Dammit. I was being so good about the crap and sugar and here I am now two days into a disgusting sugar binge. yet again. Argh. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to start over and avoid the crap like the plague. Why is this so hard for me?!! Maybe I just have no willpower.
Not much else to report, really...life is the same old same old around here. Tomorrow I have my phone appointment with my personal coach at MCU to set up my Major Map (course outline) and I am going to request to have my courses activated now instead of waiting until May. Another woman who is in the study group was able to have hers activated in the middle of a semester, so I'm hoping they'll do the same for me. I'd like to be able to get started and into the swing of things before this baby is born!
22 weeks now...holy crap! Feeling really good for the most part, aside from my usual cruddy self-esteem/body image issues. It gets easier as I look less and less dumpy, and more obviously pregnant. I packed away all the clothes I've outgrown today...that's always depressing. It sucks to have to put away the things I love to wear! I'm down to one pair of jeans that still fit, and a handful of shirts. Not sure what I'm going to do about that...I hate maternity clothes. Most of the stuff available is geared towards 30-something working women, which I am not! It's all too frumpy and ugly for me, and not at all my style. I'll probably end up going to a couple second hand maternity places and scrounging for jeans to alter so they feel more like me and my style.
I got word today that our birth centre is closing because it's too costly to run. I am so SO saddened by this news. Yet another blow to the already shitty birth culture and environment here in Alberta. This centre was the only one it's kind in Alberta and Western Canada...a fully operational, freestanding birth centre not attached to a hospital. I feel sick...I can't believe it's being closed down. And I worry about what will happen to the midwives whose clinic is in the basement of the centre, I'm assuming that the house will be sold because it's costing too much money to upkeep. What the fuck is wrong with this picture??? Here I sit, in the wealthiest province in Canada, in one of the wealthiest cities with an insane boom going on and the fucking government can't pay for midwives or our birth centre so that women can actually have a choice in how they are cared for prenatally and where they birth??? This sucks ass and I feel totally sick about it but I have no idea what to do. I feel like a really really important piece of the birth community in Calgary is dying with the closure of the centre. We hold our doula meetings there, we have our weekly midwifery study group meetings there, so many women are cared for and nurtured every week by their midwives there. What is going to become of all of that?
This all comes back to resolidifying for me why I am embarking on this midwifery journey now. I can't sit back and watch this happen to my profession and passion. There is something inherantly wrong with the fact that the city can build towers and houses and sprawl the urbanity like crazy in this city, but they are closing down a seriously important part of the birth community and a service to pregnant women.
I feel so helpless.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
The belly at 20w4d
Ok, I think I look like a total knob in these pics, but it's the only way I can take a picture of myself with my camera. I need a tripod! Bonus: You get a glimpse of my stubbly pits and my bra...nice touch eh? lol
As a side note: I was pleasantly surprised when I took these pics...I feel like I look a lot more huge than I do in these pictures!
As a side note: I was pleasantly surprised when I took these pics...I feel like I look a lot more huge than I do in these pictures!
Monday, February 05, 2007
HOLY SHIT!
Dear Crystal-Anne,
The Midwives College of Utah is pleased to
announce that you have been accepted into the Associates of Science Midwifery degree program. Congratulations and welcome! We are so pleased to
have you as a student and are excited to be part of your journey as you find
your path as a midwife.
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, February 04, 2007
One week down...
So, my first week of meal planning has ended. I must say that it has been a very very enjoyable experience, and one that I will definetely be continuing. It's nice to be able to just look on my fridge at my list of dinners and pick something. No more agonizing that I don't have ingredients for something I want to make, no more stressing out all day long inside my head about "what am I going to make for dinner?" while taking inventory of my cupboards and fridge at every opportunity.
It's funny how a little organization in one part of your life spills over into other parts, too. This week I've felt much more calm and on top of things than I have in a long time. I'm staying on top of doing laundry daily instead of letting it build up over a few days and then having loads and loads to do. The dishwasher is getting loaded immediately instead of piling dishes in the sink and then loading it after I can't see my kitchen sink or counters anymore. I just feel so much more "together" this week...all because I know that dinner are taken care of. Funny how that works. I guess it all goes along with that saying "It's the simple things..."
