation. I am so proud of these pictures, and honoured that I get to take them, and possess them.
Enjoy :)
My very good friend's baby (who is now almost THREE omg)...the second birth I ever took pictures at :)
Single mama client of mine...I took prenatal photos for her as well. I love the roundness of her belly and the flower...the shadow...I love it all. This is one of my favourite pictures EVER.
Same mama after her baby boy was born...this is another one of my favourite pictures evER :)
Tootsies :D I take a picture like this with almost every daddy and his baby
Love the feet
Sweet baby girl (I got two for one this time because I scrapbooked it this way in my portfolio)
Peace~
Enjoy :)
My very good friend's baby (who is now almost THREE omg)...the second birth I ever took pictures at :)
Single mama client of mine...I took prenatal photos for her as well. I love the roundness of her belly and the flower...the shadow...I love it all. This is one of my favourite pictures EVER.
Same mama after her baby boy was born...this is another one of my favourite pictures evER :)
Tootsies :D I take a picture like this with almost every daddy and his baby
Love the feet
Sweet baby girl (I got two for one this time because I scrapbooked it this way in my portfolio)
Peace~
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Holy busy day, batman! I had a fitness class today called "Buns 'n' Bellies" that is a hardcore midsection workout. It's a class I signed up for through Calgary Parks and Rec and I'm loving it, even though it kicks my ass every time. There's something sick about enjoying that burning lactic acid in your muscles...
I also had an appointment with one of my clients, she's due October 31. I'm feeling some pressure to perform with this couple as her husband is a professional photographer and they picked me because of my portfolio. I am totally flattered, and take it as a HUGE compliment that a professional sees something in my amatuer work, but holy shit PRESSURE!! He told me that some people really nail it on the technical side, and others can see something that goes beyond that, something that really makes a picture special...that's what I have, he said. Wow. How cool is that?! I will have to take some pictures of my portfolio to show you some of my birth photos...I am really proud of them, but it's nice to be acknowledged by someone who does this photo thing for a living.
After my appointment I went grocery shopping...wheeeeee. Actually, I kind of enjoy grocery shopping...there is something methodical and comforting about buying food that nourishes my family's body and soul. Most people think I'm kinda crazy for liking a chore that is pretty detested by the general population, but ya gotta find joy in the simple, everyday things...right?
I had to chuckle at Jesse tonight. Bedtime is his job, one that he does a really awesome job at, actually. It usually goes smoother if I am not present, so I will typically go out and poke around a bookstore, or go workout or something for the 45min-1 hour it takes him to get both kids to sleep. Tonight I was only gone for about a half hour because the girls were really tired, so I figured they would be totally passed out that quickly. Imagine my surprise when I come home to find Nova in the hallway reading books quietly to herself while Jesse saws logs with Faeryn on our bed!! Bwahahahahaha! She told me that "Daddy fell asleep a loooong time ago after he danced Faeryn" (he dances the girls to sleep to techno music every night...usually Fatboy Slim or DJ Dara or the like...cute eh?). Man am I lucky to have a 3 year old who is typically pretty good about not getting into serious trouble when left alone! He's still passed right out with Faeryn, hasn't moved a muscle since I first checked on them an hour ago.
I'm trying hard these days to really get my priorities straight. Not that they were really off in the first place, but just to really focus on what needs to get done instead of wasting days and nights away on the computer with assinine stuff. I have a tendency to get sucked into the internet and just put off everything else. Shitty huh? So, I'm making a more concerted effort to not do that. I'm also trying to just simplify and not get stressed out by the stupid little things, like housework and the like. It's a lot easier not to get stressed out by those things when I'm not constantly procrastinating, that's for sure!
Doing pretty good on the sugar front. I've got 6 days down with minimal junk (had a piece of pumpkin pie and a piece of cherry pie last night at a late Thanksgiving dinner with friends). It's already feeling SO much easier to not get drawn into the binge eating now that I've stopped doing it for 6 days. Amazing how something so simple can seem so hard, yet feel so good after you've really stuck to it for a short period of time. Now I need to get back on my exercise wagon and make that good feeling go even farther!
