We had a really good weekend this weekend. Jesse and I had a date night on Saturday (something that rarely happens around here...I think the last time we had a date sans kids I was still pregnant with Faeryn). We took the girls to my mom's house and went to dinner at Earl's, then rented a movie and came back here. We watched an entire movie without having to pause it once to put a sleepy kid back to sleep, imagine that! lol It was nice...something that needs to happen on a more regular basis. I think that a lot of what is going on with my relationship right now is that we've totally lost us as a couple since having kids. Kind of a natural thing, but I'm realizing more and more how important that effort to stay connected and together is.

We took the girls to the Creative Kids Museum this afternoon. My first time there, but Jes has taken the girls a couple times now (he will take them during times I am away from home, or if he's letting me sleep in :) ) It was really fun and the place is SO cool! That's another thing we gotta work on...doing stuff as a whole family. Amazing how spending time together creates positivity lol

And can I just say:

holy fucking drama, batman...

Sheesh....I feel like this crazy hormonal drama queen right now..."oh my relationship sucks and I'm pregnant and blah blah blah"...can ya hear me rollin' my eyes at myself?? LOL I am fully aware that a lot of this is is just *so dramatic* and I should just STFU and just do it. I guess that sometimes it just feels good to play those dramatic feelings out and get on with it...kwim?

And I was an total drama geek in highschool, so I guess that qualifies me for the drama as well...;)

meh

blah.
life is rough right now. my relationship is totally in the pits, and it has me wondering if I should even stick around, or if he even wants me to. Apparently, this was not the life he wanted, nor is it as hunky-fucking-dory as he has led me to believe. Funny how a surprise third pregnancy can bring out a person's real feelings after hiding them for so long. All along I've said that there has been something off, but I couldn't put my finger on it...and all along he's said that everything is fine, nothing has changed etc etc. Now he backpedals and says he never wanted this life, never wanted these kids...after reassuring me for years that although it's not what he may have chosen, it something that he was okay and happy with.
i don't even know what to do, or where to begin, or what to think. yes, a single mother of three is exactly how I envisioned my life...and yet, it is strangely appealing in some fucked up ways. No one to rely on but myself, no one to nag at or bitch at or worry about but my kids. Just me and my kids in our groove that we would find. not as simple as that, I know. oh I'm well aware.

fuck...why does everything have to be so goddamn complicated?!

The ebb...

What a crazy journey this is, raising children while I'm essentially growing into my adult self. A hard one, but one that is so profound and soul stirring for me as well.
I was thinking the other night about how hard I have been seeking balance and spirituality in my life, and how I am starting to feel both desperate and discouraged that it's not presenting itself to me yet. Maybe I'm looking too hard, maybe I'm not listening closely enough. Maybe I'm just not ready for those lessons that are tailored to my growth. Or maybe I'm just totally looking in the wrong places. I have no idea. All I know is that I feel SO compelled to create a community for myself, to find some ritual and spirituality within myself that was once there but has been dormant and pushed away for a long time. I don't know how to get it back! Sometimes I feel as though I am waiting for someone to help me find it, although I know that logistically it is me and only me who can do that for myself.

I want to do so many things. I want to BE so many things for myself. I want to connect deeper with myself, which will in turn allow me to connect more deeply with the Goddess and the earth. And my partner. I need that so badly right now...

~~~~~~~~~~

I found out tonight that my baby cousin (who is 22 lol) is pregnant!! OMG! She thinks she's due around the same time as I am, which is so cool! I have to call her tomorrow, she told my aunt (who told my mom) that she's scared and she wants to talk to me. Funny, I almost feel like I've already had this conversation with her before..in a dream or something. I can't believe that she's pregnant...I still see her as this hair-obsessed 11 year old LOL Or this totally sweet 7 year old who I used to play Barbie's with. I can't believe I get to help usher her into motherhood. And I am excited, as well, that I get to help prepare her for it, and answer her questions along the way. At least she'll be getting some good advice instead of crap advice from crap books or crap doctors.