Tomorrow I have my interview with the midwives college. Finally!! Barring any weird circumstances, it *will* happen this time. I thought I would be more nervous about it, but I really feel very calm and sure that this is going to happen. Maybe that's another reason why I feel so collected this past week...I know what is going to happen for the next little while (for the most part, at least). I have very few doubts in my mind that I will be accepted to MCU, very few worries that they won't like me, that it won't be a good fit, that I won't be able to do it, that I'll suck at it. The worries foremost in my brain right now are the fact that I will have to learn suturing and how to put in an IV! how silly is that! This may surprise some of you, but I am not all that fond of needles (it's oh so apparent by all the metal in my face/body isn't it LOL). Every birth I go to now I am trying to pay more attention to partially watching the suturing, watching the nurse do the IV (all while paying attention to my client, of course!) because I need to be able to become comfortable with it. I have become wayyyy better about needles and blood than I was...I used to be a total fainter and just reading about basic emergency medical procedures used to make me woozy. I remember one time, 12 or so years ago, I was reading this pamphlet my mom had on what to do in certain emergency situations and just the descriptions of the bleeding, what to do etc, made me pass right out. What a dork I am! I have lots of fainty stories that are quite humourous...I'll have to share more sometime lol
So, I'm feeling surprisingly calm and collected the last week or so in some parts of my life, and totally confused about other pieces of it. When it comes to me specifically, I am ok...I feel pretty confident that I am walking the path that I am meant to and that I will be fantastic at it. But some of the bigger pieces of my life, mostly my relationship with Jes and my romantic/sexual relationships in general, I feel really confused with what I need, where I feel like things need to go, how I go about fulfilling my needs, hell, even identifying what those needs might be. Just confused in general, I guess.
My good friend Jackie and I had an interesting discussion when she was visiting from Japan at Christmas about long-term relationships. She made mention of a quote she had heard that went something like "Monogamy isn't worth the effort". Sometimes, I tend to agree with that statement. I have said before, and will say again, that I am definetely in a place right now where I feel pretty jaded about long-term relationships. I see friends and others in new relationships, in that beautiful, squishy, perfect, new phase where the sex is amazing and every minute you are away from your partner is agonizing because it is such an emotionally fulfilling experience. I can't help but think in the back of my head smugly "Just wait...it goes away...all that beautifulness goes away after a while and you get stuck in this boring ass rut of monotony and predictability". Obviously I feel that way because that's where I'm at right now, and I try really hard to not project that bitterness or jadedness (if that's a word lol) onto others, or my perception of my own relationship. It's hard, though, to see past the ebb parts when you're in the thick of it.
And sometimes I do wonder if I am cut out for monogamy. This relationship has been 6 years long, but definetely has not been totally monogamous on my part. We keep a partly open relationship, and it's mostly to my benefit. Basically I have permission to screw around if it is agreed on ahead of time between Jes and I. And I feel more and more compelled to act on these feelings lately...not sure if it's because I am actively being pursued by a friend and her boyfriend right now, or if it's something deeper telling me that I need to spread those wings and explore more. I don't know. What I do know is that I am blessed and thankful for a partner who recognizes this need in me (even before I recognized in myself) and he supports my need to explore my options and sexuality. I am really really lucky for that and I remind myself often of it to try to keep it all in perspective. Not all women have permission from their boyfriends to go fuck her best friend and her boyfriend if she wants to. And she wants to...but she is considering it carefully from all sides so as not to make a decision that may be detrimental to the other relationships in her life.
Funny how I can talk about the simplicity and complexity of my life all in one post and make it come almost full circle! I think that's personification of life in general right there. Simple yet complex and beautiful all the same.
I think I will end this post with a quote by Henry David Thoreau that really has resonated with me lately and helped to cement in my mind the certainty I feel about following through with midwifery school.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."