Ok, that's all for tonight...thanks for reading :) ~~~
I also had an appointment with one of my clients, she's due October 31. I'm feeling some pressure to perform with this couple as her husband is a professional photographer and they picked me because of my portfolio. I am totally flattered, and take it as a HUGE compliment that a professional sees something in my amatuer work, but holy shit PRESSURE!! He told me that some people really nail it on the technical side, and others can see something that goes beyond that, something that really makes a picture special...that's what I have, he said. Wow. How cool is that?! I will have to take some pictures of my portfolio to show you some of my birth photos...I am really proud of them, but it's nice to be acknowledged by someone who does this photo thing for a living.
After my appointment I went grocery shopping...wheeeeee. Actually, I kind of enjoy grocery shopping...there is something methodical and comforting about buying food that nourishes my family's body and soul. Most people think I'm kinda crazy for liking a chore that is pretty detested by the general population, but ya gotta find joy in the simple, everyday things...right?
I had to chuckle at Jesse tonight. Bedtime is his job, one that he does a really awesome job at, actually. It usually goes smoother if I am not present, so I will typically go out and poke around a bookstore, or go workout or something for the 45min-1 hour it takes him to get both kids to sleep. Tonight I was only gone for about a half hour because the girls were really tired, so I figured they would be totally passed out that quickly. Imagine my surprise when I come home to find Nova in the hallway reading books quietly to herself while Jesse saws logs with Faeryn on our bed!! Bwahahahahaha! She told me that "Daddy fell asleep a loooong time ago after he danced Faeryn" (he dances the girls to sleep to techno music every night...usually Fatboy Slim or DJ Dara or the like...cute eh?). Man am I lucky to have a 3 year old who is typically pretty good about not getting into serious trouble when left alone! He's still passed right out with Faeryn, hasn't moved a muscle since I first checked on them an hour ago.
I'm trying hard these days to really get my priorities straight. Not that they were really off in the first place, but just to really focus on what needs to get done instead of wasting days and nights away on the computer with assinine stuff. I have a tendency to get sucked into the internet and just put off everything else. Shitty huh? So, I'm making a more concerted effort to not do that. I'm also trying to just simplify and not get stressed out by the stupid little things, like housework and the like. It's a lot easier not to get stressed out by those things when I'm not constantly procrastinating, that's for sure!
Doing pretty good on the sugar front. I've got 6 days down with minimal junk (had a piece of pumpkin pie and a piece of cherry pie last night at a late Thanksgiving dinner with friends). It's already feeling SO much easier to not get drawn into the binge eating now that I've stopped doing it for 6 days. Amazing how something so simple can seem so hard, yet feel so good after you've really stuck to it for a short period of time. Now I need to get back on my exercise wagon and make that good feeling go even farther!
Ok, that's all for tonight...thanks for reading :) ~~~
Friday, October 13, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Personification of Motherhood
This was sent to me by another mama friend. I think it's hilarious...true to my life, that's for sure!!
CHILD ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
Recently, I was diagnosed with C. A. A. D. D. (Child-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.) This is how it manifests:
I decide to do the laundry. As I start toward the basement, I notice that there are Cheerios all over the floor and my car keys are in the cereal bowl. I decide to pick up the cheerios before I do the laundry. I lay my car keys down on the counter, put the cheerios in the trash can under the counter, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to take out the trash. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left,my extra cheques are in my desk in the office/playroom, so I go to my desk where I find a sippy cup full of juice. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I decide I should put the sippy cup in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the sippy cup a vase of flowers onthe counter catches my eye --they need to be watered. I set the sippy cup on the counter, and I discover baby wipes that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back in the bathroom, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the wipes back down, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote, one of the kids left it on the kitchen table. I realize that after school when they go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote as they fight over who lost it, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down, get some paper towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the laundry isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm cup of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find the wipes, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't "you" yet, your day is coming!
