26 weeks

More dorky self photos with stubbly pits and a ratty bra (you know I can't leave them out now, it's like a theme or something LOL)

My body as a mother

My body is on my mind a lot, even when I'm not pregnant. I have struggled with body image and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember, but pregnancy seems to bring out the ugliest parts of it for me because of the transformation your body makes when growing life inside you. I feel like I have had the hardest time with it all this time around for some reason, and I can't really pinpoint why. I have gained quicker this pregnancy than I did with my last two, and that is definetely part of it. The weight gain aspect is something I have a hard time dealing with, even though I *know* that it is just a part of the process. Cognitively I totally get what happens, why, etc etc, but the emotional side of me still thinks that it sucks. What it comes down to, really, is that I hate my body not pregnant, so when I start getting softer and rounder, it's even harder for me to love my body even though it is doing something amazing and beautiful. It's very easy for me to see the beauty of the process in someone else, just not within myself.

The negativity towards myself that I've felt with this pregnancy scares me a bit, though, because I feel like I can't see *any* positive in my body at all. I worry that if I don't change my tune now, that it will affect my labour and birth experience as well. I know it will, and I need to be as present and collected as I can be if I want to have a homebirth. I need to feel empowered and powerful and revel in my woman-ness because that is really what the whole thing is all about. Not only am I fulfilling my sole biological purpose in life...I am growing LIFE. I am giving birth to a new soul and bringing forth a new energy into the universe. And I want this baby to feel that, not negative shitty energy, you know?

Obviously I feel some guilt about feeling how I do. I know there are millions of women out there who would (and do!) pay thousands of dollars just to be in my position. Every pound, every stretchmark, every piece of saggy stretched out skin would be worth it in their eyes. I need to remember not to take for granted what comes easily to me. I am lucky that I can just get pregnant and not have to think about it or even try, I don't spend months and months agonizing over ovulatory days and peak mucous and waiting waiting waiting for that elusive line to come up on the test. I also need to keep in mind that whatever happens now can be worked on later. Some of my major fears regarding the weight gain is that I will get so stretched out and fat that I'll never be able to get back to a place where I like my body at all. Not a very realistic worry, seeing as most things about your body can be changed with hard work, exercise and whole foods. But for some reason my brain won't let go of that one. I feel like, in some senses, I have only had a taste of what being a "slim" girl is like and I like the way it makes me feel. I was the fat girl for most of my high school years, and then lost 50lbs and I have never felt better, nor have I ever liked my body more. I still focused on the things that I didn't like, but looking back there was a hell of a self-esteem boost for me in it as well. Shortly after I lost all that weight, just as I was starting to enjoy it, I got pregnant. And then 23 months later I got pregnant again. And then 27 months later I got pregnant again. Each time I've reached my prepregnancy size again I have gotten pregnant again. I guess that I worry that this third time won't be the charm because I've gotten lucky twice already.
I know. I'm a worry wart and I need to fucking chill out. Sometimes I feel really embarrassed about how much this actually consumes me, but I figure that it wouldn't dwell in my mind so much if it didn't need dealing with, so obviously I need to just deal with it. And, lucky you, you get to read all about it lol

I took some pics tonight but I forgot that I don't have my hardware installed on my computer because I had to have it totally restored after getting a virus and spyware on my computer a couple weeks ago. and I don't have the patience to install it all now, so now you'll have to wait.

Off to bed with me...

I keep meaning to write here, but it always gets put off lately. I feel like I have been non-stop busy since February and I'm starting to feel weary of it. Between being the president of the CDA (and it has been one hell of a first year of presidency...oh the doula drama! it's been one freaking issue after another), being pregnant, doing my doula thing (interviews, meetings, births, postpartum visits, phone calls, emails....), applying for and getting accepted to midwifery school, parenting and gearing up to homeschool my almost-2 and almost-4 year olds, my house, the chores, cooking, etc etc etc....
my head feels like it's spinning sometimes! I am looking forward to the warm weather, and especially to summer. Not just because this baby will arrive then, but also because I won't have CDA obligations anymore for a while (we break for the summer months) and I won't be doulaing anymore (although having a newborn will sort of replace that *wink*). No more meetings, no more driving all over the city, no more being on call and the stress of that...I am looking forward to the break. And I know, I will have a newborn...but newborns are different than going to meetings and discussing issues and matters and information and planning and organizing and all that.

I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed lately, a lot is going on and I feel like I'm just sort of standing in the middle of it with my jaw agape because I can't believe it's all happening.
And sad...it seems like everyone I love leaves me lately! Last summer THREE of my friends moved to BC...two of whom I am pretty close with and love dearly and I miss a whole lot. And now, my best girl has decided to move her family to Edmonton in 2 weeks. It's apparently only going to be temporary...just for a year...but I am so so sad about it. And I think that she may not come back either...who knows what will happen in that year, you know? I know it's for the best for right now, but it sucks asshole and I miss her already. 8 years of friendship and we've had a lot of ups and downs, but I love her with my everything and I know the feeling's mutual.

*sigh* and blah...it's just been one of those days where the hormones run high and so do the emotions and it's all just...meh.
off to bed with me

6 years ago...