It's funny how a little organization in one part of your life spills over into other parts, too. This week I've felt much more calm and on top of things than I have in a long time. I'm staying on top of doing laundry daily instead of letting it build up over a few days and then having loads and loads to do. The dishwasher is getting loaded immediately instead of piling dishes in the sink and then loading it after I can't see my kitchen sink or counters anymore. I just feel so much more "together" this week...all because I know that dinner are taken care of. Funny how that works. I guess it all goes along with that saying "It's the simple things..."
Tomorrow I have my interview with the midwives college. Finally!! Barring any weird circumstances, it *will* happen this time. I thought I would be more nervous about it, but I really feel very calm and sure that this is going to happen. Maybe that's another reason why I feel so collected this past week...I know what is going to happen for the next little while (for the most part, at least). I have very few doubts in my mind that I will be accepted to MCU, very few worries that they won't like me, that it won't be a good fit, that I won't be able to do it, that I'll suck at it. The worries foremost in my brain right now are the fact that I will have to learn suturing and how to put in an IV! how silly is that! This may surprise some of you, but I am not all that fond of needles (it's oh so apparent by all the metal in my face/body isn't it LOL). Every birth I go to now I am trying to pay more attention to partially watching the suturing, watching the nurse do the IV (all while paying attention to my client, of course!) because I need to be able to become comfortable with it. I have become wayyyy better about needles and blood than I was...I used to be a total fainter and just reading about basic emergency medical procedures used to make me woozy. I remember one time, 12 or so years ago, I was reading this pamphlet my mom had on what to do in certain emergency situations and just the descriptions of the bleeding, what to do etc, made me pass right out. What a dork I am! I have lots of fainty stories that are quite humourous...I'll have to share more sometime lol
So, I'm feeling surprisingly calm and collected the last week or so in some parts of my life, and totally confused about other pieces of it. When it comes to me specifically, I am ok...I feel pretty confident that I am walking the path that I am meant to and that I will be fantastic at it. But some of the bigger pieces of my life, mostly my relationship with Jes and my romantic/sexual relationships in general, I feel really confused with what I need, where I feel like things need to go, how I go about fulfilling my needs, hell, even identifying what those needs might be. Just confused in general, I guess.
My good friend Jackie and I had an interesting discussion when she was visiting from Japan at Christmas about long-term relationships. She made mention of a quote she had heard that went something like "Monogamy isn't worth the effort". Sometimes, I tend to agree with that statement. I have said before, and will say again, that I am definetely in a place right now where I feel pretty jaded about long-term relationships. I see friends and others in new relationships, in that beautiful, squishy, perfect, new phase where the sex is amazing and every minute you are away from your partner is agonizing because it is such an emotionally fulfilling experience. I can't help but think in the back of my head smugly "Just wait...it goes away...all that beautifulness goes away after a while and you get stuck in this boring ass rut of monotony and predictability". Obviously I feel that way because that's where I'm at right now, and I try really hard to not project that bitterness or jadedness (if that's a word lol) onto others, or my perception of my own relationship. It's hard, though, to see past the ebb parts when you're in the thick of it.
And sometimes I do wonder if I am cut out for monogamy. This relationship has been 6 years long, but definetely has not been totally monogamous on my part. We keep a partly open relationship, and it's mostly to my benefit. Basically I have permission to screw around if it is agreed on ahead of time between Jes and I. And I feel more and more compelled to act on these feelings lately...not sure if it's because I am actively being pursued by a friend and her boyfriend right now, or if it's something deeper telling me that I need to spread those wings and explore more. I don't know. What I do know is that I am blessed and thankful for a partner who recognizes this need in me (even before I recognized in myself) and he supports my need to explore my options and sexuality. I am really really lucky for that and I remind myself often of it to try to keep it all in perspective. Not all women have permission from their boyfriends to go fuck her best friend and her boyfriend if she wants to. And she wants to...but she is considering it carefully from all sides so as not to make a decision that may be detrimental to the other relationships in her life.
Funny how I can talk about the simplicity and complexity of my life all in one post and make it come almost full circle! I think that's personification of life in general right there. Simple yet complex and beautiful all the same.
I think I will end this post with a quote by Henry David Thoreau that really has resonated with me lately and helped to cement in my mind the certainty I feel about following through with midwifery school.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."
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