CHILD ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
Recently, I was diagnosed with C. A. A. D. D. (Child-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.) This is how it manifests:
I decide to do the laundry. As I start toward the basement, I notice that there are Cheerios all over the floor and my car keys are in the cereal bowl. I decide to pick up the cheerios before I do the laundry. I lay my car keys down on the counter, put the cheerios in the trash can under the counter, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to take out the trash. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left,my extra cheques are in my desk in the office/playroom, so I go to my desk where I find a sippy cup full of juice. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I decide I should put the sippy cup in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the sippy cup a vase of flowers onthe counter catches my eye --they need to be watered. I set the sippy cup on the counter, and I discover baby wipes that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back in the bathroom, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the wipes back down, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote, one of the kids left it on the kitchen table. I realize that after school when they go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote as they fight over who lost it, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down, get some paper towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the laundry isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm cup of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find the wipes, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't "you" yet, your day is coming!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Gobble gobble
Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian friends :) I always wonder what my friends who are living abroad do on the typically celebrated Canadian holidays...do you just give the day a nod in recognition? Start a tradition of your own to pay homage to your roots? Completely forget until a blog entry like this reminds you that today is a holiday here?
I'm a lucky girl and get to go to two turkey dinners this weekend. The girls and I went to Jesse's family dinner yesterday at his aunt's house, and today we are headed to a friend of my mom's for dinner. Three cheers for a no cooking weekend for me!
Today is also a good day because Jesse comes home today after a weekend away. He went with his mom to BC to the rehab centre that his brother is at for a visit and to participate in the family counselling program that they run. The girls miss Jes like crazy and will be so happy to see their daddy tonight when we pick him up from the airport.
My no sugar pact that I made in my last post has failed miserably :( I picked a shitty weekend to start, that's for sure! So, I have decided to be gentle with myself and start tomorrow when the temptation of pumpkin pie has passed.
I'm listening to "Iris" by the GooGoo Dolls right now which always makes me nostalgic. Reminds me most of a slow dance that I shared with my best friend during the Aberhart grad dinner. I don't think I have shared my soul as deeply or as thoroughly with anyone else in the entire world as I have with you, L, and I miss you SO much. I'm getting teary just writing this now...gawd I'm such a sap! I need you back in my life in a more prominent way...you better come back to Canada woman and not stay in Peru forever!
Anyways, here is the song in case you haven't heard it before. The video is kinda craptastic, but the song is beautiful. Here's to the one who saw me and understood me even when I wanted no one to see me and loves me unconditionally always~~~
I'm a lucky girl and get to go to two turkey dinners this weekend. The girls and I went to Jesse's family dinner yesterday at his aunt's house, and today we are headed to a friend of my mom's for dinner. Three cheers for a no cooking weekend for me!
Today is also a good day because Jesse comes home today after a weekend away. He went with his mom to BC to the rehab centre that his brother is at for a visit and to participate in the family counselling program that they run. The girls miss Jes like crazy and will be so happy to see their daddy tonight when we pick him up from the airport.
My no sugar pact that I made in my last post has failed miserably :( I picked a shitty weekend to start, that's for sure! So, I have decided to be gentle with myself and start tomorrow when the temptation of pumpkin pie has passed.
I'm listening to "Iris" by the GooGoo Dolls right now which always makes me nostalgic. Reminds me most of a slow dance that I shared with my best friend during the Aberhart grad dinner. I don't think I have shared my soul as deeply or as thoroughly with anyone else in the entire world as I have with you, L, and I miss you SO much. I'm getting teary just writing this now...gawd I'm such a sap! I need you back in my life in a more prominent way...you better come back to Canada woman and not stay in Peru forever!
Anyways, here is the song in case you haven't heard it before. The video is kinda craptastic, but the song is beautiful. Here's to the one who saw me and understood me even when I wanted no one to see me and loves me unconditionally always~~~
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
No sugar tonight in my coffee...no sugar tonight in my tea...
Ok, well not tonight, but tomorrow. It just didn't sound right, I couldn't change the actual song LOL!