...I was at a month long house party drinking far too heavily and putting wayyyy too many illegal drugs into my body. My friend Colin's parents had gone away for the entire month of March to tour Europe and myself and about 20 of my friends moved in for the month to party it up. And party it up we did...oh my. One of the people there was the very hot older brother of my friend Jordan, Jesse. He had just moved back to Calgary the month before after living and working in Banff at the Banff Centre for Fine Arts for two years. I had met Jesse before briefly, but I didn't really know him much at all except in passing. I had just cut off all my waist-length hair into a short bob, and coincidentally, so had he. His hair was short and NEON purple and I thought it suited him well. He had this coy smile and unusual laugh that had me really interested in getting to know the guy better, which surprised me because I was NOT looking for any sort of relationship at the time.
I don't really know why or how it happened, but suddenly we were flirting. I have this image burned into my mind of me and him playfully poking each other in the kitchen. To this day, he says I started it, and I say that it was he who started it. Apparently our memories have been damaged by too much drugs lol
Six years ago today I found myself in Jesse's mom's basement (where he was living at the time until he found an apartment of his own) watching "The Mummy" with Jesse. Only, not so much movie watching was had...more like movie listening LOL Six years ago today I lost my virginity on a ratty old futon bed. Six years ago today started a relationship that neither of us thought would last. He had just come out of a really messy break-up with a girl he'd been with for 3 years, I was just not looking for a relationship at all and was quite happy being single. For six months we snuck around, pretending we weren't dating even though everyone knew we were. "Non-boyfriend and non-girlfriend". That was us.
Secretly, I fell in love with him so quickly it was ridiculous...I used to sleep behind him at night and whisper "I love you" to him after he was asleep because he didn't want to hear those words from me.
So many memories from that first year...driving around with him into the wee hours of the night while he delivered food...sitting in the parking lot on top of the Dairy Queen by McMahon Stadium talking and talking and talking. Never before had I met someone who shared spiritual views or values like mine. Never before had I felt that electricity buzz through my body just by looking into someone's eyes.
And I'll never forget when I told my mom that I was dating a man who was 24 (I was 18) and had PURPLE hair. Oh man was that HILARIOUS!! My poor conservative, sensible mother had all sorts of preconceived notions about me blown out of the water that day lol
Never in a million years did I think that it would evolve into this. 6 years and two beautiful girls later. It's not always been easy, and in the last year or two it has been really really hard for me at times, but I know in my heart of hearts that we will pull through whatever gets thrown at us.
I couldn't ask for a better partner in life or daddy to my girls. Watching him play with Nova and Faeryn melts me every day of my life...I hope that proud feeling that wells up inside of me never, ever goes away. As much as I bitch about him sometimes, he's pretty fuckin' awesome too. People tell me all the time how lucky I am...and you know what? They're right. I am blessed beyond words.

6 years...holy fuck. Where did the time go?!
Here's a picture of my loverly family, taken just a couple months ago. My hottie partner is on the far left ;)

Wow, four posts in one day...that is definetely a new record for me! I've been meaning to upload those pics off my camera for a while now and finally got a chance this afternoon while the rest of the house slept, so there ya go. Eye candy a la my family just pour vous, my friends!

I had a really crazy, whirlwind birth on Wednesday. I received a phone call from a woman named K last week asking me if I was available for March 12. I told her yes, and we set up an initial consult for this past Wednesday at 7:30pm. She called again on Wednesday evening around 5pm asking if I could come earlier because she had been having contractions all day and they were starting to regulate now. I got there at 7:10pm, and she was definetely in labour...having some light contractions every 5-7 minutes, but she was still able to talk for part of the contraction, and was recording the time during the contraction, so I figured she had a ways to go still. They hired me on the spot and we had a quick prenatal meeting so I could get the info I needed, seeing as how it was highly likely I would see them again in the next 24 hours or so. I got home around 8:45pm and my phone rang again at 10:10pm. It was K's husband saying that her contractions were back to back now and lasting for over a minute and could I please meet them at the hospital because K was feeling pressure and it was freaking her out. I went, thinking that maybe her baby was posterior, and maybe this would be an easy, fast labour. They assessed her and she was 8cm!! RIGHT THE FUCK ON! She had her baby at 2:14am and I was home at 4:15am. So in total, they were my clients for a whole 9 hours from the time they hired me to the time that I left them as a new family at the hospital! LOL Nothing like leaving your doula search to the very last minute...

Not much else is new around here...I feel like I always say that. I'm sitting here cooling off after being royally pissed at Jesse for no real good reason at all. I got all hormonal and totally bitchy and started nitpicking and bitching about every little thing. Bleh. I hate when that happens...once I get started into a mood like that it's like I can't stop myself, even though I know I should just keep my damn mouth shut. Oh well. I can't even really blame it on being pregnant, either, as it's just something that I do once in a while. I feel sorry for the guy, actually, because it always comes out of nowhere, totally out of the blue, and he's always left with a sort of deer-in-the-headlights "What the hell just happened here??" type of look. In retrospect it's funny, I suppose, but you should see me spit nails when I'm in the thick of that emotion! Oy. I think I am hard to live with sometimes...

Pictures galore...

More belly~

I took these last week...21w4d pregnant here. I feel like this belly pops out more and more each day! Once again I look like a dork taking my own picture in the mirror, and you get another lovely shot of stubbly pits and the rattiest bra I own lol I swear I do actually shave once in a while (although, if I didn't have to I probably wouldn't...but leaving the hair to grow gets itchy and drives me crazy). Once in a while is a subjective term when you have two kids under the age of 3.5, though, LOL

You brush your teeth...ch-ch-ch-ch....

Random pictures I took of my girls the other night while we were doing teeth. Just a quick side note as well...Faeryn is NOT eating toothpaste! She licked the top of the tube, but I stopped her before she decided that sucking on it was a good idea. It's unflouridated anyhow, but I just wanted to mention that in case anyone was horrified that I was taking pictures of my almost-2 year old eating toothpaste lol