I have a serious sugar addiction and it is going to ruin my life if I don't do something about it NOW. I am teetering on the edge of binge eating disorder and it scares the hell out of me. And it's weird that I'm saying this here, for the first time to anyone and everyone who reads my blog...but I haven't figured out a way to say it in person to someone. How do you go about that, exactly? "Hey man, yeah things have been busy here too...by the way I think I might have an eating disorder." Um no.
Alarm bells are going off all over my body saying that this sugar thing is BAD. Yeast has colonized in my intestines and is manifesting itself as a yeast infection in my breasts. Yes, still...I have been dealing with this for over a year. The symptoms are not as severe as they were at one point, but they're still there. My kidneys hurt a lot of the time, I feel like my teeth might rot out of my head (and I don't actually know, that's just me being totally pessimistic. I am scared to go to the dentist, though.). I'm tired, volatile, cranky and MEAN. And I'm tired of being such a bitch...I want to see joy in my life again instead of always focusing on the negative.
So, I am having a "Farewell Sugar" lame ass farewell tonight by eating a bunch of junky sugary crap and then that is that. I am going totally junk free for the next month AT LEAST. It seems like it will be impossible, even though I know it isn't since I've done it before. It's just sugar...no matter how loudly the cravings yell, I don't *actually* need it in my body to survive. The first week is the worst and then it gets much better after that. I half started today by making sure I drank a full 2 litres of water today. I am just drinking the last of that 2 litres now. I have said I was going to do this a million times and never did. This time, I am. I'm publicly shaming and calling myself out to keep me accountable, so I stop hiding.
Blah, there it is. It feels terrible...filled with self disgust and shame. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's not me or how I want to live my life.
I am jumping into this with my eyes and heart wide open. Free fall into the trust in the universe and the people in my life. Trust is hard for me, so is letting go.
I know that in some ways, I'm maybe making a bigger deal about it than it really is...but that's how it feels to me, I guess. It feels enormous, insurmountable.
But it's not, and I know that. I just gotta do it and hang in there.
Breathing, listening, big gulp. Eyes and heart open. clicking publish before I chicken out.
I have a serious sugar addiction and it is going to ruin my life if I don't do something about it NOW. I am teetering on the edge of binge eating disorder and it scares the hell out of me. And it's weird that I'm saying this here, for the first time to anyone and everyone who reads my blog...but I haven't figured out a way to say it in person to someone. How do you go about that, exactly? "Hey man, yeah things have been busy here too...by the way I think I might have an eating disorder." Um no.
Alarm bells are going off all over my body saying that this sugar thing is BAD. Yeast has colonized in my intestines and is manifesting itself as a yeast infection in my breasts. Yes, still...I have been dealing with this for over a year. The symptoms are not as severe as they were at one point, but they're still there. My kidneys hurt a lot of the time, I feel like my teeth might rot out of my head (and I don't actually know, that's just me being totally pessimistic. I am scared to go to the dentist, though.). I'm tired, volatile, cranky and MEAN. And I'm tired of being such a bitch...I want to see joy in my life again instead of always focusing on the negative.
So, I am having a "Farewell Sugar" lame ass farewell tonight by eating a bunch of junky sugary crap and then that is that. I am going totally junk free for the next month AT LEAST. It seems like it will be impossible, even though I know it isn't since I've done it before. It's just sugar...no matter how loudly the cravings yell, I don't *actually* need it in my body to survive. The first week is the worst and then it gets much better after that. I half started today by making sure I drank a full 2 litres of water today. I am just drinking the last of that 2 litres now. I have said I was going to do this a million times and never did. This time, I am. I'm publicly shaming and calling myself out to keep me accountable, so I stop hiding.
Blah, there it is. It feels terrible...filled with self disgust and shame. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's not me or how I want to live my life.
I am jumping into this with my eyes and heart wide open. Free fall into the trust in the universe and the people in my life. Trust is hard for me, so is letting go.
I know that in some ways, I'm maybe making a bigger deal about it than it really is...but that's how it feels to me, I guess. It feels enormous, insurmountable.
But it's not, and I know that. I just gotta do it and hang in there.
Breathing, listening, big gulp. Eyes and heart open. clicking publish before I chicken out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)